The Soccer Gods are A$$holes

Hubris is... heckling in a language you do not speak.

[Spoilers abound... but since it's the Confederations cup, I didn't bother with blackout text.]

Let's recap my prior pronouncements on the future of the FIFA Confederations Cup, shall we?

...we're in a tough group - facing the likes of Brazil and Italy. No sleight against Egypt, but well - they suck.

Top two will make it out and - let's be fair - odds are it won't be us. Brazil and Italy will mop the floor with Egypt and it's not like we're a massive obstacle.

Naturally, Egypt then proceeded to beat world champions Italy 1-0.

Then, I took pains to illustrate the impossible scenario of the USA making it to the next round:

...our [goal] differential is -5...

So, sure, Brazil could beat Italy by three goals, dropping them to -2, and we could crush Egypt by three goals, boosting us to -2. This would leave us tied on points, but (assuming Italy scored no goals at all) we’d be ahead on total goals scored.

But we know that’s never gonna happen.

Allow me to present the following information:

Scoreline - June 21, 2009
Italy: 0
Brazil: 3
Fabiano 37', 43'; Dossena 45' (O.G.)

and

Scoreline - June 21, 2009
Egypt: 0
USA: 3
Davies 21'; Bradley 63', Dempsey 71'

That's the US finishing 2nd in group B. You have just GOT to be sh!tting me here.

I'd lay good odds the US support crew spent a good part of this evening unpacking gear that had been sitting on charter jet since kickoff.

With my predictive track record firmly established - I would like to go on record as saying the following:

1. The US CANNOT win against Spain in the next round.
2. Also, I will never win the lottery.
3. Further, I will never have a previously unknown, obscenely wealthy relative die and leave me their private jet stocked with World Cup tickets.

I mean what the freaking hell?? Our exact scenario for victory plays out - and I get to watch it happen? That's just insane.

That's just too cruel... I mean, I only bothered watching the Italy/Brazil match because as soon as Italy scored I knew the US would be going home. I figured I'd save some time and get to watch some real talent for a change.

Then all hell breaks loose. Suddenly Italy's scoring on themselves and the US is two up, then three up and I'm watching the US try their hardest to let Egypt score in the last three TORTUROUS minutes.

And they don't!

When the soccer gods really want to d!ck with you, they simply REFUSE to d!ck with you. It's beyond savage. I spent the entire game killing all traces of hope - and then they win?? And advance??

That's just sick, I don't care how you look at it.

I'm still expecting a global alien invasion to screw this up. I've been burned way too many times.

Nice one, Dempsey... if you're going to break a

scoring drought, you might as well do it with style.