Mail goes into three categories:
- Crap - 80% (Bin it)
- Bill - 19% (Groan and bring inside)
- Actual communication from a human being I want to hear from - 1% (Dance around while choirs of angels part the clouds with song)
This crap-to-content ratio is one of the many reasons I've been ignoring my cable, Internet and phone service options. I just don't want to read it.
IMPORTANT INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR...
*Binned*
FOR OUR VALUED CUSTOMER-
*Binned*
YOU MAY BE PAYING TOO MUCH FOR-
*Binned*
This is where communication has sunk to - at least where it comes to cable & telecom.
I don't believe them. At all.
So, they - like the quintessential American abroad - just talk louder.
I've gotten full color 8x11 envelopes chock full of glossy pictures of happy people posing in front of electronic devices. Yea! We love our faceless utility provider of choice! They are far superior to all others!
I've gotten envelopes disguised as hand-written notes. "From a Friend at AT&T."
I have no friends at AT&T.
I get phony credit cards promising me savings. Postcards, fold out brochures.
*Binned*
Because every time I think about changing cable and phone service I just want to hit someone. It's a can of freaking worms and getting the truth out of a piece of telco marketing material is only slightly more impossible than reaching an intelligent and informed human being at said telco.
No, it bloody well isn't. Neither is providing accurate pricing information in written form. Thirty full-color pages of fluff, but not a jot about what additional fees come standard with your order.
With EVERY order.
"Well, that would change by region."
Yes, I'm sure it would. And when it changed, you could print it out and include it in your materials, no? Whassa matter? Printer no workey when it's not printing out craptacular, fact-free brochures?
You may have noticed, I'm a little irritated. But then, AT&T and I have a long history of pain together.
The other day, AT&T did something that caught me off guard: they sent a human being to my door.
Which is ten times more annoying than sending me mail or calling my house.
But you can't bin a human being - and it's ever so much harder to hang up on them.
AT&T person was a big, young man - chock full of pat lines and zingers to establish a rapport with me.
I opted for the direct route. "What does it cost? Choice of services is all about money."
Which is true. I've been on DSL for an embarrassingly long time - so there is no level of Internet that isn't superior to mine.
He rattles off a combined rate for cable/Internet/phone (the unholy trinity) for $115 dollars a month. And you just have to swear to pay that for two years.
Free Installation!
But you have to use our gateway device (and rent it forever - the fee's included)
And you get a DVR (free!)
And we'll give you a $150 gift card!
And...!
*Sigh*
I take the man's name and info and send him on his way. Because there is no way to have this conversation without doing battle with the beast. There are too many ways for a telco/cableco to screw their customer. Teaser rates, varying speeds, expanded basic, 200 channels, 300 channels. You almost never end up with apples to apples.
Sidebar: I went to their channel listing to see about the difference between the 200 channel package and the 300 channel package.
The U200 has 275 channels
- 3 are described as applications (Apps on TV, not really a channel)
- 16 Childrens channels
- 10 International channels
- 58 Music channels
- 24 Operating System (by this, I mean things like messages and "how to use your DVR")
- 10 Religious channels
- 2 Scenery channels
- 8 Schedule channels (what is playing on your 'actual' channels)
- 34 Shopping channels
This adds up to- 165 CRAP Channels
in other words,- 60% of the U200 package is CRAP
The U300 has 339 channels:
Now, don't get me wrong - I've got nothing against religion, but the one thing you can say that holds true across all religions: they don't make good TV.
- 3 Application 'channels'
- 19 Childrens channels
- 14 International channels
- 67 Music channels
- 24 Operating System channels
- 10 Religious channels
- 2 Scenery channels
- 8 Schedule channels
- 34 Shopping channels
This adds up to
- 181 CRAP channels
in other words,- 53% of the U300 package is CRAP
Likewise children's channels. Most are some cartoon re-run death spiral, or Disney farm league. I won't watch them & I won't let them melt my kids brains.
