AT&T: You Gotta Admire the Consistency

I realize this is getting tiresome, but it's just amazing how terrible AT&T is at the whole "Let's sign you up as a new Uverse customer" thing.

A few weeks ago, I was sent a flyer offering me $550 worth of gift cards if I signed up for Uverse. As I was only getting $150 worth of gift cards (which have yet to arrive) - I figured I'd call and see if this was a deal I qualified for.

I didn't think the odds were good, but if there was a new deal that could get me more goodies - I figured I'd ask.

I know - Never, never call AT&T if you have anything productive planned for your day.

I know this. Also, I know that if anything good is going to come out of AT&T, you are generally going to have to wade through a river of crap in order to get it.

So I call the number on the flyer for more information.

Short version:

• The phone tree has no option for my "Do I qualify for this?" question
• I'm transferred three times, so in AT&T land that means:
• I repeat my question three times; and
• Establish my identity three times
• Then I'm told that this deal applies to people who aren't getting the deal I have. Were I to forfeit my discount, I could get $550 worth of discounts - but this would mean I would end up paying more for this "gift."

Which means - as expected - this was a waste of time. The capstone on this pile of fail was the attitude I was getting from the rep - who repeatedly said "we send these flyers out to everyone in your area."

Yes, I said, I expect that's why I got one. It has my name on it and offers me a deal that (based on the minimal supporting detail supplied) sounds better than the one I have. It tells me to call. So I have.

Seriously, giving me attitude because I foolishly did why your flyer asked: "Call for Details?"

The rep's position basically amounted to "We send marketing crap to everyone - don't you know not to believe anything we say?"

Ugh.

*    *     *

AT&T Marketing materials are full of crap. So what else is new?

This:

AT&T Math: -$183.09 + $109.76 = -$183.09 
Apparently.

This is my account status according to AT&T. As I pointed out in the prior post - AT&T is capable of adding a new bill instantly - but has trouble canceling out a bill that has already been issued. Even if - as in my case - the new bill is for services that totally replace the services listed in the first bill. As in, these two bills CANNOT both be valid.

Internet and phone for the same phone number. I am not getting two internets and two phone services on the same phone line.

But in AT&T logic - this could be possible and so I have a double bill for internet and phone. I called (*sigh*) to sort this out and was told to pay my Uverse bill and wait for an updated bill for the old phone and internet.

Naturally, my payment for Uverse was applied to my old service bill.

Also - Naturally - my Uverse bill was listed as past due.

*    *     *

Now before any wisenheimers out there point out what is going on - I want to say YES, I KNOW WHY THIS IS HAPPENING.

My old service had an account number. My payments are being sent to that account number.

My new service has a new account number. Payments without this new number will not be applied to the Uverse account.

YES. I GET THAT.

But letting that stand as an excuse or explanation is allowing the stupid to hold the field of battle.

Here's the mental model of a customer

• I am an AT&T customer
• I have one balance for AT&T services
• I log into the AT&T website and it tells me what this balance is
• Each month, I pay this balance.
• One day, I change AT&T service A to AT&T service B
• The End

You will note - it contains no mention of account numbers. I am still a customer of AT&T - with a single address.

AT&T has created two accounts to track my services - which is two more than I want and 1 more than I need.

There should be a parent account record for my household that can hold as many child accounts as AT&T's Byzantine system requires. But I should only have one balance, and payments should update that balance as they are applied. A credit and a balance due should never co-exist on my statement.

Yes, if I drill down into the detail of my balance, I should be able to determine what services cost what. But really, all a user wants to know is - do they owe money or not?

AT&T has created a web interface that (finally!) allows the user to manage all their services under one login - and they keep falling into the habit of keeping everything separate.

Arrgh!

And when you fire up their chat (because calling them is beyond annoying) you are greeted with this:

Hello, logged in user. Who are you? 

And what is your contact info?

I mean, seriously. Yes, I get that a logged in user could be using their spouse's log in, so they might want to ask if this is Susan or Bill - but c'mon! When you are logged in and hit chat - you should go directly to chat. Do not pass 'Go.' And sure as hell, you shouldn't be asked IF you are a customer.

Double ARRRGH!

Here's the chat-drone's response to the situation:

You made the payment towards your old account instead of the new account by mistake. I can get this fixed. I will transfer the payment from the old account to the new account. please give me couple minutes to take care of that for you.

