Gumby Ascendant

After months of reporting to Atlas and basically fending for ourselves, the UX folks at NerdHaven at last have a new boss.

It's Gumby from CorpWorld.

They arrived at a time of chaos. Atlas was overseas while our two development teams - who spent last year merged into a super-team - were reverting into separate teams with separate backlogs of work. The entire organization was coming off the holidays, we were starting 8 new people, and our only slightly less-new scrum master was trying to change our primary work tool. Data is no longer on the UX team and is reporting to Portal. Product was churning up trouble in the priorities list - tackling work that was typically in UX's bailiwick...

-and that was just for starters. I remember being more than a little overwhelmed my first week, but I was dealing with established patterns and procedures. The goalposts weren't moving.

Gumby's got a sh!t ton more stuff to learn than I ever did - and they're doing it when they don't know what is normal and what is a catastrophic departure from the norm.

Welcome to NerdHaven!

But Gumby is their old self, a person I've known for years - and great to talk to. They are in good spirits and I wonder how much of that is the post CorpWorld euphoria that I'm still tapping into. Runner's been keen on getting them here - because they get a finder's fee - but it's also clear to me that Runner has a rapport with the new boss.

And that's a good start. We spend a lot of Gumby's first week forwarding meeting invites and trying to explain away the crazy that is currently gripping NerdHaven.

No, it is not normal for the QA server to bonk and make us cancel the showcase.

Usually, your UX folks realize which team they are on and which one they aren't.

No, it is not normal for us to start a meeting with client with absolutely no data in hand.

That last one was particularly galling. UX is helping Product with the needs of a truly massive client, and we'd asked them in our last meeting to give us some feedback on some possible improvements to our design. At the follow up meeting - which I invited Gumby to - the client was going to give us their feedback.

Right now, any UXer with a brain is saying: that sounds completely wrong. Yes, it was. But we'd come off the holidays having gotten absolutely nothing from the rep working the account. BigRep scheduled the meeting for a Monday (Arrrgh!) and pinged me about a half an hour before the meeting to ask if I was leading the discussion.

I'm like: Sure, I can talk to them - unless Product is driving this bus. BigRep says they'll ping Product - and never gets back to us. Since they've also neglected to reserve a room for the call - Runner and I grab one and invite Gumby, Product and BigRep.

BigRep declines. They want to run the call from their office. Fair enough.

We set up, BigRep does the introductions and we have several people from MassiveClient on the line. Runner sets up the webex on the conference room's machine and shares our screen. I start out by reframing our last discussion and segue into the part where they were going to provide us with feedback. This is going out on a limb a bit, because I'm not entirely certain they've given us anything.

The opposite turns out to be true. They respond with "We've already sent it to you. Weeks ago."

Uh, what the screaming fark?

"Have you seen our spreadsheet? Our team worked diligently on it."

I'm mouthing obscenities while I watch an email appear on my (unshared) laptop. It's from BigRep and it contains two attachments: a PDF and a Word Doc. Both are clearly from the client.

The words 'weeks ago' had blown pretty much every other thought out of my head - so I sit there for a second while I realize the scope of this disaster. We were going to meet to listen to these people, and they are expecting us to have absorbed these documents already. They are going to want to see designs based on them.

F*%k.

What do you do? I'll go by the Ziegler principle: Because it's the easiest thing to remember - tell the truth.

I fess up to not having seen the documents, apologize profusely and start talking about scheduling a follow up meeting where we can have the meeting this feedback deserved. BigRep cuts me off and suggests spending the rest of the meeting going through the feedback documents they've provided and we can ask them questions about them.

Yes. Off the cuff questions are really worth these people's time. They've taken time away from their real jobs and we're going to -

Whatever. We need to proceed. Gumby's first chance to observe UX doing client research is them watching us implode thanks to our being left out of the communication channel.

We finish up as best we can and I go over to BigRep.

What
The
Hell...

BigRep is somewhat aware that something bad has happened, makes it sound like the files never made their way to them until this morning and then starts talking about how it wasn't really that bad.

In other words - this is their fault.

I'm angry and embarrassed. Angry, because this was a total waste of everyone's time - and I'm not convinced that BigRep is tracking that. I guess I'm not really all that embarrassed - UX's screw up was we should have been asking after feedback earlier (and we absolutely will from now on) - but the big ball drop wasn't ours. MassiveClient won't care - they'll be mad at all of us,with good reason.

I really wanted to have a good session so Gumby could have a decent client interview under their belt, but it turns out to be a good experience for them. They get BigRep on the hook for scheduling a follow up with MassiveClient as well as a check in for our team and BigRep beforehand to make sure we won't have a repeat of "oh, I never sent you that?"

This is a good move by Gumby and a sensible practice. Schedule the team meet up when you schedule the client contact. We should be doing this and hadn't been. Point for the Boss.

Gumby also had new eyes when our pre-IPM meeting started to tank because of AV equipment failure. Runner was hanging up the call by accident (their anti-superpower) and I'm misreading the horrid UI on the three remotes that drive this equipment.

We get the call back and Gumby points out two things we were doing wrong and - Presto! - we're back in business. Boss: 2, Subordinates: 0.

Gumby's full of surprises. I remember from their interview that they had a background in the (hideously complicated) subject matter our app is grounded in. But on the job, I can see this becoming a bigger asset as they deal with other in house managers. Gumby's hidden reserve of subject matter expertise will save them from being steamrolled.

Three points for the Boss.

Well, four actually. Gumby has been read into the whole Noddy situation. And so far, the signs are positive. Regular meetings and calling Noddy out on their bullsh!t. The fear is that they are trying to rehabilitate Noddy - which I think would be disastrous. Noddy will do the work if someone is riding them every day. But it would have to be every day. That's a waste of managerial effort, and frankly I think Noddy has passed the point where they could turn things around. They've had at least two years - and this is what we have. It is time to tell them what standards they have to meet and what will happen when they don't meet them. Perhaps Noddy is no longer inspired by their job, and if that's the case - they should search for work that inspires them. UX is a good market these days.

Gumby's just starting out with the Noddy situation, and so far it looks like they are doing the right thing. Gumby and Atlas attended our last IPM and got to see Noddy try to snow everyone. "My work's all ready to go!" It wasn't and it showed - in front of management. It wasn't the full blown implosion the work truly deserved, though.  I think restraint on the part of a lot of our team made things go better than perhaps they should have. But it served to underline the proper way to treat Noddy. Watch this one closely.

Those are the positives to the new era - so far.

There's another aspect to Gumby that has begun showing through that has us more that a bit on edge. I'm not sure I can describe it fairly, but here goes...

Gumby is enthusiastic about creating process and documenting roles. They do so with an energy that seems - to my admittedly cynical mind - to be a little...excessive.  I mean, sometimes - you need to write down a new process so everyone can get on the same path. I get that. But on our project team, the attitude is always that documenting process is a necessary evil.

With Gumby, I get the sense that this is something they genuinely enjoy. Part of this has to do with the way they process information. Their mental workspace appears to be external. Draw things, gesticulate, explain. Communicating what they want may appear excessive because they are doing all of it in front of you. Their enthusiasm for it comes across as cheerleading - and that may be unfair.

Part of my comprehension process has always been explaining things to others - or at least writing them down. Lord knows, I've bored plenty of people with my explanations of things. AmIright?

But there's something else in the wind with Gumby. They are the boss - and we should expect some changes to our wild west existence. Under the former UXDir, we were mostly left to our own devices. After their departure, we've gone positively feral.

The thought that Gumby might start shifting roles within our team - pairing us up on projects differently (e.g. with Noddy) has more than a few of us nervous. Gumby wants to have us do less analyst work and more pure design. I love the analysis part. Doing the investigation means I know what I'm writing up - and writing up the requirements from soup to nuts means I won't lose anything in translation. I want to be open to improvements, but I don't off the cuff change.

Data's abrupt request to report to someone other than the UX director struck me as an indication of their faith in the new boss. I could be wrong.

Gumby came from CorpWorld - and adding meetings & discrete roles may be part of their DNA, or it might be part of their detox process. Part of what's great about NerdHaven is having the freedom to run a problem to ground and kill it. CorpWorld always had a procedural roadblock that stopped you. Or a faction you had to have buy in from.

It's still early days - so I'm not sure where this is going yet. But maybe that is the thing:
Gumby is at the helm of UX: and the crew is nervously looking astern.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5

A while ago, readers of this blog might have noticed an odd post. The contents were a single number which appeared once in the post title and once in the post's body. It was up for just a day or so. 

I promised someone an explanation, and here it is.

*   *   *

I was somewhere over Greenland when it first happened.

Mom and I were flying back from Norway and I had a series of thoughts that haven't left me.

I was looking out the maddeningly thick window at a distorted, frozen landscape and my drama starved imagination conjured up a 'for instance.' And then it just wouldn't stop.

What if the plane tore itself apart right now?

I would die.

But what if the plane came apart without hurting you?

I would still die. At cruising altitude there simply isn't enough air to breathe.

What If you held your breath until you fell into thicker air?

I would still die. Cerebral or pulmonary edema.

Those might not affect you before you...

Froze to death? It's -50 up there. Centigrade.

Dressed warmly...

I would miraculously remain alive and conscious during the six mile plunge to my death.

But if you had a parachute...

And the foresight to strap it on before I was hurled into a frozen, oxygen starved plummet.

You could-

Crash onto Greenland's ice shelf and wander aimlessly until I froze.

To.

Death.

*   *   *

It's thoughts like this that drive home how completely insane it is to be flying in a commercial jetliner.

All those people sitting around you, jostling over seat inclines and gazing expectantly at the attendants? They are shielded from certain death by an aluminium barrier that is a fraction of an inch thick. The notional protection of seat belts, masks, and flotation devices - glossed over with movies, snacks and beverage service. All of it. It makes no sense.

