FU Sarah!

A co-worker of mine is having what I can only describe as a hellish month.

It began with attending a memorial service for an associate who was killed in Mumbai. It then escalated to their own father dying a few days ago.This morning their spouse was laid off.

I have no perspective to offer on any of these events. My heart goes out to them - and then I run out of things to say. Events like those... I mean - what can be said?

So I'll restrict myself to a truly minor item that served as a chaser for their lousy December: A biblically bad customer experience they just had with PayPal. 

The situation is this. My co-worker is wrapping up their father's online presence and one part of it is a PayPal account. Having logged in as their father - they had been unable to find an option to delete the account.

So they went to a customer support chat session with something called Sarah:

(Now, what follows is plenty bad - but picture the mindset of this person as they begin this task.)

Sarah - PayPal :
Hello, I'm Sarah and I'm here to answer your questions about PayPal. Even though I'd like to be a real person, I'm not. I'm programmed to answer your questions. How can I help you?

You :
I am logged in as my father who died [on this date] I would like to close the PayPal account that is in his name.

Sarah - PayPal :
Sorry, but your phrase is too long and I will not be able to perform a full analysis. I would be very grateful if you could try to make it a bit shorter and more concise.

You :
I died and would like to close this account.

Sarah - PayPal :
I recommend you speak to a real person about it as soon as possible.

You :
How can I contact a real person?

Sarah - PayPal :
Even though I'd like to be a real person, I'm not. I'm programmed to help you with basic customer care issues.

You :
What is a phone number I can call?

Sarah - PayPal :
I'm not sure I've understood. Could you please rephrase your question? I apologize if you can't find the information you seek by speaking with me. Please enter a new question, visit the Help Center or Contact Us.

[Chat ends]

----------------

Just as an FYI - the Help Center contains no link that mentions closing an account - and the most prominent item on the Contact Us page is another link to Sarah.

Yes, it is possible to get a phone number by clicking the Call us link at the bottom of the page, but if you are not logged in it takes you to a log in screen. Really though - what bot can't respond to "Please give me a phone number" ??

Because of my ready access to bureaucratic culture - I can give a fair description of how this non-response came about.

CorpType 1: And if it asks for a phone number, which number do we give them?

CorpType 2: None.

CorpType 1: None??!

CorpType 2: None. Because there are any number of numbers they might have to dial. Could be billing, could be security, could be any of our myriad subdivisions. We don't want to route them to the wrong number.

CorpType 1:  Can't our subdivisions transfer people to the right place if they did?

CorpType 2: No, why do you think we're building a chat module?

CorpType 1: Shouldn't we do something about our phone systems?

CorpType 2:  That's someone else's project. Besides, it would probably cost too much.

What I especially like is when you attempt to exit the chat, you are given this:

Sarah - PayPal :
I've just opened the right page for you.

Before we continue, was this helpful?
Yes
No

*Click 'no'*

You :
No

Sarah - PayPal :
I may not have understood your question. Can you rephrase it? Anything else I can do to help you?

---

You know what you can do for me? You can develop a security flaw that causes the downfall of the company that deployed you.
That's what you can do for me.

Look - It's bad enough the modern world has given us outsourced call centers

Thanking you for your patience. How am I helping you?

IVR systems:

Listen...to...all...seventeen...options...before...making...your...selection.

 but now we've reached the point where companies expect us to talk to a script-bot?

Memo to the corporate world: If you are not a human being, you should not pretend to be. If you are conversational, your users will expect to converse. If your script cannot handle conversation - people will just get pissed off.

More to the point, if you have a contact us page without a phone number - you tell me you'd rather I speak to a bot.