Peanuts

Change is hard. This is a mantra of my profession. People don't like new things. Rather, people don't like to have new things thrust upon them. If I choose to try something new, I'll stick with it - even if my choice is bad - because it was my choice. But make me change - I'll start resenting it before it happens.

Since I only have time to focus on a few things in a given day I prefer the overwhelming majority of my environment to stay the same.

Fortunately, big changes in life don't come along that often.

Well - one just came along.

Having resigned ourselves to putting our children in daycare, E and I were very fortunate to find one we genuinely loved. Aside from providing a great environment and investing in our kids - our day care's biggest strength has been its teachers.

The first two teachers to get our attention there were a mother and daughter, BB and YY. Both of them amazed us with their dedication, creativity and (frankly) their affection for our kids. Day care is one of those things you have a hard time feeling good about. I always think of that line from Black 47:

Me little dears, dry up your tears - your parents are too busy making money.

Especially early on - watching your kids cry and reach for you while you walk away and leave them there...

I mean, you feel like a criminal.

Daddy!! Daddy!!

The rational part of your brain says they'll be fine in five minutes - but there will be a part of your mind that will never forgive you for leaving them.

Having really excellent teachers made that ritualized abandonment a lot easier. They would tell you how your kids were playing with their freinds right after you left, that they'd had a great day. These are things you need to hear. And it was great to have people who made a point of telling you.

The next time, you'd be able to say: I'm leaving my kids with great people. This is good for them.

And it is.

YY was the teacher in the baby room - and she watched over both our kids until they were toddlers - something I'm profoundly greatful for. I learned an awful lot about parenting from YY - she gave us advice on getting my son to bed, how to let him learn by trying (and failing) to do things - and basically just reassure me that what was happening with my kids wasn't unique - it was just kid's growing up.

One of the stand out moments I had with YY:

I'm picking up the boy and he has a full-on meltdown. Fall to the ground, screaming hissy fit - and I've no idea how to even begin to deal with him. I try reasoning with him, bribing him, guiding him towards the car - nothing is working. Finally, I just grab him and go. YY's there and picks up all the clothing items the boy's cast off, and walks with me all the way to the car.

At the car, the boy's no better off, I have to physically pin him to the seat and strap him in. All the while he's crying and shrieking at me to the point where I'm convinced YY's thinking of calling family services.

She doesn't. She gives me the boy's things and says "You did that exactly right. Sometimes nothing works - so all you can do is remain calm and do your best."

To have some validation while you're in the depths of parental doubt is priceless beyond measure. Coming from someone who is a professional, it's like a weight is lifted off your shoulders.

And before I go too off track here - what I did right or wrong was irrelevant. My point is what YY did. She took the time to reassure me after I'd gotten the boy strapped in. Plenty of teachers would have said "Rough day. See ya" or just left. Some wouldn't have walked with me at all. YY saw a kid and their parent in a rough spot and chose to help both of them.

By now, people have noticed I keep talking in the past tense - so I'll cut to the obvious point. YY has left our day care.

She'd had her own child not too long ago and was caring for them on the job in what seemed to be an ideal arrangement. Work and spend time with your baby. After some time YY discovered their baby had a peanut allergy. For reasons that defy my understanding - the yard around our day care is littered with peanut shells - and peanut allergies are not something you take risks with.

I certainly don't know what discussions took place - but it was clear YY's child faced an unacceptable level of risk at our day care.

So YY left. A major upheval at our day care - and a terrible loss. By all accounts she and her daughter are doing well. I'm really happy that she can still pursue a career in child care and take care of her child as well.

BB, YY's mother, wasn't sure if she'd leave when YY left. I certainly couldn't blame her. I mean, if you could spend time with your family doing work you all enjoyed - I mean, why not?

(My family - there would be blood - but BB and YY genuinely seem to enjoy each other. *grin*)

My son had moved into BB's class and just adores her. Days when BB wasn't going to be at school, my son would brood and say "I don't like school" but really we knew - he just missed BB. Watching BB work, you can see why YY is such a great teacher. Serene, patient and able to redirect him towards something productive with just the merest suggestion.

The boy tells me all kinds of things he learned from BB at school. It's gotten to the point where he'll take off his shoes and run into her classroom without even saying goodbye. I'm left there waving to empty air, because he's off to have some fun with BB.

BB introduced us to the 1-2-3 method, which (I kid you not) revolutionized discipline in our house. I never get enough time to chat with BB in the mornings (drop offs are usually just insane) but she never tires of sharing her latest favorite anecdote about our boy. When you miss most of your child's day - stuff like that is priceless. BB is sharing for the best of reasons, because she enjoys the stories.

Years ago, the entire day care went on a field trip and BB was like a paparatzo, following around my boy and snapping pictures. She gave them to us and they're still some of my favorite pictures of him. How many teachers do that? Someone with real joy in their work.

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So lately, it's becoming clear that the pull to leave our day care is getting too strong for BB. I'm not privy to all the reasons, but I've sensed her joy has more than a touch of weariness in it. She still sends out lovely accounts of our child's day - and always has a smile for the kids.

But it's clear that something has changed. I don't know and I don't need to know all of what went into her decision, but she will be leaving our day care in a week and a half.

We're so fond of her, the boy especially - he's had discussions of how he wanted to bring her along when he went to kindergarten. He was all worked up when I told him she wouldn't be able to come.

I watch him eagerly run into BB's classroom these days and I just feel awful.
There's that part of the brain again - swimming upstream - telling me that this will be good for him. He's a kid, he's resilient. But that other part is the stronger current: He's such a sensitive boy. Like his dad, he spends a lot of time thinking things over.

And just like me - he doesn't like what he loves to change.

Our day care still has great teachers - BB's classroom will be taken over by a truly remarkably lady (she who introduced me to pounding nails into pumpkins as a recreational activity).

But BB will go - and the boy will not understand. And telling him how small things can lead to big changes will not help him