I am not a bad flyer. I don't get shortness of breath, or grip my seat or do any of the classic freak outs. 

Point of fact, I don't freak out. I just fly. But that part of my brain that delights in imagining tragedy and horror is terribly overstocked with source material when it comes to aircraft.

So that's what my brain does while I fly - run an endless loop of Tenerife, Jet Blue, and Lockerbie. My own private 'Seconds from Disaster.' And as a - reasonably - rational adult, I would just deal. But I'm finding there's a difference between flying with my family - and flying without them.

With them, there are countless logistical distractions. Keep the kids from fighting, hold out on deploying snacks or electronics. Bathroom breaks for one and all. There's no time to think, much less think about the thousand of ways everyone you hold dear could suddenly become doomed.

And even if you could, you'd have to eat it, because you can't freak in front of your little girl. Man up, right?

First time I flew without my family, I was going to London. I've been lots of places, but I'd never been to Europe as an adult and there were lots of distractions. Outbound is always easier, you're fresher and looking forward to new adventures. 

The return leg is different. You're beat, and you're headed back to the known - the resumption of all you'd flown away from. 

And Greenland was the return leg from London. It was like a series of bursting dams. I'd hold firm for awhile and then some new possibility would occur to me and I'd be seized with the overwhelming urge to walk the F$%8 around. To run. To scream that we needed to get to a safer altitude, because this sh!t just isn't right.

Air travel was different for me after that.

*   *   *

Sometime after it became clear that I would be taking a second trip to Europe with Mom, I had the idea.

Whenever Mom flew in for a visit, she would joke about things we probably should know and file away. Y'know, here's where I store my logins - in case the plane goes down.

When dad died - I remembered being impressed at how well organized things were. Paperwork was filed away, bills paid, very little to sort out. Aside from waiting for the overwhelmed state agencies to give us dad's death certificate - I think there were two loose ends. We had to transfer title of two of the vehicles that were under just his name to Mom - since the storm had totaled them and insurance wouldn't pay out to a dead man. That, and the gun safe combo was only in dad's head - we had to go through a Byzantine recovery process to get the manufacturer to give it to us.  But on the whole, dad's things were in order.

The thought of getting on a plane again had me wondering what kind of hairball I'd leave to my family if the plane went down. Little stuff like, would they know where to find the bill schedule? Or big stuff like, do I have enough life insurance? To entertain any of these thoughts is to start down an endless slope of self examination. Do I have my sh!t together? What if somebody had to pick up where I left off?

Once the administrative anxieties find their new level - the next logical step in the freak out is thinking of what happens to your loved ones. How you would miss out of their life's milestones, all the things you'd want them to know if you were gone-

-and then you think of leaving them a note in a safe place.

But leaving a piece of paper around seems foolish, because it could get thrown out - or lost, or opened by mistake after you've made it back safely.

I needed a note that would be inaccessible unless the worst happened - when it would become easily available.

And I thought...Blogger allows you to schedule posts in the future... 

That's where it started. I would write a final post that would publish automatically if the worst happened.

*   *   *

I started out by thinking I would write a last letter and quickly decided that a single message was not going to work out.

For one thing, I needed at least one other message. One that posted after my return date just in case I came home and forgot about the scheduled message. Sort of a tripwire message. If it published after I got back, it would be the reminder for me to log in and remove the other message.

Then I thought a single message was taking the easy way out. Like a Christmas letter from the beyond. Hi, everyone. I'm gone now - but I wanted to say a few things... I tried to write that a few times and couldn't make it work. There just wasn't an intro.

I decided on something more focused. Write something for each of them, to them. Those words came to me a lot easier. I would have the posts publish on each of their birthdays. I'd heard of a parent doing something like that, but rather than a series of messages - I'd just have one. I didn't want to linger. I didn't want to haunt.

So then, plan in hand - I went to work.

The tripwire message would publish first, but I knew I couldn't write it until I was done with the others.

*   *   *

First one up on the calendar: the Boy.

I'd tell him how proud I was of him - watching his all-in enthusiasm for the things he loved. How much he reminds me of my dad when he picks a task and runs it down. I'd tell him how I loved watching him happily working away on one of his projects. Or how I'd marvel at the questions he would ask - questions that a battalion of scientists might answer - but were utterly beyond his hapless father.

I would tell him he was my first child, my only son - and that I loved him beyond measure. I would ask him to forgive my failings as a father. Parental mistakes never leave you, and you never get the context to truly express how sorry you are for letting your children down - for being less than the father they deserved.

I would tell him that my world changed after my father was gone - but the responsibilities I'd left to him were things I needed to embrace. I wish my father were here, but I wish I'd realized I didn't have to wait for his help a lot earlier. I have surely made things hard for my boy by lording what I know over him. I should have encouraged more and chastised less.  I tried to be honest about what I knew and what I didn't - and I hoped he would do the same.

My lovely boy.

Be nice, work hard, be honest.

*   *   *

The first draft was terrible, even worse than what you're reading now. But it was therapeutic, in a way. Putting it down in words forced me to think about a lot of things and there was that feeling that I was doing something responsible. Checking something off on a list.

*   *   *

Next up on the calendar would be E.

I knew this one would be hard - partly because there were always trivial, administrative things that would crowd out what I wanted to say. Things like make sure to check on the life insurance policy. Things that were awkward to put in a public blog, but easier to pull out of my head than the real things I needed to say.

Like how I've loved our life together. How we've managed to be comfortable with each other just being how we are for almost two decades. How marvelous it was to watch E in a house full of bustle when we're spooling up for a holiday meal or some gathering. I know she loves that - and it reminds me so much of watching her mom ramp up for one of their family brunches. E loves to make a gathering, thrives on the disorder because it always works out. Left to my own devices, I'd probably tend towards hermit - but E craved contact and would fill the house with people.

I admired E's point of view. How she would always call you out on your bullsh!t. You always hear people say that parenthood changes you, makes you live for someone else, but marriage is a hell of a big shift, too. You share all your viewpoints with someone and learn which ones are indefensible. E's moral compass has trumped many of my antiquated viewpoints and I treasure those moments where one of E's off the cuff pronouncements has changed the way I view everything.

My post to E broke down on all sorts of levels. I kept coming up with random thoughts: Make sure you get a big, floppy dog. And I kept trying to avoid dwelling on regrets.

I'm sorry I never took you to Hawaii.
I'm sorry I won't be there when you need me. I know I swore I would never leave you.

I remember closing with gratitude, how marvelous it was to be with her. How I loved goofing off with her. How I thought she was a spectacular mom. How our late night chats about anything were the best conversation to be had - and I loved how she'd snap "Freak!" at me when I'd pester her.

And I loved pestering her.

I was so proud to see her get her Masters. Doubly so when she made the huge leap to her newest job. Plunging into the deep end after years of the stable and the known. So awesome. 

I love seeing her delight in the kids. Her enthusiasm and love for their every little thing.

*   *   *

There is too much.  This is what I kept learning. How do you sum up a life with family? How do you write a last anything to them?

I kept going back, revising. Evaluating if I'd said enough. Pruning out the sappy. It would never end.

*   *   *

Little e's birthday would be last.

My little happiness factory. Running to meet me - always ready with a huge hug. She made me a poster for my birthday. A rapid fire drawing of E, that said "Happy Birthday! Your Wife, E!" which is perhaps the greatest poster of all time.

I love how she devours books, delights in people and loves to get her groove on. I'm sure over time, she will stop calling me the World's Greatest Dad, but I will use her words as armor against whatever the world will throw at me forever.

I loved saving you from whatever problem you had, little e - but I know you have it in you to be your own solution to things. It's fine to ask for help - but you'd be surprised at what you are capable of.

I love how she will instantly ask after a word she doesn't know - because she wants to understand. I was the kid who'd stay quiet and hope I'd figure it out eventually, rather than risk a question. Keep asking your questions, there is no safety in ignorance.

Hold on to your joy. Be good to your brother. Take care of your mother.

*   *  *

So many things to say - and a note does not allow for the passage of time. You cannot give personal safety advice for a teenage daughter when she's still in elementary school.

Always with siblings, there must be parity. Have I said too much for one and not the other?

Had the worst happened, I wouldn't have known my boy would make the National Honor Roll for math. Something I'm immensely proud of. Not because of the competition, but because he leaned that if he stuck with something he could accomplish great things.

I treasured the pride in his eyes when my son held his medals. Remember that feeling when you are thinking of saying 'no' to something. You can do great things.

The thought that I could have missed that. It's too much.

Thinking of my little girl in her little tricycle, determined to finish the 4th of July parade - on her own.

These moments bubble up into a flood and soon I have to stop.

*   *   *

In writing, you kill your darlings. Pare the words back to the most essential - and exterminate the rest.

I'd done the opposite. Started with the idea of a single post and I'd turned it into four.

The first post, I just called "1" - because I couldn't manage to start it. This was the tripwire post. Once I got back it could serve as the warning post for me to stop the others. But the content was always up in the air. Hi, I might be dead right now...or I just forgot to stop this message from displaying. Keep watching this blog to see which is true.

Then a post for each of my family: 2, 3, 4 posts.

And then 5.

It would seem unjust to end the posts with one directed at a single family member, just because of the calendar. And I'd need to make clear that there would be no more messages. They should know when I was done.

So I started a fifth post - I'd settled on Christmas. Just a short message to tell them how I loved them - how I wished them the very best and that this would be my last post on the blog.

*   *   *

It was the editing that broke me.  I couldn't kill my darlings. I couldn't find ways to make them say everything I wanted. I couldn't make them equal because there was always something left out.

I re-listened to the radio story about that mother who sent the letters - it didn't end well. I knew that, but hearing the anguish in her daughter's voice - I knew a drawn out series of messages could play out in ways I couldn't control.

