I'm in our stakeholder meeting, a few weeks ago - presenting one of our new features done by the west coast devs and things are not going according to plan.
Being me, I blurt out "That's not right."
In front of a crowd is never the right time to encounter a new bug. Yet it happens.
I try a few more times, before realizing that the app is behaving fine, I've just completely misread what was happening.
I reset, and get the demo done and hand things over to Noddy.
Noddy launches into their part of the demo - a feature that was supposed to be RFD in January that is only now taking tangible shape in code. Noddy's dev's have endured missing requirements, late requirements, incomplete requirements - and late edits when they were still coding.
Noddy has created features with a single requirement - that is wrong. Noddy's feature work has spawned endless "fix it" stories, to correct some omission or other mistake. Each correction will require changes to automated testing, more time and additional expense.
But now, Noddy has landed the first wedge of their feature - and it's...
...it's a mess. The overall problem that this feature is supposed to solve - CANNOT be solved directly by our product. This feature's value rests on the dubious assumption that our users (who hate data entry) will enter data into our application, print out that data, and then re-enter the same data into the Nachen website.
This makes sense to absolutely no one.
Because Noddy has been on this feature, it is being built in incredibly small slices of functionality. Which is agile, but the fact is this feature is a webform. Something as basic as a webform does not need to have a lot of slices to be built by an agile shop.
Sure, you can say, build me the basic form without the ability to validate it. Then validate it. Then make the printout. Then show me how to find all the forms I've filled out. And so on.
Noddy has turned this into story pong, where features are added - then moved, then shifted to other stories, and finally landing in a heap right before a looming deadline.
Noddy's built their form, and it's maybe a third of what it needs to be in order to be a basic, dumb form. The stakeholders are not mean, but they ask pointed questions until Noddy starts deflecting in their usual way. Talking technical and promising future work until people lose interest.
Pinning Noddy down is just too much work sometimes. Even I've given up most of the time.
The meeting ends and I'm off to get a beverage. I meet HockeyTwo in the breakroom. They laugh at my struggles in the demo, but as they put it "at least you fess up to problems. If that had been Noddy? They'd have pressed on, never said a word, and hoped nobody noticed."
It's a remarkable how often a co-worker can (out-of-the-blue) break into a critical observation about Noddy.
* * *
The Noddy effect. It's amazing.
I've been in the hallway and been accosted by co-workers, "GOD, Noddy is just so good at pissing people off, huh?"
I've been at team building exercises that have turned into full blown Noddy venting sessions. One of my co-workers related the story where once, at a work sponsored family fishing outing, their six year old child had caught a fish and wanted to catch-and-release like everyone around them.
Noddy had intervened and told this child (mind you, someone
else's six year old child) that "No, that fish is invasive, you need to kill it."
Now, I can imagine saying something along those lines, in the absence of thought. I might do that. But faced (as Noddy was) with a weeping six year old asking
Why? Why does my fish have to die?
-most of us would reconsider. Not Noddy. They insisted - to a six year old - that the fish must die.
And on and on. Ad nauseum to anyone unfortunate enough to be near an employee of NerdHaven. Everyone has a Noddy story.
* * *
I leave the breakroom and head back towards my desk, then I remember I have something to check on with Dragonman.
On the way there, I see Atlas talking to Noddy. Atlas wants Noddy to meet with them in their office. Noddy is begging off, they have to do something, but Atlas is insistent, "Right after."
Now, I know Noddy's been on the hot seat for a while now. In fact, most people on UX know that as well. Noddy gets regular meetings with the boss, and a host of performance monitoring activities have become the norm for our entire team.
Hearing Atlas wants to meet with Noddy is filed away.
* * *
The day goes on. I'm back to my desk. Runner, Dash and I have our own little UX Shangri-La, separate from our team, and a genuinely nice setup. Windows, natural light and plant life.
Plus? No Noddy.
Our team hired two more devs and there weren't enough chairs for everyone, so Runner and I volunteered to move to the next room.
Noddy offered to move as well - and BigDog was about to go along with it, logic being
move all of the UX crew at once - but Runner shot BigDog a look that could maim.
And BigDog pivoted on a dime. "murph and Runner will move over to the other room." Noddy would end up staying in the team room. In a way, this made the most sense. Noddy would be creating work for the team, while Runner and I were doing work exclusively for the west coast devs.
