Walking papers

This is really happening.

I'm having tea, looking out the window at people piling out of an airplane.

I re-read the email. It still means the same thing it meant the first ten times I read it.

I will no longer work for CorpWorld.

*******

This was always going to happen, and I was stupid to think otherwise. When I left a small non-profit for the wilds of corporate contract work, I believed they would hire me as permanent staff. The same starry-eyed idealism that fueled my design instincts convinced me that being hired was simply inevitable.

Despite meeting contractors with ten or more years at CorpWorld - I still thought "any day now, they're going to snap me up."

I've had managers tell me they would - but they weren't allowed. Project managers have marveled "how have we not hired you yet?"

I'd always shrug and say "always a bridesmaid, never a bride."
But the joke got less funny and more sad with each telling. Five years, six - I'm good enough to pay, but not good enough for benefits?

My team was always too big, ridiculously so when I started, so when we started losing people - I'd selfishly thought that once the purge was over, they'd start bringing people aboard.

I'd told myself I was kept on for a reason. Because I was good at my job. Easy to think, hard to know.

And very easy to doubt.

That night N called me to tell me they were part of our UX team's first big layoff - yeah, that had me doubting. N was good at their job, too. And it didn't save them.

The UX team getting smaller no longer felt like a corporate adjustment - it was a trend.  I might be good at my job, but I've come to believe what spared me was less personal: the people who were cut cost more than I did.

I was cheaper.

The relief I felt at staying was somewhat tainted with this new theory, but it was still relief.

I get to stay.

I remember H walking along one of CorpWorld's many skywalks, gesturing to the view of the campus "every day I thank God I work here."

Because CorpWorld is a marvel. They have too much of everything. Multiple cafes and cafeterias. Walking paths through a manicured campus. Where else could a green UX guy get to run remote video testing in a fully stocked U-lab? I had access to resources that I'd no right to.

I had a chair that cost more than I used to pay for a month's rent.

No right whatsoever.

But the moment you start thinking you might have to go -that you should start preparing - that's when the dread starts.

Because CorpWorld pays well. Sure, you get a raise almost never - but the rate is one you'll have a hard time getting outside the wire. Particularly if you don't have a slew of letters after your name.

Me? No letters. I'm all experience. Eight years of doing the work.

On paper, that's worth something. But anyone can say they have experience, try shopping that on the road.

Which is why people have references and portfolios.

CorpWorld does not give references. They will only confirm dates of employment.
And your work product is their work product. Bound by an NDA.

Still, you could shop the fact that you worked in the industry - but there's a non-compete clause in your contract. Anyone in the same industry isn't supposed to hire you.

So you can shop your self to an unrelated industry, using your say so that you did good work.

Odds that you'll get comparable pay with a suitcase of nothing? Not good.

Yeah, you could tell your staffing company to pull you out, but they won't unless you tell CorpWorld you're looking for a job outside. If things don't work out and you want to stay - you've told CorpWorld to put you in the front of the downsize line.

Stay and work - or roll the dice outside?  Not much of a choice. I let my resume go stale and I stayed.

Whatever the reason - I'd been spared - hooray, right?

I was lucky in other ways, too.
My project was a colossus. A multi-year beast, followed by another one even bigger. There was no shortage of work.

My colleagues on smaller projects would gripe about getting Buckets - or getting buy in from clients - not me. My Buckets were full and the clients respected my work. At least I thought so.

The second and third rounds of layoffs took team members who were on smaller projects. They'd been scrabbling for solid work, getting make-work projects where they were an afterthought or worse.
"I'm a stenographer for the clients," one teammate told me.  "They tell me what the UI will be and I document it. If someone tells me the UI has changed, I update the document."

This person had advanced degrees in design and human factors - they were being asked to take notes from a corporate hipshooter. They weren't alone. Some of them fled, selling their credentials on the open market. Others held on until the work dried up and were let go.

Good people, all of them. Until we were down to a core group of nine.

Sensei and I were on the same big project together. Two products getting built in parallel, A and B. B was my product - the less important of the two - and it was getting shelved. Product B's staff was rolled into Sensei's A team to increase velocity - and I was working like mad to make sure they kept me.

And they kept me. Spock, the Machine and I worked along side Sensei's A team. The overall project was overstaffed, but the client was letting it ride - since we'd split off and product B eventually.

Again I was lucky, our client synced well with our team. And Spock and the Machine are rock stars.
Sensei was less fortunate, their A team had difficult clients and two team members who did not get along. Their productivity began to slip. Early on, this didn't matter, but it was noticed.

My team reveled in knocking out the work. You need this in a week? Guess what? It was done yesterday. You're welcome. As the A and B teams were in the same pool of work, we felt some rivalry. Getting attaboys from management made our B team feel special. I know I did. But, it was all in good fun, right? Until CorpWorld announced a big round of layoffs were coming.

I could literally spend hours writing about how sick I felt in retrospect - I tried, actually. Wrote a post I was going to call 'Zero Sum' - but it was crap. There is no way to adequately express how disgusted I am at how clueless I was at how my actions hurt others. I wanted to win. To be seen winning. And I never gave a thought to how that would poison things for others until the day Sensei came to tell me they were planning to leave CorpWorld.

Sensei had letters after their name - and they were no fool. They jumped ship, shortly before the rest of their team got let go or taken off the project.