And then I thought about the likely scenario where I arrive safely home. The scenario where I delete all these messages - so my family won't see them. 

That made the least sense of all. Why would I hide these things from my family? Whatever final words I wanted to leave them with are things I should probably be saying while I'm still here.

The more I thought about it - the less I wanted to keep editing hidden blog posts. I figured I should do a better job of making sure I'm saying these things out loud. To my family.

When my father died, I remember people asking me "if there was anything they could do," and the only answer I had for them came years later.

Is there anything you could do? Yes.
If you love someone, the next chance you get - and I mean the very next chance you get 
- tell them so. 

*   *   *

About a week before our flight to Paris, I started deleting the posts, 5, 4, 3, 2.  All that angst and foolishness blown away with a few clicks.  It felt pretty good.

The '1' post was empty, save for the single '1' I'd put in there when I first had the idea.

Somehow, in the rush to go - I'd left that post in there & it published after I got back.

I got a comment asking after what it meant and I promised an explanation - so here it is.

I'm kind of glad '1' published by mistake. Helped me think about a lot of things that needed a little brainwork.

-But flying still scares the crap out of me.

The Full Noddy

S'been awhile since I b!tched about work, so I'm gonna do that now.

For the most part, the past few months have been a straight up march towards rollout. Arwafn, the report Runner and I have been working on, is due to be flipped on - for realsies - on the day of the Q4 release, along with all the stuff Data, Sprint, & Heater have been cranking out.

The UX team did a big demo of all the stuff pre-launch (which I missed because little e was sick), but the overall response was positive. This launch will be an oddity for NerdHaven, since most of the functionality will be triggered site by site, when the clients have ramped up their data connections.

Normally, all the new stuff lands like a ton of bricks and post rollout, the devs spend a day putting out fires. This time, a lot of the new stuff was deployed months ago, but has only been turned on for a few customers. The fires are already long gone - and now the UX team are supposed to move onto the next new thing.

Since UX delivers the requirements so the devs can work, we're actually supposed to have started the next new thing awhile ago, so that the post rollout devs don't suddenly find themselves without stuff to do.

So... are we hosed?

The astute reader may have noticed I'd mentioned work by Sprint, Data, Heater, Runner & myself - but not Noddy.

Noddy has no work at all going out in the Q4 Release - which should horrify any self respecting professional. Nearly a full year of effort and what can they claim to have been working on?

Not a hell of a lot actually. But there is this one thing: I'll call it the Vee Project. Vee is something that Noddy seized on back in September as the Thing They Were Working On. It kept them out of our hair and - Amazingly - Noddy did seem to be making stuff.

In the abstract, the Vee Project involves our clients getting data out of a very precise machine, evaluating it and reporting select data bits to the government.

At some point, Noddy sits me down to explain this in excruciating detail and my first impression is Why the hell are we trying to solve this problem?

The clients appear to be getting data out of the machine by writing it down on a clipboard. Later they key this data into a government web app that tells them if they have to key in more details for a given data set.

Noddy tells me that our web app will be a copy of the government's web app - but we won't be able to transmit data to the government site until 2017, because the gov't website isn't set up to do that yet.

In other words, we can't get the initial data electronically (because it's on a clipboard), so our client will have to manually enter it into our application. Since our app cannot send data to the gov't site for over 2 years, our clients will then re-type their data into the gov't site.

This sounds unbelievably stupid - and I say this to Noddy. "Why would someone do this?"

Noddy is unmoved "they want to keep their data. The gov't site won't let them."

"Yeah," I say, "But they have to double enter their data to keep it. That's horrible."

* * * *

I'll spare you the play by play - but you get the idea. This is a problem for our users, but (as explained to me, at least) this is not a problem our software will actually solve. Our app will become another mouth to feed, when the original problem was our clients having to feed just one.

This is the problem Noddy has been working on since September - and over a month ago Product informed us that the Vee Project would be the number 1 priority for next year. In our regular reindeer games meeting, Data was conflicted over this. "You know Noddy is going to screw this up. Professionally, we can't allow them to screw up next year's big feature."

At this point, Data's talking to Sprint, Runner, and me. We've all seen Noddy do next to nothing on other projects. If the project is low priority, nothing is done at all. Once it becomes prioritized, Noddy fumbles along until they are given a partner - someone who actually gives a sh!t, like Sprint - and suddenly things start getting done. Not by Noddy, to be sure, they're still on Ebay like always - but you can count on Noddy to offer to help management and Product "with any questions they have."

Meanwhile, Sprint (or Data, or whoever is unlucky enough to get paired up with Noddy) grinds through the work, doing 100% of what should be 50-50.

It's happened before too often - hell, Runner and I got Noddy thrown off Arwafn because all he was doing was coat-tailing on our work.

Noddy's effing up the Vee Project - and saving the project effectively means saving Noddy, too. And nobody wants to save Noddy.

Data's a professional - they opt to take the bullet and pair up with Noddy. The Vee Project cannot fail.

With Data's involvement, things start happening immediately. The day after they start on the project, they discover that there is a way for us to get the initial dataset automatically, rather than from manual entry off a clipboard. The Vee Project goes from "bag of suck" to "wow!" after a single day of Data's analysis.

Noddy has been on the same project for almost four months and this avenue of inquiry has never occurred to them. I know this because I'd grilled them on it - and in response to "Where does the data on the clipboard come from? How do we get to that?" all I received was a blank look.

Noddy had been told the information came from a clipboard and that was the end of their analysis. Data contacted the originating device manufacturers, read the manuals, and did a rough survey of customers to determine if a good % of the originating devices are in use by our clients.

And that was day 1 of Data's involvement. Then they began setting up client interviews to tease out the nuts and bolts of getting data from the originating system all the way to the government website. In short order, there are a brace of client interviews about the Vee project. Data sets them up, surveys the participants and leads the discussion.

Noddy... creates a wiki page to store the notes from each session. If I were generous, I would say this is work that takes 15 minutes. At stand up, Noddy tells the team repeatedly that they are "transcribing the interview notes."

Now, I've done transcriptions for the Arwafn project and it can take ridiculous amounts of time. Runner and I started out writing down every word. Eventually, we realized that we were making new interviews faster than we were transcribing old ones. We paired it down to main take aways and supporting quotes and it was still a lot of work.

If Noddy was working on transcription, it could take awhile. Being Noddy - it could be a Long while. But weeks go by - and the only new text that appears on the wiki pages for each interview comes from Data. They're writing up bullet points - a sensible compromise - given what is needed and the amount of work to be done. Not to mention that they are essentially doing this entirely on their own.

At some point, Noddy adds a single list of bullet point notes to the wiki for a single interview. Out of a half a dozen interviews, Noddy did one - in bullet points - so that might be an hour or two of work.

As expected, the division of labor on the Vee Project is pretty much everything is on Data's shoulders. Noddy is showing up to meetings and not a lot else.

Early on, Noddy was actually doing stuff on the Vee Project. They'd made mockups of two web forms - essentially duplicates of the forms that exist on the government website. Building these forms would be asking our clients to double enter data in our site and the gov't site (since the gov't site doesn't have an API and won't accept data imports until 2017). I could see starting out working on these forms, but they are clearly not high value elements of our solution. To be fair, making them might help a UX person better understand the overall problem. I get that they would be written up. But again - they are a dead end - and they appear to be the only thing Noddy has done.

Around the first week in December Product calls us into a room to assess where we are at and how easy it will be to pivot from work like Arwafn to the new number 1 priority, the Vee Project. Noddy pipes up that we also need to have some work for Nachen, a batch of gov't related work that has traditionally been their bailiwick.

* * * *

<aside>
This is typical Noddy. The Nachen stuff is convoluted and Noddy grokked up on it pretty good. No one is terribly eager to follow them, so Noddy is largely bulletproof when it comes to Nachen work. Any question will provoke reams of detailed blather from Noddy that few people have the will to investigate enough to pin down. YQA can school them, but almost nobody else. 

A portion of the Nachen work comes with a federal mandate, so its priority ranking is largely out of our hands. Noddy clearly enjoys telling everyone that space must be cleared in the schedule for their work. Since Noddy knows the Nachen release schedule, they get to tell Product what must be done and when. 

All of this might not be a big deal if Noddy was all the way up to speed and keeping Product in the loop with regular updates. They could be plotting work on the calendar and having it queued up ahead of time. The Nachen work is on a regular schedule - and while there is some variance - we could be ahead of the game. With Noddy, it's almost like each year's update is a complete surprise. 

Product is clearly struggling to figure out how much work they need to account for and when. Product is not happy.
</aside>

* * *

Back to the meeting. Noddy throws out a cloud of uncertainty about Nachen work - Product flexes hard and pins down Noddy to a defined set of Nachen work that includes the must-haves. The work is not ready, but Noddy is put on notice that it needs to be before we go on winter break.

We have a big discussion about the Vee Project. We ultimately decide that there are two main approaches - the old, broken way that Noddy has started (the duplicate forms) and the new, awesome way (the automated flow that Data has been working towards). We know the automated way will take some time, so we decide to start with the old, broken way and we will plan on hooking those forms up to the new, awesome way as we go along.

Which means Noddy's forms will need to be ready to go before we go on break. Noddy is put on notice of this.

Then Product does an odd thing - they give us homework. I suspect Product is having trouble seeing the foundational research that our feature work is grounded on. On Arwafn, for example - Runner and I have interviews and notes, but there are no aggregate documents to show merged findings and trends so that product can see "yes, this feature is well grounded in research." Product wants some of this foundational research written up before we go too much further on the Vee Project. Since time is short - Product asks everyone on the UX team to pick a Vee Project interview and do a write up of data flow and task flow.