But mostly, we were sick to the brim of Noddy.
I've thought long (way too long) about what I think of Noddy as a co-worker.
They are not:
- Honest
- Hardworking
- Diligent; or
- Professional
Above that, they have a disastrous personality and virtually everyone hates their guts.
Runner deserved a break, and I was happy to get one as well. With the new UXer, Dash - we've got a great thing going. Dash is cool - and a pro.
I miss our devs, but I love our new digs.
I ground out some work for the rest of the day, and was on the way out when I run into OneTwentyEight.
"What's up with Noddy?"
Huh?
"After showcase, they came back, groused something about 'might as well hand in my resignation' and left in a huff."
!!!
This news is positively electric. Nobody wants to call it out as fact, but everyone is thinking it.
Noddy is gone??
* * *
The next day, Noddy is nowhere, and their laptop is missing. Questions are asked at standup, but no one has solid info. Someone thinks that Noddy's child was in the hospital. This is greeted with a certain amount of disappointment.
Later that morning, we get an email from the boss: Noddy has a family emergency and will be out until the next week.
So that's it.
Runner is jubilant. Noddy is gone! But family emergency has me wondering - if they are gone, the boss would just say so. I remember all the crazy with H, that dragged on and they ended up coming back. I don't want to get happy too soon.
But days roll on and Noddy does not come back. Frankly, with Arwafn blowing up and damage control in full swing - I don't notice their absence.
The next week, Gumby tells everyone that Noddy will be gone "indefinitely." This gets all the rumor mills flying, but there's still precious little to go on. Noddy's not here, and we don't know when or if they will be back.
* * *
I speculate openly with HockeyOne & HockeyTwo - towards the end of the week, I'm feeling flip and launch into "I think this may be it." HockeyTwo is skeptical, but clearly thinks this would be great news. Noddy being gone has created a news item, and more than a few water cooler discussions stray into what if?
* * *
And then its Thursday, and I walk into standup late. I've been in some catchup session with Gumby or something or other - I've been running late for everything lately - and I blow into the team room right behind Runner. They look pissed.
The team goes through the standup routine and BigDog is going through their list -
- And I see Noddy back into view. They'd been standing right behind Runner such that I couldn't see them at all.
And there's the answer. When's Noddy coming back? Right now.
And they are back with a vengeance. We get the story on their child being hospitalized - they are okay now, but it sounded like quite an ordeal - and then Noddy is back onto muddling their way through their allotted work. They have meetings with Ihaq, and are working with Ahhh, the new UX in the west coast office.
Ahhh is a special case, and I'm starting to think that Noddy and Ahhh are on the same page. Noddy can wield a firehose of bullsh!t and I'm afraid Ahhh is starting to think Noddy is credible.
For that matter, I'm worried that Ahhh & Dash are going to need the talk about Noddy in the near future. Runner and I have studiously avoided talking to Dash or Ahhh about the Noddy situation. We'd hoped that the situation would be sorted out before it became necessary, but that hasn't happened.
Dash and Ahhh deserve to know that Noddy should not be relied on. That their pronouncements on Nachen work should be double-checked - always.
They need to know that Noddy is borderline useless in a great many ways - but...
How do you start that conversation? I want Dash and Ahhh to make their own conclusions. I don't want to just start in with "Noddy's a useless hump," but I don't know a middle ground. I've punted and avoided the issue. When Dash needs to work with Noddy, Runner and I try to assist.
Dash is no fool, and they have to know that there is a schism between Noddy and the rest of UX - but watching them struggle to collaborate with Noddy is hard. We want to jump in and say "Forget what Noddy is saying, do what you think is right."
The devs hold their fire as well. They are pros, and they are focused on getting work done, not smoothing things out for the new UXers. Sooner or later, they will figure it out on their own.
* * *
I'm running late on a Wed and want to check in with the boss before standup. Gumby's in their office meeting with Portal and Noddy on something, so I head to the desk and chat up Runner.
BigDog strolls into UX Shangri-La.
"One at a time, I need all of you to come to BigSad." BigSad is the main conference room.
Runner & Dash are confused - thinking we are each to go to BigSad by ourselves and then come back before the next person goes.
