People, that is.
I'd taken a long lunch and made a plan to hit a local cafe that is totally awesome. These days, the thought of just hanging out in a cafe with the time to relax is the height of luxury.
I'd planned to convert some of my audio notes to text using my iPhone and bluetooth keyboard. Y'know, like those annoying people do. I was hoping to annoy some people. But mostly, I was looking forward to just kicking back for awhile.
Work has been beyond insane lately.
Ruby's gone. So that leaves just Stimpy and I. One of my former teammates popped by (they'd since gone off to do full time coding. Wisely, since every fulltimer who stayed got canned.) Anyway, former UX guy comes by to rib me about being the last of the Mohicans. I pointed out they were the last fulltime to still work at CorpWorld, so technically, they were the last of the Mohicans.
Ruby called a meeting to hand off all the digital detritus left by our former UX team. A website that still said "Contact us" and listed my former boss as if they still worked here. A network share chock full of projects long since cancelled. A slew of ideas, good and bad.
A series of personal directories. Each one mapping to a person who was now out looking for work.
MP's file directory - the capstone on the sad proceedings. I wonder what they'd say about our sad little troika. Something too accurate to be comfortable, no doubt.
But that was last week. The Boss was moving out of town, so everyone got together one more time - and it was awesome.
I got to see Sensei again. They were the whole reason I got to be anything at CorpWorld. I congratulated them on having the good sense to bail before the big purge. They laughed and said, "yeah, I sure dodged that severance package."
Hadn't thought of that. But I try not to dwell on the downers. Most folks seem to be doing well. Sensei seems tired, but looks well. I miss them awful.
And then I had to go. Little E was promised ice cream and suddenly all the camaraderie was over. I hugged the Boss and left.
And I went back to work without them. We're winding down a big chunk of the project, and it's been time for the victory lap demo. I enjoy demos, so I've been tapped to do them this time around. Feels rather like taking a bow for other people's work-but this is the job.
In a repeat worthy of holiday network, I'm asked to present in the auditorium to the IS managers. The PM has me demo for them so they can tell that I'm not going to disgrace them in front of the brass. Just like how it was when I started. Only this time I know they are coming, I know it will be a big crowd.
Before I go up, the PM pats me on the shoulder and tells me I'll do fine. It is obvious that they are far more nervous about this than I am. I came in early to check the room, get a backup powerpoint deck in case the environment dies on me. I got this sh!t, kay?
I totally crushed it. Had 'em rolling in the aisles. Veni, vidi, vicci, baby.
So now, it's time for my victory lap. I can finally take time to kick back, and I know just where to go. A rippingly awesome new place whose motto graces a whiteboard outside their door:
Roses are red,
bacon is red.
Poems are hard.
Bacon.
How can you not love that?
I order a latte and their killer Cuban. They just started lunch, and they're filling up fast - but there's one table left. Score!
I order my food "for here," and the guy gives me a table marker and offers to make my latte while I'm there. Cool.
I'll kick back, convert my audio notes to text and maybe even...blog.
It's practically pornographic.
I'm holding my table marker and watching some serious latte-fu.
...And then I look up and see some lady plop a bag on the far end of the one remaining table.
Wha...? There was nobody in front of me, I'm certain. This is someone who just came in. Now, this place is small, and I've seen people share tables before. My latte's not done, so I walk over to the table and put my flag on the far left side.
I'm down with sharing, but my food is ordered, paid for, and about to arrive ready for a table. I don't want somebody else to poach the other end of the table before it does.
I'm headed back to pick up my latte, and Some Lady steps in front of me. She points imperiously at where I've just come from. "Excuse me, but that's our table."
It begins to dawn on me that she wasn't intending on sharing. She went into a cafe with one open table, people ahead of her in line and plants her bag on a table before she even orders.
It takes a second to process this, I would happily have shared the table. It's a big table. I'd have my earbuds in anyway. I'd be typing and probably wouldn't even notice them. I'm so put off by her Bitchmove, I skip the diplomacy and reply with:
"I've already ordered my food."
The implication being, What do I do with a plate and saucered mug when they arrive?
But Some Lady digs in. "Well, our bags are already there."
"That's nice," I say. Then I collect my drink and sit down.
I mean, really...f#*k her and her f#*king handbag. You want to share? Fine. You want to call "dibs" at a cafe? You can seriously go f#*k yourself.
So I sit at the end of the table, as planned, and begin working on my audio file. At some point, Some Lady comes to collect her bag, and says something pithy. Tragically, I have my earbuds in - so it's wasted on me. No doubt it was cutting , and will feature prominently in her version of events.
Somehow Some Lady and her manfriend transport a table from the neighboring restaurant and manage to sit down without me.
But f#*k them. This isn't about them. This is about how a moment's respite after a month of total sh!t gets magically transformed into a rant about table dibs because people suck.
I mean, one lousy lunch hour was all I was asking. No fireworks, no magic, just good food, good portable internet, and the luxury of time.
But no, instead I get to vent about bad restaurant flow. About how too few tables leads to bad manners on all sides. How Some Lady is a total witch - her and her bullsh!t handbag. How her mancandy can't be bothered to step in, how...
...or how badly I just need a vacation. I need to go somewhere for a week and not look back. When sh!t this weak can put you over the edge, you know you are on the ledge.
E and thee kids are coming back today and it's just been silly what a hole that leaves in the world. I need to hang out with my kids for about a year solid. We need to do some fun stuff. Not just the necessary evils, but goof off. A lot. We did some of it at the reunion and with E's uncle, but not nearly enough.
We're out of the tunnel these days. I just want to soak up some sun before we go back in.
So, Some Lady? If you're out there - it's nothing personal.
But from the heart - F#*k you.