This is odd for lots of reasons, but it will get all of UX read into the Vee Project, and it will get Product a better picture of the common user problems coming out of Data's research. Each of us gets an assigned interview and we are told to have them done by the end of the second week of December.

Product sends us an email summarizing the work each of us is accountable for.

"Each of us" includes Noddy.

* * *

With four days to do my homework from Product - I need to listen to the recorded interview, write up some notes and turn them into two documents and post them to the wiki.

This is not hard. The only complication is that I'm really under-informed on the Vee Project. A lot of things that are said are things I am guessing at, or might misinterpret. Since all our documents will be posted on the wiki - I don't want to look stupid.

Neither does anyone else. Designers are a funny lot - and you can tell some of our UX team is sweating this work. Heater is positively terrified. Heater is more of a traditional business analyst, so these documents are way outside their comfort zone. They don't want to fail in front of product and they are coming over repeatedly to see what the rest of us are making - just to be sure. I have a lot of sympathy for Heater.

Noddy, on the other hand, spends most of the week doing their usual - looking busy. They talk with the offshore contractors about Nachen work, but you can tell they are making a meal out of a morsel. When the subject of our homework comes up - Noddy vacillates between saying they are working on it to saying they really need to start working on it. I'm starting to get the feeling they want help with it - and Runner and I are planning on posting our work as close to the due date as possible so Noddy doesn't repurpose ours and turn it in.

(This is how stupid things have gotten with Noddy. I would spend hours helping Heater if they asked for it, but Noddy? They know how to do this work, they just don't want to put effort into it.)

Noddy's going on a weekend getaway the day our homework is due and is complaining about how they haven't packed and how crazy their week is becoming. I just nod and keep on working. Towards the end of Thursday, Noddy is bemoaning all the things they have to do. It's just Noddy and I in the team room and I get the distinct impression that Noddy is working their way up to asking me to do their work for them. They're hoping I'll volunteer - and I pointedly refuse to do that. Earbuds in, head down. Screw you, Noddy. Do your goddamned work. Noddy finally finishes up with, "I guess I'll come in super early and get this done."

This - from a person who hasn't made it into the office before 9:45 in almost a month.

The next day I'm sick as a dog so I work from home - I think little e was sick, too. I'm done with my work but waiting to post it until later in the day. Noddy's flying out mid-day, so they will only be in the office until 11 or so. Given their usual arrival time, they'd better be early if they want to get anything done.

I'm IM'ing Runner on Friday - homework due day - and learn that Noddy rolled in around 10am and has asked Runner to do the work (in sort of a throwaway manner, like "it's not going to get done, unless you do it... *expectant pause*"). Mentally, Runner says F*&% that noise, and keeps to their own work.

At 2:30, I post my work to the wiki, noting that in the slots where Noddy's work would be- there are only <insert file here> tags.

* * *
Tuesday, December 16.

I'm working from home with what I suspect was the flu - and I get IM'ed by Atlas. They're getting the sense that there is some Vee Project work that is slipping and they want to know what I remember from the earlier meeting with Product. They've been trying to get in contact with Noddy, but only got their voicemail.

I'm straining to remember things when Atlas interrupts to say their phone is ringing - "That might be Noddy now."

Fifteen minutes later, I get IM'ed by Noddy.

You may need a glossary for this

• Story = discrete unit of work for development 
• Epic = group of stories that support a common feature 
• RFD = Ready For Development. Story status that means UX is done with it and devs can work on it. 
• Ready for Analysis/In Analysis = story statuses that mean UX is ready to start working on it or is still working on it. Devs consider these stories radioactive, since they don't know what the hell they will turn into yet. 

With that primer, I give you - The Full Noddy...

Noddy [9:17 AM]: murph

murph [9:18 AM]: Hey

Noddy [9:18 AM]: so were you at the meeting yesterday?

murph [9:18 AM]: Which meeting?

Noddy [9:18 AM]: [project]

murph [9:19 AM]: We had a prioritization meeting yesterday - I wasn't invited to a [project] meeting.
What's up?

Noddy [9:20 AM]: evidently there are some [Vee] stories that are neding some [requirements]
that they wanted to take
and was hoping you knew which ones they were

<aside>This is Noddy, asking me to tell them what work they are supposed to get done - on THEIR project. The one they've been on for over three months.</aside>

murph [9:21 AM]: I was linking up stories to the overview page - so in [our project tracker app] if you click on the [Vee] or [Nachen] links you should find lists of stories.
Wait, Product's email might have them. One sec.
Yeah, the email from the 9th. You want me to forward it?

Noddy [9:23 AM]: sure

murph [9:23 AM]: en route now

Noddy [9:25 AM]: hmm

murph [9:25 AM]: I guess it doesn't list exact story numbers, but Product's talking about which features they’re looking for

Noddy [9:26 AM]: just talked to Atlas and they said that I was supposed to have those stories done already and Product clearly has the due date as 12/19....

murph [9:27 AM]: These are just the [Vee Form1 & Vee Form2] - ?
Oh, the [submit data to Nachen], too - that's a beast

Noddy [9:28 AM]: well the [Nachen report] story
which we can't start unless we want to do [2012’s version]

murph [9:28 AM]: Are those done?

<aside>At this point, I was thinking Noddy owed product their data and task flows and a few stories for the Vee Project. Noddy's bringing up the topic of more Nachen work I'd forgotten about.</aside>

Noddy [9:29 AM]: what are those?

murph [9:29 AM]: The [2012’s version] stories

Noddy [9:29 AM]: they were talking about having me do all the leg work the other day
but they would have to give me a format to give it to them in
sounds like they are trying to pawn it off

murph [9:30 AM]: Who is 'they?'

Noddy [9:30 AM]: [the West Coast developers]
with [a former developer] gone
they might not know how to do it now

murph [9:31 AM]: Are the [Nachen reports] RFD (Ready For Development, i.e. done)? How many stories are there?

Noddy [9:31 AM]: just one
if they want me to do the tabulizing then no

murph [9:32 AM]: [Is it West Coast story] #438?

Noddy [9:32 AM]: if they are going to do it then yes for 2012
but we were hoping for 2013 due october 15
but delayed due to [an event in the news that has nothing to do with anything]

murph [9:33 AM]: If 438 is the right [Nachen report] story - it's still listed as In Analysis, so [West Coast] won't even be looking at it

murph [9:35 AM]: Why does it have comments from [a West Coast QA] in it?
Is that even the right story?

Noddy [9:35 AM]: it was a copy from an identical story a few years back

<aside>In other words, "I copied and pasted this story from last year's and didn't bother to remove testing notes or update anything. But it's "Ready For Dev"</aside> 

murph [9:36 AM]: But this is the right one?

Noddy [9:36 AM]: yes, it is

murph [9:37 AM]: It hasn't been touched in 3 months

Noddy [9:37 AM]: they were waiting for the 2013 [version]

murph [9:37 AM]: We have those, right?

Noddy [9:37 AM]: because they didn't want to do it again in a few months
the 2012 yes
had we known Nachen would have pushed this off so far, then maybe we would have taken the story earlier...
but that would have displaced something else we got done

murph [9:39 AM]: Product's asking for 2012 in their email

<aside>You remember earlier? Noddy was saying "they were waiting for the 2013 version. But on December 9th, Noddy was in a meeting with Product where product said "We're so out of date, we can't wait for the 2013 update. We need to put the 2012 updates in asap." Then Product emailed all of us and put Noddy's name by this item as a To-Do. 

Noddy was still waiting for the 2013 update to arrive from Nachen - because it allowed them to continue doing nothing. They've forgotten the meeting, ignored the email and twiddled their thumbs. This is the first moment they are actually reading it and they realize what they've been telling me is total crap. </aside>

Noddy [9:39 AM]: then let's make it so
I asked the [West Coast] team to send me a format for the data if they want to take the story
I just love how noone takes ownership
this is how stuff slips through the cracks

murph [9:40 AM]: Noddy, this is your story. You own it.
If they aren't responding, you need to bug them or raise it as a blocker

Noddy [9:41 AM]: yes, and how many times was it pushed aside

murph [9:41 AM]: With the story In Analysis, no dev is going to touch it

Noddy [9:41 AM]: I rallied for it for 3 months

murph [9:42 AM]: Noddy, looking at Product's email, they’re looking for a lot more than this story.
What do we have that is RFD for Nachen/[Vee]?

Noddy [9:42 AM]: I will have to look

murph [9:43 AM]: I'm looking at the [Vee] feature list now- I don't see anything as RFD.
You had stories with mockups, right? how close are those?

Noddy [9:44 AM]:
Most need a few [requirements] then they are good to go

murph [9:44 AM]: I see 6 stories - did Product want all of them by the 19th?

Noddy [9:44 AM]: I had not added the [requirements] becasue I was told to hold off

murph [9:44 AM]: by who?

Noddy [9:44 AM]: Product
becasue they were the "old broken"
and they wanted us to do the "new awesome"

<aside>This is absolute bullsh!t. Product told Noddy exactly the opposite on the 9th.</aside>

murph [9:45 AM]: Well, they’ve clearly come around - remember that meeting from early Dec? these were the first step towards [Vee]

Noddy [9:45 AM]: now they wants the old broken

murph [9:45 AM]: Then in Jan we were going to hook up the dynamic stuff

Noddy [9:45 AM]: but they has has me tasked on everything else
and Nachen
and [offshore]
and the soup of the day

murph [9:46 AM]: Then the time to cry out isn't three days before they expect this stuff
jesus, Noddy

Noddy [9:46 AM]: just getting [offshore devs] set up

murph [9:46 AM]: What the hell? You'd been doing [Vee] since before thanksgiving
If Product just wants a basic form we could have given them an RFD by now.
What can we give them by Friday?