And while 'international' would seem unfairly classified as crap, a channel broadcast entirely in Spanish is not really a channel I'm going to get a lot of value out of. Sure, if there's a good soccer match on Univision - I'd watch it - but most of the games I'd watch will be on other channels in English.
Hundreds of channels! Quothe the brochure... But really - 34 freaking shopping channels? 8 channels that just tell you what's on? 67 channels devoted to music?
The U300 has movie channels - that and 7% less crap as a percentage is the selling point. Although that's before you factor in that the U300 contains utter throwaway channels like CNBC World.
I want you to picture the person who ups their cable package to get CNBC World.
<Barf sound>.I digress...
In my head, I was spending about $26 a month for my landline and about $30 a month on DSL.
I knew cable was around $70 a month and on top of that - we were paying for TiVO at $12.95 a month.
So. $26 + $30 + $70 + $12.95 = $138.95
However. I've been tracking my household bills using Google Drive for awhile now and had just re-itemized things, so I could get an accurate comparison without having to dig out bills by month. Everything was already in my spreadsheets.
Turns out I was actually paying $34 for my landline per month.
My Internet was actually $38 a month.
My cable was $74.59 a month.
TiVo was correct at $12.95 a month.
So, I'm paying about $160 a month for phone / Internet / cable.
Out of sight, out of mind. They hook you up to their services with a bang, and then slowly ratchet up the rate. Over time, you only remember what it used to cost.
A few other things jumped out at me from this quick check:
My landline costs $28 a month, but the fees and taxes bump it up to $34. That's almost a 20% increase. They can say my base rate stayed the same, but I end up paying more because some "fees" increased over time.
*sigh*
My cable company charged 15% over the base rates for their taxes and "fees" and only TiVO charged me the listed price and nothing else.
Assuming a similar fee spread on this new rate, I'd end up with a monthly bill of about $128 a month. I'd get more channels, and way faster Internet.
*sigh*
This should be happy news, but these things are never seamless.
I'll lose my recorded DVR content from TiVO.
I'm not convinced my rotary phone will continue to work (despite the assurances from the AT&T guy).
I love my wireless router - can I keep it? AT&T guy didn't know.
And there's a history of last minute surprises when it comes to installs. My last cable guy showed up with a cable converter (that they would rent to me) despite my being promised I didn't need one and wouldn't get one.
Pay less for more, and all I can think is "How is this going to go south?"
This is the state of the modern broadband consumer. Unswerving fatalism.
AT&T guy returns later on and offers me an even better deal (oooh! tell us, do!) He'll offer me $110 a month and throw in an additional $25 gift card.
The gift card is meh, but lowering a monthly rate is actual money. I've wanted to fire my cable company for awhile and - yes - I actually agree to this foolishness.
The sign up procedure (with a rep in my house) involves forms in triplicate and calling the AT&T mothership because - HEAVEN FORBID - you have an interaction with AT&T that isn't "recorded for quality purposes."
I get some guy with a lisp who asks if he wants him to repeat my agreed on rate or do I want the guy in my kitchen to do it.
Memo to AT&T: this is an inhuman question, completely severed from any norms of communication. Any thinking person is going to respond with "What the hell are you talking about?"
As a UX guy, I just have to ask: Why is this step necessary? Surely someone will tell me the price, and it will be the same as before, right?
But trust is absent from this process. I'm being recorded, lest I sue and claim fraud later - and so I ask the guy on the phone to repeat the price, reasoning that it will be recorded (on their tape, to which I will have no access - ever) and then they mention the activation fee.
It's $49.
This is the first time anyone has ever mentioned the existence of such a fee. I repeatedly grilled the AT&T guy in my kitchen about installation fees and what would and would not be covered by my free installation. I was repeatedly assured that there would be no charge for my installation.
At no time did this person mention that there would be an activation fee.
Because, why would you, really? I mean there must be dozens of people who asked for equipment to be installed but not activated, right?
Why are we even talking about this?
AT&T guy gets my whatTheF*#@AreYouTalkingAbout vibe pretty quick and he swiftly tacks into "but since I said your installation would be free, here's a rebate form that you can give the installer that will totally offset the activation fee."
