Dead idle and getting older - you start thinking about every new ache like its the beginning of something terrible.
That's new, you think as your arm starts to twang. You waste a few brain cycles coming up with the most sensational reasons why it might be acting up, then move on to worrying about your eating habits.
The other day, I ate two Italian beef sandwiches for lunch.
I mean, that's messed up. Not exactly the largest amount of food I've eaten, but a good indication that when I'm enjoying what I'm eating - I keep eating. This is totally at odds with my stated goal of being more active - so I waste a few brain cycles on worrying why I might be doing this.
One of the byproducts of sleep apnea is increased appetite. Which is downright evil, since eating more can narrow your throat opening - leading to less airflow and less sleep and (naturally) a body screaming for more calories.
Am I not sleeping enough? But I know I am - because I'm dreaming. Dreams are my benchmark for R.E.M. sleep - and I'd been dreaming plenty.
Which leads to the inevitable conclusion that I've simply grown accustomed to eating more - and need to dial it way the hell back.
Any time I'm thinking of hitting the cafe for a snack - I opt for the water bottle. I slug down a bottle or two of water and I figure I'm doing myself more good than a latte and a pack of Reeses.
Makes you feel almost virtuous. I'm just having water, thanks. But I drink like I eat - fast - and you feel pretty odd lingering over the water fountain wishing the water flow was a hell of a lot faster. I want what I want - and a lot of it.
Once, I started drinking out of work's slow fountain as a co-worker went into the restroom. I was still drinking after they came out. We have the newer handicapped-accessible fountains, so they're very low - so drinking at them for any length of time makes the blood slosh down to your head.
You pop up from an extended drink like that an your head looks like you've been out in the sun. My co-worker glared at me for a moment and said, "You okay?"
As drinking necessarily causes you to hold your breath, I responded like a person surfacing from a long dive. Gasp "I'm fine." Gasp, gasp.
Try to do something good for yourself - end up looking like a bit of a goober.
I'd fallen off the running circuit, too. Not really helping myself - but I'd spent a lot of lunch hours running around looking for hardware to fix our destroyed bathroom. I'll get back on the horse, but y'know - not today. But you think about it - when you're on the scale - or every time you look at your running gear sitting in the trunk like a vengeful accuser.
******
"You losing weight?"
My office mate was asking and I'm like "Huh?" Not likely. Kind of them to say, but more water and no exercise is unlikely to result in weight loss.
I'd recently resumed a more technical role at work, so in addition to more typing - I get a lot more time in front of a computer screen. About few weeks after I start up, my eye goes blood red and it hurts to focus up close.
This, at least is not much fuel for anxiety - I have this recurring thing where one eye or the other will turn red and ache for about a week. No big deal, no lasting effects - no identifiable cause - but the remedy is to get 5 days worth of eye drops and it goes away.
By the time I could get a normal appointment it would go away on its own - so I do urgent care. I give them the same description, they do the same checks, and I get my eye drops.
Simple.
But as long as I was there I wanted to ask them about other stuff. I'd been getting these pains in my hands - numbness mostly - when I was going to sleep. I'd been typing a bit more than usual, so I'd briefly wondered if I was getting carpal tunnel. My dad had it - but then he did an awful lot more with his hands than I ever did.
And there was other stuff. Odd pains here and there. I started rattling off the list until I sounded like a hypochondriac. Watching your doctor shift from active listener to "I'm waiting until they stop talking" mode does not inspire confidence in your message.
I've done the freak out before. Let a number of random inputs convince me I was in dire shape - only to find out I was fine. Wired up to telemetry and it was nothing.
A collection of aches, pains, and odd sensations that seem dire in your head comes out as a rambling collection of random things. Just what happens when you save it all up.
I sounded like a dork.The result was predictable.
They asked me to do some tests - and sent me on my way.
So - I'm at work on Tuesday, tests done - clacking away at the keyboard and I get a call from the school nurse.
The boy has fallen on the playground and hurt his leg. They need me to pick him up. They hadn't been able to reach E, so they're getting me. Just as well, she has no wheels anyway. I'm thirty minutes out and tell them so. "He's okay?" They tell me he'll be in the nurse's room until I get there.
I leave a few messages with E and head in. I'm down to vapors on PTO, but this is just how it goes. Lose two weeks to an appendicitis, and this is what the end of the year looks like.
I pick up the boy and he's shivering, but totally calm. There's no swelling on his leg, no bruising, and I get him to put his sock back on, then his shoe. He can move his toes, he just doesn't want to walk on it.
Sprain.
We get him in a wheelchair and into the van. We're off to urgent care to get him looked at. Might as well be safe.
I'm about twenty minutes out from urgent care when my phone rings - luckily I have the buds in, so I click in.
It's urgent care. I'm like, How did they know we're coming?
We're going to the west clinic - this is the east clinic, the one I went to this morning.
Sir, I have the results from your blood tests this morning.Okay, I've kinda got something I need to do here...
Sir, your blood sugar is very high.-Ma'am, I'm taking my son in to -
Normal range is around 70 to 100--get his leg looked at.
Yours is at 320....I am, uh..
The dread I'd been feeling for weeks is finally redeemed - but it doesn't help.
You need to be on mediation as soon as possible.Those nights I woke up with numb arms and tingling in my hands...
Your doctor just updated my screen. He wants you in in the next two days. I'll give you his scheduling number... sir?I'd lie awake and wince at the pains sparking off in my legs, my chest. Vacillating between thinking I was about to have some catastrophic event and believing myself an idiot for thinking so. I'd go downstairs, unlock the front door, and sit on the couch with the phone in my hand. I'd watch television until I calmed down. Go back to bed when it passed.
Sir...?The boy's in the back asking about what they're going to do to his leg - he's oblivious that his dad is on the phone - I cover the mic and tell him they're going to put it in a splint (I'm wrong, of course - he's broken both bones in his leg, but I won't find that out for another half hour).
Sir...?I know what she's going to say, but I ask her anyway.
What does this mean?
Sir your A1C is 12.7% that's an average over the last 60 days or so...That means...I'm a diabetic.
Sir, you need to see your doctor in the next day or so...I'm at a stop sign about 3 miles from getting my son to treatment. I'm head down at the wheel until someone honks at me.
Bin the later - it's time for the now.
My boy needs his dad - and not one who is a self-pitying mass of useless.
I wave the other car by and make the appointment.
Blinker on. We make the turn.