Noddy [9:47 AM]: I forgot that the [requirements] were not done
I was going to finish it in the next 30 in
min
it is that short

<aside>It is absolutely not that short.</aside>

murph [9:48 AM]: Plus validation, that's not quick.
I didn't think the [Vee form 2] was that short, either.
Do we have all the [latest version of Nachen] stuff?
RFD, I mean?

Noddy [9:48 AM]: [Vee form 2] is not in that path

murph [9:49 AM]: Okay, so no [Vee form 2].
That's good.

Noddy [9:49 AM]: the [latest version of Nachen] stiff that breaks is
I also have other additions that are ready as well

murph [9:49 AM]: What stories for [latest version of Nachen] are RFD?

Noddy [9:49 AM]: gave Product a longlist

murph [9:50 AM]: more importantly, what stories for [latest version of Nachen] aren't RFD and need to be by Friday?

Noddy [9:50 AM]: I will look into it now
make sure that they are ready
and queued up

murph [9:51 AM]: And the [Send data to Nachen], no way that's happening by Friday

<aside>I'm starting to freak out at this point. Product's email has a LOT of action items assigned to Noddy. I knew they were behind on some items, but this is a large wedge of work that looks to be in the ditch.</aside>

Noddy [9:51 AM]: the [Send data to Nachen] stuff is done

murph [9:51 AM]: RFD and good to go?

Noddy [9:51 AM]: that was ready months ago
on the UI side yes

murph [9:52 AM]: Which story is it?

Noddy [9:52 AM]: there are several
search for direct [Send data to Nachen]
there is an epic

murph [9:53 AM]: Epic [under our team project], right?

Noddy [9:53 AM]: lemmie check

murph [9:54 AM]: I see two stories listed as Ready for Analysis, but they have [requirements]

Noddy [9:54 AM]: yes, that looks correct
they are RFD

<aside>This is another pet peve of mine. Noddy doesn't do the work and doesn't progress it properly so the team knows what to do. If the story was marked RFD, somebody downstream would have looked at it by now and we'd know if it needed more work or not. Since it wasn't tagged properly, the evaluation of "is it RFD?" will have to start now. </aside>

murph [9:55 AM]: These look like they need tech review, but [requirements] is a good start

Noddy [9:55 AM]: already went over them with Big Dog and OneTwentyEight

murph [9:55 AM]: Right, but a review with them would be good. They were pinging me yesterday about a story they reviewed over a month ago. They're not going to remember

Noddy [9:56 AM]: Big Dog says we need to meet with the architechture team to decide on a modle to use for hte backend

murph [9:56 AM]: Plus - knowing thiese are up in priority will help them focus on the backend rampup needed.
I don't even know if Big Dog/OneTwentyEight are in later this week

Noddy [9:56 AM]: I have been pushing this for several months and getting blown off

murph [9:57 AM]: Well, your time has come with a vengeance. Acc'ding to Product, this stuff is up

Noddy [9:57 AM]: kinda sucks that the moment I get a few days off they want to focus on in and have me work on it

murph [9:58 AM]: Noddy, Product's email is from the 9th.
This is sudden, but not that sudden

Noddy [9:58 AM]: and I have been swamped with other stuff as well since then

murph [9:59 AM]: I get that, but the time to squawk about that was on the 9th, not the 16th

Noddy [9:59 AM]: I even came in on friday (my first day of PTO) to work on it

murph [9:59 AM]: This is going to be brutal

<aside>This is me freaking out. Product wanted a LOT to be ready and Noddy has practically nothing.</aside>

Noddy [9:59 AM]: how many devs do we have?

murph [10:00 AM]: ?

Noddy [10:00 AM]: are Big Dog and OneTwentyEight working the next two weeks?
How about the [West Coast] devs?

<aside>This is Noddy's smokescreen attempt. "Hey! there won't be devs in the office over the holidays, so my deadlines don't matter."</aside>

murph [10:01 AM]: I dunno, I'm thinking Big Dog is out at least.
But I don't think that's the point - I think Product wanted this stuff in the can prior to the break

Noddy [10:02 AM]: So the programming elves are gooing to be in working on the code then..

murph [10:03 AM]: Noddy, I don't set the deadlines - if you want to debate the due date, take it up with Product. I'm just saying their email says they wants all that by Friday.
If that can't/shouldn't happen - the person who should be advised of that is Product

Noddy [10:03 AM]: OK
I will make it so
and I will talk to them...if they are available

murph [10:04 AM]: Let me know if they change priorities.

Noddy [10:04 AM]: OK
sorry to vent on you

murph [10:04 AM]: No prob.

Noddy [10:05 AM]: are you taking PTO?

<aside>Translation: "Will you be around to help me with these?"</aside>

murph [10:05 AM]: Between Christmas and New Years. Today I'm WFH, because I have the croup-y cough that's going around - and I imagine folks don't want me to share.

<aside>Translation: No Effing Way.</aside> 

Noddy [10:07 AM]: well I have a terrible headache
and need to catch up on my sleep
my flight [home] on Sunday was canceled and I was forced to spend the night in the airport
then fly to [hub city] and take a bus to get home

murph [10:08 AM]: You slept in the [resort town] airport?

Noddy [10:08 AM]: and after a weekedn in [resort town]
no Denver

murph [10:08 AM]: stlll, ick

Noddy [10:08 AM]: yes
fog
closed the airport

murph [10:09 AM]: Good times

Noddy [10:09 AM]: OK, Ill get the [requirements] done for the [Vee] form
that should placate the beast

murph [10:10 AM]: And talk with Product. They need to know what's what.

Noddy [10:10 AM]: yes

* * *

And while that is a lot (an awful lot) the Full Noddy experience is still not complete. Because there is a backstory to that last exchange that you truly need to appreciate.

Noddy's saying how awful their trip back from the resort town was - but I already know. The reason I know is because Runner told me.

How does Runner know about Noddy's crappy flight home?

Because, on Monday (Dec 15th) while Runner was in Tennessee on a site visit - Noddy texted them at 6:15am to tell them that they "wouldn't make it home until the evening" so Noddy wouldn't be in to the office like they'd planned.

Oh, and they wanted Runner to contact Product and tell them that Noddy wouldn't be able to do their homework.

There is so much wrong going on there, I need to unpack that.

1. Texting a co-worker's cell in general - sans prior permission, this is not okay. 
2. Texting a co-worker at 6:15 in the goddamned morning. 
3. Texting a co-worker at 6:15 in the goddamned morning when they are on the road. 
4. Texting a co-worker who is a parent at 6:15 in the goddamned morning when they are on the road. I dunno about you, but if I'm away from home and get a text at 6:15am, I'm thinking somebody's had a car accident, or my kid is missing. 
5. Texting a co-worker to tell them you are going to be out of the office. Seriously, you have a smart phone and NerdHaven has webmail. You need to contact the office? Email your supervisor and your team. Runner isn't your goddamned secretary. 
6. Texting a co-worker to ask them to tell a higher up that you are going to miss a deadline. 
1. Chickenshit. Tell the higher ups your goddamned self. 
2. The work was due the previous Friday anyway, so dude - it's been late for three days now. Like you need another update. 
3. You have a smartphone and webmail - why are you texting a third party, dumbass? 

But the capstone to all of this - the cherry on this sh!tpile sundae, is the reflexive bit of bullcrap that Noddy just couldn't resist laying down. Needlessly, as it turns out.

Noddy texts Runner to say they won't be in to the office until late because of their air travel problems. Runner has a smartphone and checks to see what delays are happening out of [resort town] and finds the flight trackers aren't agreeing with what Noddy's saying. While it's probably true that Noddy slept in the Denver airport like they said, we know for a fact that they made it home during daylight hours.

How? Because Noddy's facebook page shows them in a movie theatre - in town - standing next to some dude dressed as Gandalf.

Noddy's a huge Hobbit fan - and on the 15th the movie theaters were offering a three movie marathon that started around noon. The picture's timestamp shows he was at the theater at 3pm.

Noddy is so epically full of sh!t.

And again, there was no reason to lie. "I'll be out all day" was all he needed to say and that would be the end of it. His homework documents for Product were already late, so having an alibi for Monday doesn't help him a bit. People might have been looking for him, but a simple "I was flying back on Monday" would have covered it. No, he had to make up some dramatic story- and then completely kneecap it with his own stupidity via social media.

So now you know.

That's the Full Noddy. Full throttle awful, all across the board.

And they've been like this ever since I started here. Why UXDir ever put up with this is utterly beyond me.

But the winds of change are blowing - and this latest collapse has not gone unnoticed by the higher ups.

Yesterday, when checked the wiki for Noddy's homework being posted, it still said

<insert file here>

Stay tuned.

H

So Nerdhaven is hiring.

I've put out feelers to UXers I know - but most of them are placed.

Stimpy's at Candy Land until December, I'm hoping that Candy Land snaps them up - otherwise I want them to come here. They'd be good.
The UX community is not a large place, but in my corner of the world it is positively incestuous. NerdHaven posted two UX positions and suddenly my LinkedIn inbox is lighting up like a Christmas tree.

First comes Gumby - a veteran of CorpWorld who bailed out of Usability when the first round of killings began. They'd moved to a department whose job it was to step in when inter-depatmental disagreements threatened a project. It says a lot about CorpWorld that there was such a group - and that they were busy. Gumby is asking me out of the blue for information about NerdHaven.

They want the UX Director job. It's the first one out of the chute. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Gumby was solid in UX, but as a manager, I'm more than skeptical.
How to respond? You tell  the truth. You wanna know about NerdHaven? I'll tell you. It's awesome.

Next is Apok -  I like Apok, I hope they do well. I think they'd landed at a bank - and I can't see that as being a good slot for anyone interested in innovation.
How to respond? You tell  the truth. You wanna know about NerdHaven? I'll tell you. It's awesome.