Yes, because a future handoff of paperwork to a man I've not met, for the promise of a six week delivery of a $50 rebate is almost the same thing as an up front payment of $49.95 to AT&T on my next bill.
AT&T? This is one of the many reasons people hate you so much. Because nothing feels above board with you. Of course you could have mentioned this earlier, but you chose not to.
Of course you could have made "free installation" be exactly what it sounded like, but you chose not to.
At some undetermined time in the future, I'm going to get a postcard, or similarly innocuous piece of "please-throw-me-away" mail that will actually contain my $150 gift card. If I (or another member of my family) throw it away by accident - well, TOO BAD.
The additional $25 gift card "sweetener" will arrive (or not) the same way.
And the $50 rebate will do the same.
Assuming the installer takes my paperwork and doesn't lose it.
Is there a way to check on the status of these things? Who the hell knows?
Multiple chances to NOT get what I've been promised by AT&T guy. Even if everything goes well, I get to be on tenterhooks (make sure I have copies, checking the mail daily) so I get something you could have simply credited to my account.
YES - I know these rebates are from other companies, but roll it up and make it happen for the customer, already. Why does the customer have to be part of this process?
-because that way less people actually get what we promise them.
Yes, I know that - but how is that advancing your brand?
AT&T: Watch us like hawks, and things just might work out.
It's always like this with you guys. ALWAYS.
When all is said and done, I'm going to be hooked up to AT&T for another two years and I will actually be saving money from what I used to pay. But you've managed to turn that into a total annoyance fest anyway.
Arrgh!
Postscript:
What actually prompted this post was my calling my current cable company to tell them to end my service.
Because I hate calling them, I'd tried to use their website to end service - but (naturally) their site doesn't support that.
Calling them put me into the hold queue and they asked me to key in my account number. Which I don't know. Not to worry, I could key in the phone number on the account. I have 4 phone numbers and have no idea which they have on my account. There is no menu item for this.
I stay on the line until they route me to a human being (after a five minute wait). I'm asked my name and my account number. I give them my name and tell them I don't have my account number.
For some reason, this stymies them and so (I wish I was kidding) I return to their website while they wait and I log in to get my account number. Then I read it out to them and they say - thanks - I'll transfer you to services.
Before I can yell at them, I'm on hold again.
The next human I get asks for my name.
PRO TIP: Once a customer has authenticated, they shouldn't have to again.
So I give them my name and they (wonder of wonders!) look up my account with just that info.
When I tell them that I'm discontinuing service - the questions begin. "Why are you leaving?" "Who are you going with?" "Have you seen our latest offerings?"
Okay, cable guys: By the time the customer has called you to cut off service - THE INK IS DRY on a contract making them financially obligated to some other firm. There is no saving this account.
But no, cable guy tries to win me back until I finally lose my temper and tell him that the decision is made. End of story.
I repeat myself "I need my service to end as of this date. Are we done?"
Cable guy seems miffed, "I just need you to hang on while I..."
Once again, this is another pet peeve of mine: I've authenticated and told the rep what I want. Why do I need to "hang on" while this drone types my request into their system?
End my service. Email me (using the address you have on file) when it's done. *click*
Cable guy tells me that if I hang up, he'll just get another call and won't be able to process my request.
Because that makes sense. To him. And no one else.
I tell him I'll wait but that I don't need to hear any sales talk. He puts me on hold until he's done.
There. Unpleasant for everyone. Success.
A few minutes of hold later. I'm done with cable.
TiVO's website also doesn't have a cancel service option (no surprise). What is surprising is that calling them puts me on hold for ten minutes.
When I finally get through, I get the same "Why are you leaving?" pleas, but Mr. TiVO is decent enough to let it go when I say that I've signed a contract with another company.
Boom. Done.
And I'm on rails with AT&T for the next two years.
And if I bail out early, they can charge me $180.
Do you see this, world??? This is me winning.
(Now why don't people re-evaluate their cable / phone / internet providers more often? I wonder...)
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