Oh the humanity…

One of the more foolish sports traditions has been the quadrennial attempt to read the future of a particular World Cup based on the first match. As the first match goes, so goes the tournament. Sports promoters cross their fingers at kickoff, hoping for a quality match. Each team’s nationalists brace for prophetic signs hidden in the scoreline.

Well, the Women’s World Cup kicked off today with German vs. Argentina. If the first match is any kind of oracle, the tournament will do well, Argentina is about to fall into the sea, and everyone should begin learning to speak German – right Goddamned now.

Scoreline - September 10, 2007
Argentina: 0
Germany: 11
Garefrekes 17'; Behringer 24'; Prinz 29', 46'+, 59'; Lingor 51'; Smisek 57', 70', 79';
Correa 12' OG, 91' OG

Argentina was always going to be the underdog, but DEAR GOD, what an unrelenting rout. It will be pointed out that mismatches like this one can only occur this far into a World Cup because the women’s game is still maturing, but even so – sometimes a rout is great entertainment.

On second thought, rout doesn’t seem to be the right word. This American Life did a marvelous show about what this game actually was: a fiasco.

A fiasco is when things are going so badly that all sympathy has left the audience. Your average 4-nil drubbing in soccer will leave even the winning fans a bit somber. “Hate to be them,” they say. Not so the audience of a fiasco. They have seen losses before, even big losses – but once they realize what they're seeing could go down in history, they'll bay like hyenas.

To paraphrase Jack Hitt – at that point, they want blood.

The commentators were charitable, far too charitable, to the Argies – who began playing a dainty kind of quick passing game and soaked up a good bit of early possession. Germany was still trying to find themselves, like they were saying…”Hmm, who are we?”

This lasted between 6 and 8 minutes. At that point, some switch was tripped in the German team’s collective mind that informed them –

You are a collection of two-meter Teutonic women with killer instincts, gobs of technical skill, and the endurance of a herd of Clydesdales.

“Oh, that’s right!” they say – and proceed to plow over Argentina like they were the 1990 US mens team.

After the first goal, they combined to average one goal every seven minutes.

If you read that scoreline, you’ll note that the first goal wasn’t scored by a German. No, that honor goes to Vanina Correa of Argentina. She's their goalkeeper.

It’s a rare goalkeeper who scores a goal. It’s an even rarer goalkeeper who scores a goal for the opposition –

but Ms. Correa now has the singular honor of being the only goalkeeper to have scored not one, but TWO own goals in a World Cup match.

This was to be one of numerous records set in this game. Highest score, first World Cup match with two hat-tricks on the same team. Prinz tying Michelle Akers' scoring record (not even God can stop Prinz from beating it this tournament).

The after action reports will be all over Correa, but she had plenty of help. Her defenders were worse than useless - they didn’t trust her at all. Defenders who don’t trust their keeper do stupid things – like clearing the ball when they don’t have to (giving away corners that result in own goals), to name one. Sometimes they even poke the ball away from their own diving keeper and plop it in front of one of the best forwards in the game (Shot – Gol!).

Germany's first goal by a German player was scored by Kerstin Garefrekes, who - were I writing this script - would be scoring all of Germany's goals. Garefrekes! What a great Goddamned name! C'mon, say it with me!

Garefrekes! Garefrekes! Garefrekes!

The Argie defense was never on the same page, and worse – they were comically inattentive. Prinz’s second goal was her walking into a gaping hole and rocketing the ball into the net like “ya se me now?”

Whatever attack the Argies might have offered was completely gutted after they went down 4-nil in less than thirty minutes. Any defensive work in the midfield followed the painful pattern of; Argie gets ball, German tackles Argie, German takes ball, six Germans storm the Argie net.

Take nothing away from the Germans – they rocked the house, Foudy was saying she didn’t see them miss the net once - and I believe her. Cross, header, goal. Cross, shot, goal. Over and over.

Prinz was supposed to break Akers' record in the knockout rounds, she almost did it in one game. If she were a little less of a team player, she would have.

An 11 goal differential on day one??? Print the tee-shirts now. Germany Advances Out of Group Play.

God, but I love the World Cup.

Garefrekes!