No, I didn't sent the money to the wrong account. I paid AT&T the same way I have for years, and you moved my goalpost.

"Thank you for upgrading your services and being such a valued customer for all these years. Now, who are you? And what should I do with this money you just sent me?"

ARRGH! and ARRRGH! again....

Somebody Call Glenn Greenwald

'cos the US Mens team's gonna need a place to crash in 2014.

World Cup 2014, baby!

Sure, we looked like total crap - and Beasley tried to score on his own team.
Never mind Fabian can't seem to cross for sh!t and we're missing our stars.

We had this guy:

Eddie freakin' Johnson IN THE HAUS!!

Pay attention, team. Eddie has just demonstrated the proper technique for doing something useful in front of goal. This is a skill that will come in handy in the coming months. Learn it, know it, live it.

I cannot fathom what the hell is happening to Mexico. Dos Santos looked ready to shred us in the first half. Once Eddie headed in his winner, Mexico just seemed to crumple.

Yeah, we tried to play like crap some more - long balls and craptacular passing, but it just wasn't enough. So when Eddie went out with a head injury, that should have been a turning point.

But no, in comes Diskerud who promptly demonstrates that - yes, Virginia, you can cross the ball properly, even if you play for the US.

Clint Dempsey fanned the ball, thinking (as a forward should) that every ball was meant for him - and then Donovan slapped it home with a reckless disregard for the lives of millions of Mexican soccer fans. Their blood is on your hands, Landon, I hope you understand that.

Dempsey even had a chance to make it 3-0 with a penalty, but whiffing on things seemed to be his thing and he shot the ball into the crowd like a total feeb.

Whatever. None of that matters now.

Head up in triumph, or backwards and propelled by the deeds of others - it all adds up to a slot in the finals in Brazil.

I figured we'd get there. I mean, we're in a group with Panama for crying out loud...

What's that? Panama is currently ahead of Mexico, you say?

Now, that's just cruel.

Perhaps the self flagellation occurring south of the border can be blamed on Panama... It's good that they have accomplished something.

I wouldn't want to coach Mexico for all the pesos in TJ. Owch.

But I would cheerfully step over their shattered hulk on my way to watch the US play in the finals...

Whoo-hoo!

Go USA.

Ryan vs. Bryan

All I Do is B!tch About Telcos

...but only because they so totally suck.

I've tried to take the larger view and say that - yes, in fairness to AT&T - the number of outages I've experienced while paying for their service has been very close to zero.

I'm sure the legion of engineers who work tirelessly at all hours of the night would like to be acknowledged. And they should be. Modern data networks are a hell of a thing. And the one I've been paying for has been there for me with (so far as I remember) total uptime.

And they somehow even find time to route all my data to the DEA. Impressive.

But the squeaky wheel principle applies here. I pay for a utility, I expect it to work. If it doesn't work - why am I paying for it?

24/7 uptime is Par.

So those noble and nameless AT&T engineers need to understand something:

Every other customer touchpoint with AT&T is gutting your company's reputation.

Ask me what I think of AT&T and you're going to get both barrels of pent up resentment.

*    *     *

I'll illustrate this with two personal contacts with AT&T.

And then I'll supplement it with web and phone follow ups.

First, the people. I'll call them Ryan and Bryan.

Bryan arrived on my doorstop unannounced. Bryan was in sales, so if I had known he was coming, I wouldn't have answered the door. But he sung the praises of AT&T uverse with the passion of a new convert to the faith. He smiled. He was funny. And though I believed he was totally full of it - I let him talk, took his materials, and then did my own research on prices and packages.

Ryan on the other hand, was expected.

Ryan's first contact with me was over the phone. He was calling me to let me know he'd be late for the appointment with me.

To appreciate how bad a first impression this is, you'd need to understand some things:

• This would be the appointment Bryan had scheduled for me two weeks earlier
• This would also be the appointment I'd been asked to confirm via text the previous day. And I had.
• This would also be the appointment I'd been asked to confirm via phone the previous day (after I'd confirmed by text). And I had.
• This would ALSO be the appointment I'd been asked to confirm via email the previous day (after I'd confirmed by text and phone).
• This would ALSO be the appointment my wife had been asked to confirm via text and email and Godknows what else.
• And... this would be the appointment I had elected to stay home all morning (unpaid) because my attendance was required.
• FINALLY - it needs to be understood that when I say "appointment" I mean a two-hour block of time. Meaning Ryan could arrive anywhere between 9am and 11am and still be considered "on time."

