Stand up if you hate Man U

A few years back, in the game they call football, my chosen team had a nemesis. My team were likable underachievers. Their rivals were the media darlings - dynastic, marketable: "America's Team."

Among their numerous loathsome qualities, one stood out above all others.

They kept winning.

Each undeserved victory made them more arrogant, more insufferable. To the point when you felt that surely - were there a God in heaven - he would make them suffer just to restore the faith of people like me.

But this didn't happen. They changed coaches and were champions again. They changed players, and still managed to cruise to victory.

Their players were criminals, their owner, the king of all assholes, but their fans didn't care so long as they could be part of a winning side.

Just thinking of the times they crushed my team over and over again still rankles.

---

So it is with Manchester United - in the game that they actually play with their feet - they are the bazillion-pound gorilla squatting atop the league table, spitting out the bones of lesser teams and giving the "up yours" to anyone not wearing their colors.

They've won the championship fifteen times, they've won the double, the triple - and damn near everything in sight.

They were purchased for 1.5 Billion dollars, they field one of the largest payrolls in Europe. Their wealth gives them access to anyone and they gobble up talent anywhere they find it. Any player who does well at the Euro championships will likely play for Man U the following season. Their bench could make a solid showing in any league in the world.

And I hate them. Because they win. Because their fans are insufferable when they win. But mostly because they are usually to blame for my teams not going home with the trophy.

Truth be told, there are a number of Man U players I'd respect, I just wish they'd come to their senses and play for a likable side.

Giggs, for example, is just quality all the time. His play is always impressive and his work ethic hasn't been affected by the fact that most everyone around him is a raging jerkwad.

You see Giggs get mad, but it's usually for a very good reason. You never see him fly off the handle and whine about a non-call the way you would see C. Ronaldo do a few seasons ago.

Ronaldo. Any year but this past one, I'd say he was the biggest waste of talent in the league. All that speed, buckets of talent and he'd spend most of his time diving to the ground and whining about being fouled. His playacting was especially pathetic when he played for Portugal in the last World Cup - I think even his countrymen were mad at him after that one. All this showboating and nothing to show for it.

This year, Ronaldo seems to have put his head down and do what he does best - make defenders look foolish. So I can't bitch about him being the personification of what I hate about Man U.

That honor falls to Wayne Rooney - a thick-bodied bully of a striker who was England's false hope in the last World Cup - A man who is the prototypical boorish, hotheaded thug that Man U haters like me conjure up just to stoke their seething hatred of the Red Devils.

Rooney's got skills, no question - but when he isn't doing terribly well, you can tell he's looking for someone else to blame: the ref, the defender, his teammates, or the imaginary foul that stopped his breakaway.

Whatever it is - it sure as hell isn't the fact that Rooney has been playing for shit lately. That couldn't be it.

So, I've been enjoying watching Rooney have an off year, even if Man U had surged ahead of everyone in the league. It was nice to see that Rooney was getting pissed off and handling it badly - like watching McEnroe or Nastassi self-destruct - it was fun.

Today Man U played my team - Arsenal. In the Gunner's new digs - and I'm hoping for a repeat of Arsenal's dazzling form against other teams. Man U is the evil empire, but surely God has them due for a comeuppance. Right? He wouldn't just be toying with me, right?

Kickoff.

Right off the bat, Arsenal isn't playing well. Man U blasts a few at the net and dominates the early possession. Worse - there's this really shameful playacting by Eboue to fool the ref into carding a Man U player. Disgusting.

Arsenal's on their heels for a good part of the first half, but show some signs of life here and there. They just aren't combining well, and Henry (while finally back from injury) is in lurk mode.

Fabregas, the Spanish phenom, is scrambling for all he's worth, but just isn't getting any traction. He's showing a lot of heart, chasing no-hope balls that show you he's trying, but he's wasting a lot of energy and looking rather young.

A scoreless half ends - Man U has the upper hand, but maybe Arsenal can start fresh after the half. I can hope right? How cruel can the universe be?

Second half.

Arsenal does come out with a bit more flare - and Man U gets pushed back and suddenly I'm getting hopeful.

Then Rooney does something he hasn't done in awhile: he scores.

Arsenal is down 0-1 to the forces of darkness, scored on by the foulest Red Devil of them all.

Man U's fans are in the house and they go ape. Arsenal tries to respond with a quick equalizer, but they are more desperate than skilled. Rosicky has made it his personal mission to whiff on as many easy ones as he can - three or four good chances will fall at his feet, and he'll blow them.

Twenty-two minutes in, Wenger sends in Van Persie- who is not in top shape. This smacks of desperation to me, but I'm looking for any hope I can get.

Twenty minutes to go, Arsenal are struggling hard, but long balls aren't going their way - passes that could be brilliant moves are intercepted and turned into counterattacks. Ronaldo is increasingly dangerous.

Eighty one minutes in, it looks like Man U has started the stall. They sub in Saha, and people are taking their time.

Adebayor keeps displaying more drive than sense by charging Van de Saar before every goal kick - like he's going to slip up. Yeah, Van de Saar. Screw up. Never gonna happen.

And Fabregas, he's just too young to know that this is going nowhere - he's sliding and diving and charging balls that are meaningless. Wild passes, wild shots - it's practically embarrassing.

He and Rosicky get into a scrum with two Man U defenders, and it looks like one of those basketball plays where the players keep falling over and you're just waiting to see who will get tagged with the foul.

--and then Fabregas gets the ball and nicely slips it to Rosicky-

--Rosicky jets into the box and crosses to Henry-

--who does an amazing backheel pass to

--Van Persie who blasts it past a diving Van de Saar.

Tied. Son of a bitch! Seven minutes from time and Arsenal gets to salvage a point in front of the faithful. Awesome. More than could be expected. Honor is served.

And then things get strange. Arsenal starts surging into attack mode - there's blood in the water, and you get the feeling that - time permitting - they may not be done.

Two good chances go nowhere, but Man U is clearly out of it now. Lots of hard work, but nothing approaching their earlier dominance.

Four minutes of injury time - and you know the Man U fans are sweating it. They're on the chopping block and it's clear - only the clock will save them.

And then there's a wild sequence of passing - Fabregas again, then away, then Eboue curls a cross into the pack and -

Henry soars up to head the cross into the net.

Pandemonium.

It'll go down as minute 90, but it's 92 and change. Man U has no time to salvage a point, although they try.

A driving shot goes to Lehmann, who almost stalls himself into a yellow card for delay. He boots the ball to midfield and the whistle blows.

Scoreline - January 23, 2007
Arsenal: 2
Manchester United: 1
Rooney 53, Van Persie 83, Henry 90

God is in his heaven.