Autopilot: Send in the clowns

Men's Olympic soccer.
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Italy vs. Belgium.
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Freakshow.

This match had everything. Two straight red cards (including a Zidane) two PKs, lead changes, shorthanded drama, and a brilliant solo goal for the win.

The kind of game you need a cigarette after. Ahhhh.
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Start off with the first goal:

Italy's Robert Aquafresca (twice voted Europe's most drinkable footballer) is absolutely manhandled by Thomas Vermaelen in the box.

This being Italy, I'm naturally looking for the playacting – and it doesn't help that the Italians are exchanging celebratory kisses after it happens - but Vermaelen is dead to rights.

Apparently the Belgian defender believed he was invisible when he hugged Aquafresca and pulled him down in front of the ref.

You can't see me! Oh, wait – you can.

Red Card. Arrivederci!

Rossi + Spot kick = Goal.

Italy up by a goal, Belgium playing with ten men. The makings of a long night for Belgium. Defend, defend and hope for a goal, right?

Only the Belgians don't see it that way.

They keep going forward – and defending to boot. They're everywhere. They're getting serious time in the Italian side of the field.

And they get a cross. Dembele heads it towards goal. Cigarini barely clears it off the line and –

Goal.

What? The ref rules that the ball crossed the line before Cigarini cleared it. Belgium's tied it. I'm looking at the replay and I'm thinking that was a very favorable call for the Belgians. It might have made the line, but over it? I don't think so.

Regardless – it revitalizes the game. We won't have another dreary Italian defend-a-thon. They gotta go earn it.

The Belgians aren't turtling in either – runs forward, long balls. They're still pressing right up to the half.

Injury time, a long ball lands for Kevin Mirallas, who turns and hooks one past Italy's Viviano. Belgium's leading and the half ends.

At this point, it's been a solid game. Great individual play by the Belgians. Italy – well… they weren't terrible.

In the second half Italy seems to have realized that scoring again would help their chances. They pour it on, but just can't get it done. Goal called back for offsides and a wrongheaded call on Rossi that should have gone the other way.

Maybe the ref was just sick of seeing Italian players sprawl on the field, maybe he figured, I gave you one penalty! What do you want from me?

Whatever the reason, Rossi gets booked – and the game goes on.

Belgium still looked dangerous, but Italy struck next – or rather – Italy got another penalty.

Rossi + Spot kick = Goal.

Honestly, the second PK for Italy was legitimate, but I don't think I'm alone in being disappointed in a team as talented as Italy getting half their Olympic goals from PKs.

Yes, teams they outclass will foul them more often – but I tend to think the Italians have gotten a little too good at playing the ref instead of just playing the game.

In any event - they earned it, they scored it – and we're tied at two.

If this were any other game, one of two things would happen: Belgium would turtle in and play for penalties – or they'd start leaving gaps and the Italians would eviscerate them.

But this was a freakshow.

Dembele (he of the dodgy first goal) gets the ball at midfield and races past two defenders. He cuts past a third and does a lovely give and go before closing on the box and shooting through his marker's legs.

Viviano has it – should have it – misses it.

Goal. An absolute world class effort from Dembele and the Belgians are going ape.

I'm watching two Belgian fans in particular as they stop in mid celebration and point.

I'm like, They just scored....What would stop them in mid scream…?

The camera goes back to the field and you see the Italian keeper taking his gloves off and pointing to his eye.

The ref is putting away a red card.

What the…?

The replay shows Belgian striker Mirallas with the ball jog past Viviano and toss it over his left shoulder – right into Viviano's head.

Accident? Yeah, right.

Mirallas is razzing the keeper pure and simple. The kind of play that can be defended as "what? I didn't know he was there?" but is absolutely designed to piss off and provoke.

It does.

Viviano (who is an idiot) runs over to Mirallas, grabs him and shoves him. Mirallas (who is not an idiot) goes down. As is almost always the case, the ref has missed the provocation and arrives in time to punish the retaliation. Deliberately mugging a player out of play is a straight red.

Viviano's gone.

But years of Italian coaching die hard – and he repeatedly points to his eye as if to say: Don't you understand? He hand-tossed a soccer ball at me from 3 meters! I'm lucky my head's still attached!!

Pathetic. Yes, he was provoked. Yes, Mirallas was trying to piss him off, but when it comes to provocation - the Italians have nothing to say.

Level on manpower and down on goals – the Italians flailed around for the remaining fifteen minutes. Feeling like the injured party, they kept appealing to the ref – it was pathetic.

In what was literally the last two minutes of the game, an Italian defender in a typical corner scrum comes up pointing to his arm and appealing for a card.

You could tell the ref had just had it with this kind of crap. Let me get this straight: You're in your own end, with a goal kick and I'm supposed to card a guy for bumping into your arm? He waved him away and stalked off.

Italy out. Belgium in. All's right with global karma.

Honestly. Italy can kick the world's ass if they forget about flopping and just play the damn game.

Go Belgium. Dembele? He's gonna sign a niiiice deal sometime soon.