(Name) [x] Inactive

Just keep telling yourself, you get to see whales...

I'm neck deep in a government spreadsheet from hell. A regulatory data barf, courtesy of one of the brighter corners in our bureaucracy. NerdHaven's app has to be in synch with the valueset in one of this spreadsheet's many worksheets.

The spreadsheet details how our 2000 plus data elements have changed this year. Each element has four values, each could have changed. Some elements have ALL four of their values change.

Also, the spreadsheet does not separate the old values and the new values. If a field has changed from

Old Foo

to

New Foo

the value's cell is written as

Old New Foo

Which makes me want to stab someone.

Oh, and there's no primary key. Because: of course.

Some elements are being replaced by new elements that are being added this year. And they are adding over 1,400 elements this year. It is my job to detail all the field changes for the devs, spell out the 1,400 new values (and look up an additional value from outside references so these new values won't break our other features that rely on this fifth field), list the elements that will be made inactive, and list which inactive elements will be replaced by other elements.

It is soul crushing work. A person with better programming chops would probably be able to slice and dice the file better than I did.  Faster. I do all the Excel-fu I can think of and it takes me almost two weeks. I don't know how the QA effort will start, and I already feel sorry for whoever pulls QA duty on this gig.

*     *     *

Whales... think about the whales...

*     *     *

I'm getting this work done in support of a feature called RuRa. Well, actually just the Ra portion of RuRa. Sprint's been working the Ru portion and has been wading through all kinds of data hell to build the feature in compliance with what the government demands. NerdHaven's app aggregates data from clients and gives it back in useful ways. Since client data varies (sometimes dramatically) building features with hard data requirements is...challenging.

Sprint has been getting it done. They work with Data in our west coast office, and Data is borderline OCD when it comes to getting the business intelligence right. Together with Pirate & Thespian, Sprint was well positioned to land this beast.

But I can tell Sprint has hated most of the project. Gumby has been hands off in the past, but deadlines are approaching and they cannot help themselves. Weekly checkins, over the shoulder advice, and lots of emails ending with "Thoughts?" I think Gumby had made a deliberate effort to back off at the beginning. Sprint has a reputation for efficiency and professionalism, I know Gumby had wanted to respect that. But where Sprint is known for being fiercely independent, Gumby is positively clingy.

It is a bad mix.

Sprint chafes under Gumby's endless questions and meddling - Gumby is irritated by the feeling of being left out of the loop. When Gumby is called to account by higher ups (the thing Gumby fears above all) they don't have the answers. Each complains to me about the other, and while I sympathize with both - my head is with Sprint. Gumby has stayed away for too long and is overcorrecting.

Talking with Gumby, I am struck by how little they know about the Ru project. They are the Project Manager and design elements I've known about for months are new information to them. I have spent very little time with Sprint about Ru, because very little of it affects my Ra project - but by simple osmosis, I've managed to keep current. Gumby? They know the regulations, but not the design. Which gives them enough information to drive Sprint up a wall with "What about this?" questions, week after week.

With most of the Ru feature built, Sprint is spooling up to put the feature into Beta. I'm head down on Ra and its looming deadlines when I start getting invited to Ru beta sessions. On these, I'm absolutely clueless. I don't know the setup requirements or the goals for the session. I wanted to be a fly on the wall for these - and I'm glad Sprint's invited me - so I can watch the Ru feature in action. It has nearly identical UI to Ra, so lessons learned in the Ru Beta will help my design work.

Which is why it seems odd that I get an invite from a rep to participate in an Ru beta session with Gumby. Sprint is not in the invite. Which I think nothing of, because Sprint is absolutely going to be there, it's their project. But I replay to the rep and say "Sprint's driving the bus on this," basically to say 'hey, don't expect me to do much in this one, I'm an observer."

But later, I'm on IM with Sprint and find out that no, in fact, Sprint has not been invited into the Ru beta. Which makes absolutely no sense. I forward my invite to Sprint and ask Gumby about it. It ends up with Sprint being invited and running the session, but something was seriously odd.

Shortly after that I was in a meeting with Gumby where I was asked about taking a larger role in the Ru betas. Which I said I was fine with, but made it clear that this was Sprint's show if they wanted it. If Sprint wanted out, I'd be happy to help - but I wasn't going to waltz into their beta uninvited.

This was all kinds of awkward. Gumby used to be my boss, and now they were the project manager for both Sprint's Ru feature and my Ra feature. They do get a say in lots of things that affect these features. but if they want a personnel change, they need to take it up with Product Actual. I don't get a say, hell, Sprint doesn't get a say either. If Product Actual says "you do this work," that's what we do. Gumby asking me to budge into Sprint's beta smells bad. We end the meeting with me reiterating that I'll help Sprint if that's what Sprint wants, but that's about it.