Ryan was calling me - at 10:45 - to let me know he wasn't going to make it before 11am. He was in another town and was currently an hour away.

Awesome. I could have been working and getting paid until just before lunchtime, but hey, I'm at your service, Ryan. Whatever makes your day easier.

Back to Bryan. Weeks ago, Bryan promised to return after our initial meeting and did (although I was out) so he came back a few days later and I signed up. Bryan assured me that my free installation would cover multiple TVs (even though I only needed one) and that the installer would run Cat-5 anywhere it needed to go in my house. "Plus, your DVR will be wireless, so you can move it around your house if you decide to add a TV or rearrange your house."

Fan-tastic!

When I reacted badly to the $50 activation fee, Bryan whipped out some rebate forms to offset the charges. "Just fill these out and give them to your installer and you'll be set."

See? That's a guy trying right there. Exeunt Bryan.

*Cheers*

Let's return to Ryan.

*Boo!*

Yes, Ryan has royally screwed up first impressions. He does arrive an hour after his phone call, a full 45 minutes after my install window was supposed to end. He's in a truck, wearing a baseball cap and looks irritated.

I point him to all the particulars in my house. The TV case (which I'd helpfully cleared out) the phone setup and where the lines hit my wireless router.

I asked him about running wire to the finished side of the basement. Ryan looked at me like I was talking Greek. "Just the one TV, right?"

Uh, I was told you could run wire to other rooms in my house. 

"I'll run it anywhere you need it to connect to the one TV."

Now, I know sales guys are full of it - and sales guys from AT&T doubly so. So this wasn't much of a shock. I'd asked because it would be nice, but once I confirmed that wiring for uverse TV was just running Cat-5, I knew I could do it (with help). I ask Ryan about the gateway they'll be installing and if I'll be able to keep my current router (which I love). He says he'll try, but that he typically doesn't install a device inside the house and hasn't had much luck when he tried in the past.

*Sigh*

I point out what I currently have for Ethernet and DSL. Ryan scratches his head figuring out where the wires needed to go and I get out of his way. In about an hour he's drilling a hole in the side of my house and telling me he's going to run a new wire from the pole to my house.

"Don't worry, though. In seven to ten days, some guys will come by and bury the cable. I'll leave plenty of slack in case you need to mow."

*Sigh*

So, now there's a black cable snaking around my back yard - with "caution" flags tied to it every few feet so it's extra visible and unsightly.

And then Ryan shows up with the hardware and starts hooking up the TV. He unpacks an impressively compact device that I think might be the wireless DVR.

Is that the wireless DVR?

"It's the DVR, yeah."

This is AT&T, so I ask again to make sure I heard that omission correctly.

It's a wireless DVR?

"No. It's wired to Ethernet."

I was told I'd get a wireless DVR.

"We do wireless DVRs only if we have major issues running the wires in the house. I don't have one in my truck."

*Sigh*

Honestly, at this point - I'm not sure a wireless DVR is truly a plus. The signal could be worse for all I know. All I do know is that Bryan told me I would get one, and now I won't.

At 1:30pm (that would be five an a half hours of missed work, for those of you keeping track) Ryan calls me in to show me that the TV is connected. I channel surf and managed to screw up the input settings and Ryan has to show me how to change inputs using a button combination I wouldn't have thought of (for the standard remote: Hit "TV" then quickly hit "TV/Video" to move between inputs).

By the time I've managed to realize that I'm subscribing to over 300 channels, but my TV is connected to 678 channels (meaning half my channels connect to a "You are not subscribed to this channel" message), Ryan is back with paperwork.

Ah, yes! I need to give him my rebate paperwork!

I quickly dig out the rebate forms Bryan gave me and give them to Ryan.
Ryan looked at them like they were written in Greek.

"I've never taken paperwork from a customer. I have no idea what to do with those."

*Sigh*

Ryan gives me paperwork, though. Owners manuals, legal stuff, channel guides and an info sheet about my AT&T Gateway device. Turns out he was able to get it connected just fine. My old router is still up and running (meaning none of my devices have to have their network settings changed - SCORE! I'm looking at YOU, Canon wireless printer...).

Better still, Ryan has copied down the Byzantine collection of codes, IPs and other network voodoo that I can use to configure my AT&T gateway like it was my 2nd router. SCORE!