Then comes Newf "Hi, I don't remember if we worked together at CorpWorld, but I know two people you do know there, so.."

Newf was a member of CorpWorld's D-Business.

I was in the same room with them twice - I remember them, and what I was asking them to do. They don't remember me at all, but they'd like help in landing a gig at Nerdhaven.
I know exactly zero about their capabilities or interpersonal skills.
How to respond? You tell  the truth. You wanna know about NerdHaven? I'll tell you. It's awesome.

Then there's G-Man.
G-Man ran CorpWorld's D-Business group. I think Apok works for them. Which is awkward. G-Man wants to be UXDirector.
Again, solid design chops - not so sure about their UX-ing - and as a manager, I always thought they were too meek. It might have been CorpWord's moribund process, though. Not really much opportunity to take the reins when every decision needed a dozen sign-offs.
How to respond? You tell  the truth. You wanna know about NerdHaven? I'll tell you. It's awesome.

And then there's H.
I got pinged by them on LinkedIn. They'd mentioned applying at one of NerdHaven's sister offices way off in who-the-hell-knows. They'd asked if there were any jobs in my neck of the woods.
How to respond?

...

I tell the truth, mostly. NerdHaven is hiring a UXer. I didn't mention the UXDir job, though. Because - that would be too terrifying. I don't think H would actually relocate. Last I heard, they were on the west coast. It would be quite a jump for them to come here.

This morning I get an email from a NerdHaven staffer. It's about a phone message left for me.

NerdHaven doesn't have phones at desks - at least, not in project rooms like mine. As, in - you can't call NerdHaven and ask for me, because I don't have an extension.
NerdHaven also doesn't have a receptionist. You get a random external line and takes yer chances.

The phone message is - of course - from H.
This could only mean they are applying at NerdHaven - and the only posted job at the moment is the UX Dir job.

Which means H wants to be my boss again.

And leaving a message for me is them asking me to help them out on that.

Let's tally that up shall we?

Gumby (hmm), Noddy (the Sum of All Fears), Suit (ack), G-Man (hmmm), and now H (The only person not worse than Noddy).

God Almighty, I hope there's a larger pool of senior UX applicants.

Happy Dance

Stimpy got the Candy Land gig.

It's a short run, but still awesome.

Rockin'

Two Tables and a Dropped Ball

It is one thing not to know, it is quite another to not even suspect.

About a month ago, I'm getting pinged by the Bass - a really excellent customer relations rep. The Bass has been aces at getting Runner and I access to clients interested in the Arwafn.

In one of our sessions, I'd griped to the universe at large about a particular feature request. Clients almost universally wanted Arwafn data separated into two groups. 

Conceptually, this is a dead simple UX request. Write it up, ship it!

But y'know: devil, details...

In order to actually split the data, I have to associate a classification of group A or group B to all of the possible data elements in report.

No problem. This data exists in the world. Somebody has compiled a list of which elements are in A or B.

Right?

I'd thought so, months ago... until I asked our SMEs who were like "Gosh, I dunno... I think it's just something you kind of know."

Point of order: Arwafn has over 2,000 data elements.

Nobody just knows that many classifications. They might know their favorites, and might be able to spot the ones that just seem wrong. But no way - there has to be a list somewhere.

So I search for such a thing and find partial lists and dodgy compilations - but nothing I could hang a hat on and present to customers. "Trust me, I found it on the interwebs...!"

Frustrating. A known set of data that is unavailable in a reliable, complete form.

So, I'm griping about this to the Bass - and they, being cool, file that away.

Days later, they IM me to say that their clients rely on a published text that gets them what they need on Arwafn grouping.  I'm like: Score! Where do I get such magic?

An hour later, I'm walking into my local megaBookstore and pulling a copy of this magical tome off the shelf.

-and trying not to let it get blown away by a stiff breeze. MegaBookstore only had the pocket edition of this reference - about 3 inches on a side - in 7 point type.

But I plow in and rapidly determine that PocketGuide will get me about 10% of what I need. But it is a published authority. A start.

Plus, a certain number of the values can be derived when applying them to similar data elements. 10% might turn into 20% or so.

At this point, I'm tipping down the rabbit hole and start doing more research. I blunder across a government database that is intended to allow for publication searches, but their header system nicely classifies the data it finds... under group A or group B.

Double Score!

Details beget details and soon I learn that the Arwafn data element list will have Groups A, B, C, D, E, F and possibly others. I only care about A & B, but with 2,000 plus elements, classifying each one will take a long time, regardless of what each value turns out to be.

I find another database in the UK that fills in more gaps - and then the big score: I find a government listing of data elements that is pretty much my Arwafn list - and it has database codes.

Winner! Better still, it has aliases for a huge chunk of my data elements. A ton of things I could not find are definitively associated with a radically different name. Searches on those names get me a classification for everything. It takes three days, plus another three to proof it and double check. 

It is not 100% but this is AGILE. We'll make this happen and improve it as we go.

But during the proofing, I notice something odd. I'd rigged some conditional formatting in a spreadsheet so I could compare my Arwafn element list vs the government element list.

And I see a bunch of things in our list that look like typos. Element names that are close to what I think they would be, but are clearly either alternate spellings or just plain mistakes.

And there are additional elements on the govt list. Things that we might want to have on our list. Some are clearly duplicates - but perhaps its better to list the same thing on the list multiple times so people can find it under the name they prefer.

It's not a huge list of discrepancies - about 50 - but my Arwafn list is currently being used by our customers in other features. If we're wrong, we are visibly wrong in front of clients.

This is bad. I think.

I mention this to Data in one of our collaboration sessions. Data is very skeptical that this is possible. And Data is a very precise kind of person. I respect their opinion, and let's face it - I'm literally cobbling together some sources into a Franken-list. 

Also, the government list I found was dated January of this year. We may already have a process in place to address this and we just haven't caught up with the new list. I really don't know, but that's why I'm checking with Data.

Meeting over - I go back and check my tables in excel. The Arwafn table vs the Govt table.

And we really do look like we have some mistakes. The Govt table looks like it has the odd typo here and there, but most of the oddness is on our end. 

And I know I pulled our list from production code.

I go do it again, and do a compare to make sure I'm not seeing things. 

I'm not.  So I copy just the 50 odd records into a file and send them to Data. Just a "Here's what I found" kinda message. Data will at least be able to tell me if I'm nuts.

A few days pass and Data pings me back "I've had a look at the file you sent. You need to set up a meeting with you, me and Noddy."

*     *     *     *

Okay, so the first thing you need to know is that part of the Reindeer Games that have been going on the past few months have involved Data avoiding Noddy almost entirely. A meeting with Data in it would typically begin with the question "are we alone?" Meaning: is everyone I can see on the video monitor everyone there is? or are there other people in room but off-camera?

Subtext: Is Noddy in the room?

The answer was generally, "Yes, who you see is all there is," but if Noddy was on the meeting invite, Data would skip the meeting so long as they had any professional cover.

Data's a pro - and they don't shirk work - but they dread working with Noddy more that most of us. Probably because they've put up with them longer  - seen more of their bullsh!t, watched too many good features die under their care.  

But this time, Data wants to meet with Noddy.

I'm wondering whether I should hide or get popcorn.

*     *     *     *

When the appointed day arrives, Runner, Noddy and I file into our conference room and dial up the west coast. Data's there and we get down to biz.

I start by stepping through what I've done to find these discrepancies and Data (sharp as ever) identifies a flaw in the way I've associated the two tables with each other. I just eyeballed them, because they line up almost perfectly. Govt table has a few more values, but inserting a few blank records into the Arwafn table makes the two virtually identical. They are clearly originating from a common list.

To Data, this is not much to count on - they want ID numbers, standardized codes, then you know that one element is truly the same thing as another. Because the codes match. 

Display text? Please, you're embarrassing yourself.

But even with this ding, Data can see we have an issue. Our list should not have typos in it - and it should match the government list.

And it doesn't.

I'm thinking this is Data's bailiwick - they are Data, after all. So I start in like an innocent, "so is there a regular process in place to check our table with the government table?"

Data is blunt. "Clearly there isn't, but there should be."

Now, I'm getting nervous. I really like Data, but my imprecision in earlier dealings with them have left me feeling like I'm always annoying them with dumb questions. Now I've come to them with a question that sounds like I'm saying their house is not in order.

I.... uh... what do we do now?  

All I wanted was to give Arwafn its grouping feature. It's just a bunch of typos, is this really a big-

"So, Noddy..." Data is staring daggers through the vidcom, "How do you usually handle this sort of thing?"

Standing neck hair. 

Lightbulbs.

Data's mad. Just not at me.

Data's grokked the issue right off the bat. Me, I'm just catching up. This data element table I'm using for Arwafn originates from a module (that I'll call Nachen) that Noddy is the go-to for. 

Anyone wants to know about the Nachen module, they always go to Noddy. They're a dork in lots of ways, but Noddy knows all about Nachen.

Except, this table and its list of data clearly has a good chunk of fail in it and Noddy clearly has no idea why that would be so.

Noddy is even slower than I to realize that this meeting is aimed entirely at them.

"Uh..."

Data is merciless. "What is your procedure for checking up on this data and ensuring that it is up to date?"

Noddy, as ever, pivots: "Well you know this government agency, they are always making errors that I have to remind them about."

"No. Most of these issues are on our side. How do you go about making sure we are current? This list murph was drawing on was from January, eight months ago. How do you go about getting us current?"

Noddy squirms a bit, but Data has set the hook. We write up action items and all of them belong to Noddy.

• Noddy will follow up with Pooka, one of our DB gurus and see about what is involved in getting our table updated.
• Noddy will also look into making sure this is a full and correct list of corrections.

Noddy slinks out and Runner and I exchange looks of 

OOOoooooooohhhh

and

DaaaaAAAAAAaaaammnn!