About a week later, Gumby, Sprint and I are in a meeting where Gumby asks the two of us who will be running the Ru betas. I clam up and let Sprint answer, and I get a pointed look from Gumby when I do. Sprint (who I think was surprised by the question) takes a moment to spool up, but answers that they will continue to run the Ru beta. Which is a relief to me. Sprint knows their stuff, and if they wanted out I would worry why.

Sprint was recently given a horrid project I'll call Notables. And if ever there was a project that would make you clear the decks, its this one. Sprint did 20 rounds with it early in their NerdHaven tenure, and any mention of it causes groans from pretty much anyone in the know. Project Actual had asked me to help out on it weeks before, but changed their mind and gave it to Sprint.

While I was genuinely relieved, I was too ignorant about how bad Notables was to appreciate the bullet I'd dodged. Sprint knew better - and I was afraid they would have to bail out of Ru to focus on this new beast. But Sprint was up for Ru and Notables - which meant that they were their old self. Kicking butt and getting it done, challenges be damned.

With the Ru beta thing settled, I tied down the spreadsheet work and beat it to death with a shovel. Then started slogging through the pile of Ra work I'd pretty much been ignoring. This one piece of the project was just a mental block, and I'd been working around the edges for a month. With the spreadsheet work done, suddenly I could find a way through. In about a week, I had the bulk of my Ra work slotted for technical review, the last step before RFD. I was on fire.

*     *     *

A Monday.
I meet TierI (our ace customer rep) in the breakroom to discuss caffeine addiction. Then clock through some shop talk with the devs. I gotta get some input from Red on something and we're in the middle of talking when I get a text.

It's from Product Actual:

Hi. Can you come find me when you have a minute?

Uhhhh...

I must have been in a total fog at the time, because my only thought at the time was, I wonder if they are in the old product office? Product Actual is based out of state an only comes into our office every few weeks ago. When they do, they use the old product office.

See what I mean? A total fog.

Not: Hey, I wonder why Product Actual is town?
Not: The boss is asking to meet with me out of the blue, wonder why?

Nada.

I just marched off towards the old product office.

When they asked me to close the door is when it hit me. Uhhh...

Again, though - the first thing in my head was: I'm betting that the Ra project is getting benched. All that work is going in the crapper.

Product Actual never beats around the bush. One of the things I really like about them. You get the real from Actual.

"This is going to be another one of those bad days."

!!! There is a second to absorb this, and the sinking feeling starts.

"I've had to lay off Gumby. There will be others in this office getting RIFed."

(RIF. Reduction In Force. Yet another acronym for firing people.)

"The west coast office will not have its lease renewed. All the west coast staff will be offered the opportunity to work remotely."

Actual tells me that no one else in UX group is affected. But (per policy) there will be no formal list of those affected.

Yet again, NerdHaven staff will walk the halls trying to figure out who is here and who is gone.

Not at their desk. RIFed? or PTO?

Sprint is safe- and when I get a hold of them they tell me that the west coast office's only QA resource had resigned that morning. The west coast office staff had been savaged in the last RIF, now they were thinned again. Oh, and their office would close in May.

Sprint sounded absolutely gutted.

There's really no way to end those kinds of conversations. We sign off with the obvious promise: Let me know if you hear anything definite.

And then you walk back through the office in slo mo. You want to check in with your favorite people, see if they're okay - but you don't dare linger. HockeyOne isn't at their desk, HockeyTwo was let go in the last bloodletting. No way they got rid of HockeyOne. 

Metrics is not at their desk, but you know they were out on PTO. Right? And just like that, you're unsure again. I try the CorpWorld method from Black Wednesday, but our IT isn't as draconian, so email status is no help. I try IM.

Gumby offline update is the marker for when heads had started to roll. Anyone offline with a similar timestamp is a possibility: a quick scan shows SpecialK, Branding, Cure, and...TierI.

Somehow I know that TierI is on the list, but it is a total shock all the same. TierI was one of the folks who seemed to come with the place. Easygoing with the clients, reasonable, funny...

Can't be.

Data pings me and we compare notes. They know about a person in contracts on the west coast. I tell them about two sales people I've heard of. I don't want to spread rumors, so only the stuff I know gets passed. I'm all but certain about TierI, but I don't say anything - I could be wrong.

*     *     *

Olympus holds an all staff meeting to lay out the situation. One staffer asks the obvious question: Are we going to do this again in the next three months? Olympus says the same thing they said last time: "We don't plan on having to do this again." Which leaves everyone unsatisfied. But really, what can Olympus say? "I swear on a stack of all that is holy that we will not have another RIF this year - unless the situation changes."