Sensei bailing out was unthinkable to me. They were the reason I was anywhere in CorpWorld. Brought me into my first projects and made sure I knew enough to get along. Sensei cannot help but help - it's who they are. And to hear the weariness, the dread in their voice as they described why they had to go... It was beyond horrible.

They taught you everything and you're going to just sit there and do nothing in return.

I wished them well, but that's pretty much the same thing.

Being awesome, Sensei has since gone on to far better things, but I won't forget the look of dread in Sensei's face the day  they told me they had to get out.

Sensei had realized something I would willfully deny even after Black Wednesday.

CorpWord was done with the UX group.

*******

Once the UX group was a department. We were a team. Almost thirty.

Then we were 18. Then 15. Then 9. Sensei's departure made us 8.

Black Wednesday made us 4.
Din was let go before the year ended. I hear they're working for a bank in the big city.
Ruby went shortly thereafter.

And Stimpy formally changed departments last week. They get to do real UX work again in the lab - and they'll be free of Smiler.

I'm embarrassed I didn't think to try for the gig Stimpy got - I've been at CorpWorld longer, but Stimpy is more than capable and deserves some real work. Under Smiler, all they've been getting are short term write up gigs and make-work tasks.  Stimpy has had the look I've seen on too many faces these days - the face of somebody afraid for their job.

It's the look I've had for longer than I care to admit.

I couldn't begin to count all the flashes of panic that ripped through the building this past year. And they can come from anything. A client's smirk or a badly phrased email will grip you like vise until you beat it back with logic or indifference.

I'm. Still. Here.

I'd stopped bothering E with these rumors to spare her the yo-yo of "I'm doomed/I'm safe" that I'd put her through the previous few years. Truth is, I'm worried that I've grown numb to it. Something real might come along and I'd miss the signs. That first time I mouthed off to Anjin-san about my hours dropping I had no intention of doing anything. But Anjin-san is about doing things - so they referred me to that job opportunity that went nowhere. It felt good to try, though. Shake the cobwebs out of the resume, talk about things I can do - instead of sit at my desk and wonder what the hell I'm supposed to do.

I'd gotten to contact Ruby, the Artist and Sensei to ask them to be references. I hate asking for things like that, but they all responded so positively it was a wonderful feeling. Ruby even offered to help polish my resume - a task I hate more than just about anything. I'm not much of a networker, but I used to work with some truly great people. It was so great hearing from them.

But that's done. I'd given resumes to three places and the only one to even contact me was Anjin-san's gig. The recruiters strung me out for a while, but ultimately admitted the hiring manager wasn't returning their calls anymore.

I'd surfed for UX positions in town and found old listings for jobs I know are taken - because I know the people who took them. And there are endless recruiters out there that want to pull you into "an exciting three month gig in Boulder, CO."  F*&k that with a bag of dicks, thank you.

But you have to be realistic. Ask yourself how many paychecks you can miss before your standards slip? How many weeks will you make it before serious financial waves start landing on you? I'm no pauper, but like most of America - my income is spoken for. Yeah, I can drop cable and economize - but the big bills will still land and take me under without a comparable salary.

If the only UX job was travel - I might have to do it. Or change careers.

I start wondering about unemployment insurance. Whether I get it if CorpWorld drops me but my staffing company keeps me on the books.

This is the sh!t that keeps you up at night, when you've finally decided that sweating over Buckets is a waste of time.

Another thing? I overheard one of my clients the other day talking to one of our testers. The tester was saying there was a requirement that there be a sign off for the UX standards of the application. The tester wanted to know who would provide the sign off now that there is no formal department for UX. My client - a person I've worked with for years, someone who I believe respects me and my work - told the tester to delete the UX sign off requirement.

Because, y'know. Who's going to care right? They've all left. I could sign off, but nobody would care.

I'm it. F*%-ing Chingachgook. Me.

Smiler's sending me more project work to fill in the gaps. I'm remembering them telling me they were relieved that Stimpy left the group. "Because I don't have enough work for two. Now, I don't have to choose...[which one of you to fire]"

They smiled.

My second to last email from them detailed a list of potential projects I could work on. All of them suck. One of them is literally UX work for a vendor supplied software patch to a vendor product. Nothing to do. Worse, its project manager is Dancing Bear - one of the most useless human beings I've run across in CorpWorld. No one with less to do has ever acted so busy. This person could make checking their watch a billable task. And they are steering the ship of useless that I'm to board next week.

This is fricking insane. I'm downhill on my main project headed for a pile of nothing that's never gonna break my fall.

*******

Outside, the plane is getting towed over to the de-icer.

And my lunch date has arrived.

They'd called me out of the blue a few days ago. It'd been so long, They had to remind me who they were. I made them send me an email so I'd have tangible proof that this meeting would really happen.

I'd been re-reading that email all morning. It said:

"Finally got everything pinned down, and have approval to go ahead with hiring him."

It's from the manager of the job Anjin-san referred me to. Four weeks of total silence, followed by this. The offer is better than I'd asked for.

The recruiters sit down with me.

"Lunch is on us."

Damn right it is. We shake hands and I apply ink to paper.

For two months, I've been counting every Friday as a victory - then living in fear of the next Monday.

I was half into the abyss-and my colleagues reached down and pulled me out. Domo, Anjin-san. Sensei, Ruby and the Artist. No way I get this without you.

More pay, more vacation, less commute & a contract to hire. Unbe-effing-lievable.

The recruiters smile and start talking about airplanes.

I barely notice them.

All I can think of is: somehow, hurtling earthward end over end-

I found the goddamn rip cord.