I check my network download and upload speeds, they're where they're supposed to be. SCORE!

Ryan apologizes again for being late and about the rebates. He writes down two numbers to call about them and suggests trying one of them first "I've had better luck with them."

And then he shakes my hand and is off to his next install.

It's 1:50.

I've missed most of a workday (unpaid) and I have a single TV connected and high speed internet.

Let's review. Who was the bigger fail here, Bryan or Ryan?

No contest really. Bryan.

Bryan promised a bunch of things that were never going to happen. Running wire all through my house (hah!), the wireless DVR, and the rebates being handled by the installer.

The rates and channels came through, but I'd confirmed them with AT&T over the phone, so I knew those were going to happen. All the other stuff Bryan promised turned out to be hot air.

Ryan, on the other hand, was late. But he gets jobs from the AT&T mothership that (for some reason) decided to give my install to a guy 50 miles away 15 minutes before the install window was up.

That's not on Ryan. Ryan's just the guy holding the bag when AT&T (per usual) does something stupid. Further, Ryan listened to my request to keep my old router running and made it happen. Then he followed up with all the admin information I needed, made sure I understood what I was looking at and even gave me a 2nd remote.

He made good out of a bad situation. Yes, I missed a half day of work, but Ryan's not the guy to scream at for that. AT&T's mothership screwed that up royally.

*    *     *

I called Bryan the following day to check on my rebates. The installer guy didn't take them. What do I do?

Bryan was unhelpful. "Oh, yeah. They changed how those work right before your install, so now you have to send them in."

Except Bryan forgets that I can read. One form is from Starz, the other is from Showtime. Both forms say that they should be mailed in along with three months worth of bills showing you are a paid subscriber.

There is no possibility that I was going to get my installer to take these forms, because my installer would not have had three months of bills to send in with them.

Bryan is not good at customer service, because he does not have to be. But he has clearly mastered what he needs to sell subscriptions: Bryan is good at lying.

I hung up on Bryan, because there was no way to fix that. Sure, I'll complain to AT&T about this, but they'll echo Ryan's dismissal of the problem "The sales guys are contractors, they don't even work for AT&T."

No, but they show up to your house wearing shirts that say "AT&T." And their voicemail says "This is Bryan with AT&T," so I can't see why people would blame AT&T for their crappy service...

*    *     *

A few days after my install, I was robo-called out of the blue by AT&T to ask how my install went. It was a tedious IVR menu and took way too long, but I believe in feedback.

I graded my installation taking care to point out that my installer was fine as a person, but that I was dissatisfied with my install because it began 45 minutes later than it was supposed to. I asked to be called personally to offer follow up details.

Naturally, this being AT&T - I was called by Ryan's supervisor who wanted to know the details of why I thought Ryan was a terrible installer.

I explained that Ryan was a total pro - and that my problem was with the overall scheduling process and with the sales person promising me stuff that didn't materialize.

I could tell this was not what this guy was calling me for. I was only supposed to be grading Ryan and this call was all about the performance of him as an individual.

And this is where I lost it (because, with AT&T, you always get to this point eventually). I'm not sure of my exact words, but I tried to hit three main points:

• When you only ask for feedback on a SMALL part of a user experience, you make your customers feel like you don't care about their problems.

• When you discard negative user feedback because it falls outside of your intended question - you are allowing problems to persist.

• Repeatedly reminding customers to be on time when your employees arrive late tells customers they need to care about your time more than you need to care about theirs.

The man was nice, sympathetic even... but I doubt those comments will filter out of a channel that is only designed to provide the mothership with Ryan=Good or Ryan=Bad.

Ryan? If you get hosed, I'm sorry. I tried to make it clear to your boss.

*    *     *

But it's done. Right? I spend about 20 minutes manually hiding the 300+ channels that I don't subscribe to, yet still appear as selectable options on my receiver.

Then I spend another half an hour hiding BS channels like Home Shopping Network and anything that starts with "uverse"

And finally, I dial in the parental controls for the phalanx of age inappropriate material that my set now has access to.

Sidebar: I miss TiVO's KidZone. KidZone created two pools of access. One for kids, one for adults. When you started using the TV, TiVO assumed you were a kid and filtered accordingly. If you wanted to see all content, you entered a code - once - and weren't bothered again until you turned the machine off or manually re-entered KidZone. 