I took it to mean we were all to go to BigSad, but one by one so as not to make a big deal out of things.
I have a momentary flash of panic. OMG BigDog is leaving! Which would be biblically bad. BigDog is awesome and they are about to have another child. Why would they change jobs? They can't do that to us!
* * *
We make BigSad together, contrary to orders. Most of the team is there. BigDog tells us to close the door and starts in.
"No other way to say this, but to say it..."
Please, no.
Just no.
I love working with BigDog, they are awesome. They are the most supportive dev I have every worked with - and they kill it in the dev space. Their status as team lead has taken them away from the coding they love and they've been clearly frustrated by it... And they've been fed a steady diet of crap work by Noddy.
OMG, Noddy - if you've cost us BigDog, I will personally-
BigDog finishes in a rush.
"Noddy is being let go today. Portal asked me to get the team out of the room so it won't get awkward."
* * *
When the moment finally arrived - it was a total ambush. I was exhausted from the Arwafn grind, terrified that BigDog was leaving, and frankly - numb.
Of course. Portal. Duh. They always do the reaper work.
And today they showed Noddy the door.
Noddy. The person who has caused untold misery and wasted hours - will burden us no longer.
I made an excuse to go to the breakroom and get a beverage. Before coming back, I swung by HockeyTwo.
On the down low, deliverance is at hand.
HockeyTwo nodded somberly. They were totally on the same page.
Back in BigSad, we are told the information is close hold until we hear specifically that it is not.
Oops, already blew that. Odds are good HockeyTwo has at least told HockeyOne.
After a brief stay in BigSad, we are allowed to go back to our desks. Noddy has already been shown the door.
* * *
Official word comes during yet another Arwafn meeting. Gumby sends out an email to our team announcing Noddy no longer works at Nerdhaven.
I'm sitting across from Teacher, who utterly detested Noddy - and have to share. With Gumby's email maximized on screen, I spin my laptop around and offer it to Teacher.
We're on a phone conference, so Teacher keeps composure, but leans over to Juice and relays the news in a whisper. Juice looks at me, eyes wide and I make the touchdown sign.
Somehow, spreading the news makes it real.
This has really happened.
* * *
The team went out for a celebratory lunch, and we read Dash into the situation. Dash took it well. "I guess I don't have to feel bad about wanting to redesign all of Noddy's work, then."
Later, I'm in the hall and I run into SnT, a wonderful human being who does great, high stress work and yet still finds time to be amazingly nice.
Did you hear?? I want to say, but SnT's clearly clued in. This news has whipped through NerdHaven like a shockwave.
SnT and I swap Noddy stories for a bit and they're all like "I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt, but after that whole egg-kicking thing, I just knew they were a total asshole."
To hear someone as generous as SnT launch into profanity is no small thing.
I laugh and share our nickname for him "We called them Noddy."
SnT blinks.
"Because they were always falling asleep."
SnT busts out laughing. "We called them Megatron."
(apparently, Noddy was fond of using a particular buzzword that ended in '-tron' - thus, Megatron).
I bust out laughing, and we stand there laughing in the hall until we have to explain ourselves to a passing co-worker. And then they start laughing.
* * *
And before folks start accusing me and mine of being mean spirited, I would like to offer the following justification.
I tried for over a year to be sympathetic to Noddy. I gather their home life is not easy. But I have watched this person bring misery and additional work to a team I am very fond of for a very long time.
An untold amount of work was wasted cleaning up after Noddy and stepping up to do stuff they should have done.
Noddy added stress and uncertainty to the team - and very little else.
Everyone at NerdHaven gets to be happy that those burdens have been lifted from them.
I can separate any feelings of empathy for Noddy and their family from that. Yes, I hope things don't go too badly for them. I genuinely hope they land on their feet. That they find work that inspires them to actually do the work and not just phone it in.
And I sincerely feel sympathy for Noddy's family.
A family whose chosen breadwinner decided to surf Ebay for collectables rather than do their effing job.
Who, when faced with the prospect of imminent professional death, chose to continue the same half-assed everything that landed them in hot water in the first place.
That family deserves sympathy.
But mostly, I'm happy for my team. The UX lost a staff member and productivity will increase. Morale will improve.
And we will do better work for our customers.
We get to be happy about that.
Free and clear.