*     *     *     *

Two days ago - I get an email right after I leave work for the day. Pooka has been fired.

I've seen Pooka get into some regular disagreements with our Devs about coding approaches. Pooka's skillset is databases and not much else. Our Devs do it all. 

Apparently, Portal had put Pooka on notice that their productivity was not what it could be. Pooka had been volunteering for extra work here and there, but I didn't pick up on their anxiety.

The day of our team photo - including Pooka - was the day stuff came to a head.

Pooka was gone.

Sad for them, but I'd trust Portal's call. They are fiercely intelligent and don't put up with slackers.

*     *     *     *

So it's today. Our regular UX team meeting is actually occurring, and that means everyone is there - (well, except Heater). Which means Data and Noddy are in the same room for the first time in about three weeks.

We talk UX turkey - map out how impossible it will be to get all our work done by the end of the quarter and I'm gearing up to ask Sprint to look at my belated prototype-

-And Data speaks up.

"So, Noddy... Do you have anything to report on updating the Arwafn table?"

Noddy turns to the screen and it is instantly clear to everyone that they have completely forgotten the Arwafn table, their action items, the meeting from three weeks ago, hell - their own name.

Noddy is a deer in the headlights.

Then they slide into their usual line of bullcrap - because its a default setting for them.

"Well, I don't have anything new to report. You know how it is getting in touch with government agencies..."

Absolutely no one thinks this to be anything other than crap.

Data leans in. "No. You were to look into getting corrections done to our list. You don't need an outside agency for this."

Noddy starts talking about how they'd spoken to Pooka, how they'd tried to get the government agency to make corrections.

"Again. No. This is about correcting our list."

At this point, I jump in. Pointing out the obvious. "Our list had typos. We need to fix that. There are also some additions that could be duplicates or could be true additions."

Noddy launches into ever more elaborate evasions and Data just keeps pouncing.

"What have you done since murph surfaced this issue? What has been done?"

Noddy refuses to concede the obvious - they've done absolutely nothing. 

We end the meeting. Mostly out of exhaustion. Pinning a bullsh!t artist is a lot of work.

*     *     *     *

Back in our team room, Noddy is trying to make nice. "murph, that list of corrections you had, do you still have that?"

I about hit the roof. I attached a copy of this list to the meeting which is still in Noddy's outlook calendar. The day after the meeting, I emailed them a revised copy of the corrections- along with the meeting notes and their two action items.

They have done nothing with any of this and now they are asking me if I might happen to have a copy.

Without a word. I do an outlook search and instantly find the message I'd sent them. I'm about to send it to them, when Noddy stops me. "Oh, is this it?" they gesture towards their screen.

I walk around to their monitor and see a spreadsheet of mine.

It is a spreadsheet about an entirely different subject matter. It would be easy to think that one spreadsheet might look like another, but this particular one of mine is absolutely, obviously, one that has nothing to do with the Arwafn element table.

I cannot hide my irritation at this point. "No. That is entirely the wrong kind of data. Look at it."

Noddy is trying to look busy and can't even manage a decent attempt. 

The issue I'd found is not a huge deal. The heavens will not fall if it is not corrected. But it absolutely should be corrected, and doing so would not have taken much effort on their part.

Worse than their abject failure to do anything is their attempt to make it seem like they have.

Noddy has utterly besh!tted themselves - yet they are still looking us in the eye and acting like they haven't.

I end up IM'ing Data and telling them about the whiff on the spreadsheet. 

They offer a succinct 'OMG.'

Which is pretty much how the rest of UX is feeling about the situation.

There's messing up, there is completely humiliating yourself-

- and then there's The Full Noddy.

Epic.

The Thrill of the Upgrade

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Restore from backup proceeds anyway

21 minutes later...

Mailbox migration with 2FA
On Laptop, log into Google Account.
Generate app specific password.
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Get told to enter Google authenticator code.
Go to Google authenticator app.
Realize that it it is not configured.

On Laptop, log into Gmail account.
Go to Account Settings.
Go to Security.
Click "Move to another phone."
Select iPhone.

On iPhone - go to Google authenticator.
Click add account.
Click scan barcode.

Back on Laptop, click continue.
Barcode displays.
Use iPhone to scan barcode.
Google Authenticator accepts barcode and displays 6 digit code.
Copy 6 digit code from Google authenticator.
Return to Mailbox, past 6 digit code in.

One Gmail account complete.

Go back to Google account and revoke unneeded app specific password.

Repeat above for each gmail account.

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IT'S LIKE MAGIC.

Reindeer Games

Above a certain level, everything is politics.

I've been a worker bee all of my professional life. Never thought of climbing sunshine mountain and going for a management job. I have a certain "grab the reins" mentality in a number of areas, but true management is (in my opinion) a very specific skill set. One I don't feel I have.

Mostly because I've worked for some truly terrible managers. My last job, the Boss was supremely competent at all kinds of technical things - but they were truly terrible at the people part. The part where they were supposed to, well, manage.

Communication: My old Boss was impossible to reach. When you did get their time, you would pile on every pending thing you had, because God knows when you would see them again. This would take up their full attention and invariably make them late for one of their seemingly endless meetings.

Delegation: When you are a manager, you have staff that does things. You verify that they have done those things, maybe help them when they are stuck - but you don't do your staff's work for them. My old Boss would do this all the time. A problem would arise, the staff would begin handling it - only to discover that the Boss had already started a different approach without telling them.

Doing the Managerial Crap: My last Boss had a problem employee - Moorlock - and this one employee had such a toxic personality that the rest of the department refused to speak to them. Moorlock would routinely fly into a tantrum when tasked with work - announce their intention to find another job, and storm out. As a manager, you just can't let that go. It's probably the worst part of the job, but you have to lean into those things and deal with them. Untold damage was done to the IS department morale and productivity - and my former Boss did nothing.

It's easy to identify bad management, but that in no way convinces me that I would be able to do these things. I think too many times a good employee is rewarded with a management role without an understanding that they will be giving up their former role. It's not "your old job with more pay" it's a totally different job.

Today was UXDir's last day. While I absolutely loved working for them - if I were to be honest, UXDir is a pretty poor manager of staff. They hate the admin stuff with a passion (and I can't blame them) - so they pretty much don't do it. Their communication style is much like my old Boss: if you can get in a room with them, your every question will be answered. But you won't be in the room with them often, so make the most of it when you can.

They also were pretty sub-par on Doing the Managerial Crap. Noddy was exhibits A, B, & C. When I'd first dared to broach the subject of Noddy's lack of productivity - UXDir offered to move Noddy off our project.

This was good for a start, but my expectation had always been that UXDir would circle back and have the necessary conversation with Noddy. To wit: "You need to get off your @ss, pronto." That conversation has clearly never happened - and with UXDir leaving today, it never will.

The lack of follow up has created some very high-school like moments over the past few months. Runner, Sprint and I - freed from the obligation to invite Noddy to our project meetings, have pointedly not invited them. For a short time, this could be justified as Noddy had their project (whatever it was) and we had ours. But Noddy is no fool, and started asking us "is there a meeting? Can I come?" which creates a truly awkward situation.  Yes, we're meeting, but...

My inviting Noddy to our client interviews nearly had Runner throttling me, but was a direct result of this awkwardness. I couldn't look Noddy in the eye and say they shouldn't be in our interviews - because they should be. Any UXer in the company should be welcome to sit and listen in. Learning directly from our clients. The entire team can benefit from a common understanding of what our clients want. Right?  Except Noddy ignores decorum, common sense, and basic decency to the point where their fellow team members want to hurl them bodily out of the room.

So we begin scheduling even client interviews without Noddy. It's a professional shunning, tacitly encouraged by management. And it is juvenile.

If Runner and I have a meeting with Sprint, we will say nothing in our team room - then slip out of the room one at a time.  We book meetings in the far end of the building. Partially because the far rooms have natural light - but in no small measure because we are less likely to have Noddy walk in on us. Are we meeting? Can I come...?

UXDir has let this go on without any visible involvement. They may have admonished Noddy to stay out of our interviews, but that is not solving anything. Avoiding direct conflict has merely caused low level conflict on a daily basis. No, I won't invite Noddy - because the boss said I don't have to.

I can only imagine what Noddy is thinking. They must know that there are project meetings they are not involved in. They can see their team mates regularly going off to work on things without them. Noddy absolutely frustrates me to work with, but I genuinely have sympathy for them. This situation should be sorted out in broad daylight.

I would imagine a manager would schedule a meeting with Noddy and spell it out for them. "Look, your productivity is less than half that of any of your co-workers. You need to produce actual work product. You are letting your teammates down."

Noddy's lack of social graces could be forgiven if they would only do their job. If they were laying down quality work on a regular basis - a lot of my frustrations with them would go away.

But nothing was done.

And not that a manager should ignore Noddy's lack of professionalism - sleeping in meetings, playing with their phone during meetings, and generally showing a lack of interest in things that are absolutely their concern.

And nothing was done.

Which sounds like I'm just slagging on the UXDir - and that's not fair. UXDir is one of the most inspiring people I've worked for. I've never worked for someone who encouraged us to try things, even if we fail. "Failing means you learned something, right?"

And UXDir is a master of slashing through the BS in a discussion. "Why are we discussing this problem? This is the wrong problem to solve!"

I truly suck at that - I go down rabbit holes all the time, utterly missing the fact that the real problem is right in front of me. I wish I was even half as good as UXDir at identifying the root problem.

UXDir is excited about making good software. "This'll be awesome!" and off they go into another charge. I don't know how many scraps they go into trying to improve our product, but I know they didn't shy away from them. Not until the end, at least.