Uverse does the exact opposite: You lock categories of content (TV MA, PPV, R rated movies) and anytime you try to access them, you are prompted for a password. Which means adults browsing their channels soon wish they are dead - as each new movie channel demands a password just to display a title. Never mind the fact you just entered the same password 15 seconds ago for ENC, oh no, ENC-WEST won't show you its stuff until it knows who you are...   

Being AT&T, though they cannot leave awful alone. They have to go for maximum user pain. 

Here's the unlock sequence for AT&T uverse:

• Select Channel
• See message saying "This Content is Locked"
• Hit "OK"
• See passcode prompt "Enter Passcode"
• Enter 4 digit passcode
• Hit "Enter"
  
  -that should be it, right? But no.
   
• See prompt "Unlock this content?" Don't Unlock / Unlock
  
  and here's the kicker....
   
• "Don't Unlock" is the default selection!!

Yes, Having selected a channel repeatedly and having entered in a 4 digit passcode correctly AND hitting ENTER, it's a good assumption that I DON'T WANT TO UNLOCK THIS CHANNEL 

WHOEVER CODED THAT NEEDS TO BE PUT IN SOLITARY WITH AT&T UVERSE WHERE EVERY CHANNEL MUST BE UNLOCKED. 

Seriously. 

Oh but there's more!!! If you unlock a channel and leave it, it will re-lock in 30 minutes, meaning there's a good chance if you're bopping back and forth to check on the box score, you'll have to unlock the same channel repeatedly.
WAY TO FAIL, UVERSE!!!

JEEZUS.

Allright. Rant over.

....

...

..

.

Well, not really.

I'm trying to get ahead of the family finances and I'm trying to schedule my bill payments for the next month. I log in to att.com and (I will spare you the story of how annoying it was to set up my 2nd AT&T email account AND connect my uverse account to my existing att.com account - the nicest thing I can say is that it ultimately did work.)

I logged in and initially, I couldn't see my bill amount. Which made some sense, since I'd only just connected my uverse account to my other services on the att.com website.

But I came back a few days later and saw that my bill had been updated to $201.29. I scheduled the payment and went on my way.

But it later occurred to me that might not be correct. I mean, I'm supposed to be getting billed $110 for my cable/phone/internet WITH a $49 activation (but NOT installation!) fee. So, I should be getting $160 or so just from cable/phone/internet and there's no way my wireless bill is just $40.

I log back in to see if my bill has been adjusted.

It has. It's now $384.38.

Ah, that's better...

Wait, what the screaming hell?

Now anyone who is currently an AT&T customer knows what is going on here, and I had a reasonable suspicion. But until I actually confirmed it, somehow I refused to think it was actually happening.

I got my uverse install on September 4.

Looking at that portion of my bill I'm seeing stuff that makes sense:

That's my uverse bill that starts on 9/5.

Here's the portion for my phone line:

I'm being billed $31.39 for my uverse phone line.

Looking elsewhere in my att.com account, I find I'm still being billed for my old phone service, which was supposed to end and be replaced by the new bill on 9/4. But it hasn't...

Being AT&T, they've done this for my internet service as well. So I'm being billed $38.16 for uverse internet and $37.98 for my old DSL internet.

Way to go, AT&T!!

Again, the hard-working install guys and AT&T engineers need to gang up and beat the crap out of the billing, scheduling, sales and web folks in their company. Because those folks are seriously ruining any chance they have of working for a respected company.

(Well, that and the whole collusion with the NSA thing, but y'know - one thing at a time...).

I called AT&T to get this sorted out and - get this - their suggestion was to pay the bills and they would credit my account after the fact.

The "Pay us more than you owe, and we'll get back to you" plan.

Screw that.

Then the AT&T rep suggested that an adjusted bill would be coming the next month, but that I might see late charges if I waited until then.

I suggested - politely - that that was utter bullsh!t.

I believe I said "if you can tell me what the bill should be, I could pay now."

Naturally, they couldn't. So they logged a dispute on my bill so there wouldn't be a late fee (they said) and now I will pay just my wireless bill and wait for the real bill to show up.

Incredible.

A system that is perfectly capable of adding a pro-rated bill to an account cannot adjust an existing bill when that account has services discontinued.

Because - Stupid. That's why.

If it doesn't involve maintaining wires - AT&T stinks at it. Technical proficiency with ZERO people skills.

Wait, they're just like...

-like an engineer!

...

..

.

You don't suppose...

Nah, couldn't be.






It would make too much sense.