UXDir said they were pretty burned out at the end. Fighting against the ubiquitous faction of more-of-the-same. Give us more of what we already have! Never mind the obvious problems that our clients are always complaining about. 

Change is hard, asking for investment in the unknown is even harder. Part of UXDir's job is to press for these things - and endure all the pushback.

UXDir has done that - and they are worn out. Long years at NerdHaven have earned them a lot of respect - but they've made more than a few professional adversaries. I'd slowly started to appreciate this - the stray comment here and there - and I could see that all was not sweetness and light at that altitude.

Which is probably the very worst part of a management job. Office politics. Butting heads against your co-workers turns into not getting invited to meetings with them. Decisions get made without you and soon you wonder what you have to do to get "in the room."

What the UX team has been doing to Noddy - NerdHaven's management team has been doing to UXDir. Awhile ago, UXDir basically volunteered to leave on the eve of a minor re-org. "Look, if you're looking to make changes - you can write me out of the equation at the same time. I just need a severance package." NerdHaven didn't want to do the severance, so UXDir stayed on - but started looking for work.

A little over a month ago, they found it - on the West Coast, not far from NerdHaven's other office, where Sprint works.

So now they are going.

I got called into Portal's office the other day, to catch up on things. Really, Portal is checking in with me on how things are going on my team. I suspect that Portal is working an angle, but not in a malicious way. Portal wants another source of information on things, I'm happy to be that.

I'm flattered by the attention: Portal wants to see me! And Portal is a great source of information about the wider world of NerdHaven. Our discussions so far have involved Portal saying they've heard good things about my work (score!) and me telling Portal how utterly useless Noddy is.

I get to vent, Portal gets the inside skinny on how things are going. Win-win.

This time, Portal is re-assuring me that UXDir's departure does not mean NerdHaven is shifting its focus away from UX. They then detail a number of items that UXDir could have done better. They are professional about it - and say things I'd agree with - and they point out that whatever could have been done about Noddy in the past, it clearly has not been done. Which means the new UXDir will start from zero with Noddy. The good news is, the new UXDir will be part of a managerial food chain that now involves people who will do something about poor performers.

They ask me if I think anyone on the team will want to apply for UXDir's job. I know of no one who wants to, but I mention Sprint as a possibility. They are the most senior UXer, a rockstar on the team and everyone respects them.

I also mention my anxiety that Noddy will apply for the job. Portal all but assures me that will not happen. So long as the decision is made by folks within NerdHaven, Noddy would be a fool to try. Noddy is neither liked, nor respected by anyone at NerdHaven.

Shortly after talking with Portal - I get an email on my phone. It's from Suit, a NerdHaven manager I joke around with in the breakroom from time to time. I'd heard from them a lot in the past few weeks - asking about some of the Arwafn features - or how we track things in our project - and I'd tried my best to be helpful.

Suit was pleased by the info and I was glad to know something I did in our tracking software was actually useful to someone.

But an email from them on my phone meant they were emailing me personally.

I opened the email - it's from Suit's LinkedIn account:

You may have heard that UXDir is ending a 14 year career with NerdHaven. As they start a new career on the West Coast, many of us find it a sad moment indeed. 

But for those who remain with NerdHaven, we must press on. The search for a new Director of User Experience will soon be underway. I will be applying for the position, as I see a clear and natural fit with my skill set, an incredible desire to translate client needs into reality, and vast experience in user-centric design over the years.  

But I need your help! I'd like to show Atlas a long list of people who took the time to recommend me. I know not everyone will be willing - and I certainly do not want any reluctant recommendations! But - If you feel strongly about our positive interactions or have stories to share, I would greatly appreciate your support in this.  

If you do decide to recommend me and would like additional information, please let me know. My LinkedIn profile is up to date but I can also provide a more detailed resume, examples of project work, etc.

I'm meeting with Sprint via teleconference and they point out Data got the exact same message from Suit.

As soon as I got the message, I knew I couldn't recommend Suit to anyone for the UXDir job. Not because I think they are unqualified, but because I literally know nothing about them professionally. I know they are a manager of some sort, but I have no idea if they are good at it. And I have no idea if they've ever done UX work.

Sprint knows more than I do: Suit is a manager who doesn't manage people. They used to, but don't anymore - but they are still a manager. Also in a company where the highest ranking person comes to work in ratty Tee shirts, Suit is the only person in the office to dress formally.

According to Sprint, the day after Suit became a manager, they started dressing formally.

Suit is a climber. And they are blanketing their chosen allies in the company with requests for endorsements. On LinkedIn, no less. Where bullsh!t goes to strut.

After my meeting, I head directly to Suit's office and close the door. I make it clear that I believe recommendations should come from firsthand experience. As I have none with Suit, I cannot recommend them. I make it clear, I'm not trying to offend them, I just want them to hear from me why they won't be seeing a recommendation appear on their profile. I just don't know them.

Although now I know a bit more about them.

Suit is unfazed. They suggest writing a "nice to work with" type of recommendation and they will put it "after all the other recommendations that address their skill sets."

I make my exit.

I'm IM-ing Runner about possible fallout from a new UXDir, Runner IM's back:

There's another internal candidate.

Apparently, UXDir let it slip that there are two internal candidates for the job.

Runner and I go through a list of suspects, but aside from the laughable suggestion of Noddy, we have no clear suspects. There are a lot of people we don't know, so it could be anybody.

Today's UXDir's last day, and there will be a happy hour. Runner and I plot to get UXDir hammered and ply them for more details.

I know, but this is kind of a big deal - we want the info and we want it yesterday.

Two hours to happy hour - Runner and I go into our estimation meeting. This is kind of an all hands thing - but Noddy's not coming. Which makes sense, since none of the work they are doing is part of this project. Which never stopped them from coming before - but now they are spending a lot of time slogging into a side project. Something that is below the 12 priority on our work list, yet commands Noddy's full attention these days.

I asked Noddy to give me the run down of where they were at yesterday and it took all of 30 minutes for me to realize that their current project is an utter waste of time.

Between sessions of turd-polishing I've seen them reading manuals on Agile and viewing webinars on "Making change happen."

Ugh, so useless.

Post estimation I get pulled into a room with Portal.

Portal's delivery is as rapid-fire as ever:

"Noddy's expressed an interest in the UXDir job and we've decided to give it to them."

*     *     *     *

Two things you need to know about Portal:

1) They are the person who is usually tapped by management to deliver the bad news;
2) They are, often as not, a firehose of bullsh!t

Portal laughs at my expression of total horror and says, "Just kidding, I'm garbage. But I'm not kidding about Noddy expressing interest. Never gonna happen, though."

I make it plain that Noddy's ascension to management would push me out the door.

Portal shifts gears and starts talking about getting me a visit to our West Coast office.

And boom, back in the team room.

And then happy hour.

Noddy shows up, same time as me. I can barely believe they want to be UXDir. It's the smart play - and Noddy is all about tactical. The UXDir position will be situated in our office, which means Sprint and Data are out. Heater doesn't want it - they want the future UXDir to be a "servant leader" - but they are no way going to try. Runner and I are both Noobs - and while...

Yes, I have thought about it, but only because I was afraid Noddy would have a greater chance than an external candidate. I would try for it - only as a counter to Noddy being on the inside track.

But really, I've never seriously considered it.
Because I'm on record as saying the new UXDIR should have proven management chops.
I don't have them, so if I think they are necessary, I rather have to exclude myself.
Also, because Sprint is senior to me - and is a wonderful take-charge kind of person. If anyone on our team should move up, it should be them.
It would hurt the dynamics of our team as well. I get along great with Runner and Sprint - but if I was the person who graded their performance each year?  That would suck.

Above all, though- I really enjoy doing the work I do now. Shifting to the management track would mean I wouldn't get to do that anymore. And that would epically suck.

Noddy is their usual insufferable self. Runner's chatting it up with Rollout - deep into topics that would have HR in cardiac arrest. UXDir's there, seemingly at ease. We cut up with them and threaten them if they try to recruit Sprint to work for them in their new job.

Atlas is there, paying for the tab and being the great person they usually are. They've worked with UXDir for well over a decade. They've been on the road every day this month - and are literally in town just long enough to say goodbye - before climbing back on the plane to disappear for almost the rest of the month. I think they will be back in town for two days in all of September. Atlas has children. They run NerdHaven. And they are the interim boss of UX until we hire a replacement.

They look tired. I'm usually intimidated by upper management. But Atlas is always approachable. Atlas will be making the call on the new UXDir.

They will protect us from ineptitude and corporate climbers. Bank on it.

UXDir makes their exit and I just feel ill. Despite their shortcomings in some areas, I cannot imagine this job without them. I barely knew them, but I will miss them terribly. UXDir was hands off and still supportive. They were inspiring.

*     *     *     *

After Noddy departs, I share the news that Noddy is trying for UXDir. BigDog is immediately dismissive of any chance of that happening. Runner nearly spits out their drink.

"Noddy's been reading all those Agile books, stuff on project management!"

We all agree, there is no chance Noddy will get the job. It just cannot happen in a just world.

I'm halfway home when I get a text from Runner:

This is terrible but look at Suit's linked in profile. You will not believe it.

I do.

And I don't.

Suit has changed their position title to include the same job title Runner and I have. They've added Project Manager, as well.

Again, I don't know Suit's UX chops, but I know their current role does not include UX.

They've also stocked their profile with the words "Servant leader."

Christ, Heater... why would you back this guy?

We've got probably three months before we fill the position - if we're lucky. The two internal candidates are biblically awful - which means the UX team will be Atlas's problem for months.

Atlas won't have much time for us - which means Noddy will run wild. We will continue the status quo - leaving Noddy to their (non) work and beating our own projects into shape.

I will continue to hope that Noddy will snap out of it, or that management will do it for them.

But for the rest of 2014, UX is on their own.

Its a rather hollow feeling.