*     *     *

The week after, some of the casualties are known.

In our project tracking software, former employees still display on historical documents, but with a suffix indicating their status:

TierI [x] Inactive
Branding [x] Inactive
Epro [x] Inactive
...

SpecialK and the Cure are safe. HockeyOne and Metrics are okay as well. Oh, thank God.

Morale is absolutely in the sh!tter. Everyone is fed up. NerdHaven had just had our company outing (which I'd missed) - which is usually a good time with good food. Not two days after a team building exercise, we do layoffs. Genius, that.

I'm trying to nail down all the work for the Ru project prior to going on vacation. Actual wanted Sprint to focus on Notables, so I was given the remainder of Sprint's Ru and the beta. Sprint was behind it, or at least being a professional about being asked to focus on Notables full time. With Gumby gone, what they'd wanted has come to pass anyway - for totally different reasons. Sprint will ride shotgun until they're sure I'm not going to faceplant - then dive into the unholy mess that is Notables.

The vacation is a hell of a thing - going off to Alaska to see glaciers and whales. Should be freaking awesome - assuming I live long enough to get packed and get my sh!t together enough to leave.

Mom is in town, fretting about all the details and basically taking over all the work E and I are too frazzled to do. I literally don't know how we would have gotten the kids ready to travel without her.

I'm trying to squeeze runs to the store into my newly freed lunch hours when I get what looks like a meeting reminder on my phone. It's a 1:1 with Actual.

Not good.

But then I'm like - Wait, our regular 1:1s keep getting rescheduled. This is just Actual finding a time that works for-

BUZZZZZ!

It's a text. From Sprint.

Hey there 

I'm in the parking lot at Target. Full sun, struggling to see the screen, but I don't need to read it.

Sprint is leaving.

They ask if I've spoken to Actual yet. Which is all but confirmation of...

I just resigned 

I'm in the middle of the street and stand there blocking traffic. Seeing those words means there is no escape. This is happening. The best UXer we have at NerdHaven has finally had it.

I get honked back to reality by some helpful man in a truck. Sprint gave notice, so they'll leave two days after I go out on vacation. They've got every reason to go. They're getting a job at a big firm where UXDir went (but not working for them). Gumby drove Sprint up a wall, a bunch of their friends were let go, then they were given Notables... I mean, if you weren't looking after the layoffs, you'd have to be out of your mind. Sprint hung in longer than most anyone would have.

I say what I can manage, but there's really no way to cover it. Sprint was a class act, the person who made things get done on the west coast - oh, and they were a great person to work with.

How did we get here?

When I joined NerdHaven, UX was eight: UXDir, The Professor, Data, Heater, Noddy, Sprint, Runner and me.

Today, Sprint handed over their meetings in Outlook, so we could keep the same room reservations. One of them was the UX team meeting.

Data still works at NerdHaven, but left the UX group, so here's the invite list:

• Red
• Dash
• murph

*     *     *

So, over a week ago, I found a bug. It's part of an addition to Arwafn that Gumby prioritized to fill dev capacity. It wasn't supposed to be in the release, and now it's blown up into three more bugs two days before a software release. A junior dev screwed the pooch, gave their work to a junior QA who did the same, and now we are faced with the damning choice of rescheduling the release or shipping a broken feature.

I have client meetings to set up for beta - I have to do knowledge transfer to Red re my Ru work in case it comes up while I'm out.

I have no time to give Sprint a proper sendoff, I'm barely packed, my signature project is back in the ditch, and I'm flailing to just get a list of what I need to do before I go. There's no chance it will actually get done - I just need to have some hope of tracking it for when I get back, or if someone has questions while I'm out.

So.
Effing.
Done.

*     *     *

But I'll get to see whales...

Despite having had f*%k all to do with this, they've gotta fix all this.

I hope they are up to it.

Anyone Can Be Replaced

The week after NerdHaven's layoffs, Dragonman met me in the hallway.

"I've got some bad news for you."

Here we go.

He tells me that I'll have to organize next year's charity run. The one Runner had been organizing over the past two years.

I'm relieved, and say so. "I can only handle so much bad news at a time. Doing next year's run? Yeah, I can deal with that."

Dragonman plows ahead with the rest of their news, "-because I've put in my notice. My last day is the 17th."

Dammit, dammit, dammit.

Dragonman is the team lead of the Dragon team. Dragon is kickass in all sorts of ways - more so because they have a great leader.

Dragonman is one of those types of people who transform a workplace. They are extremely competent, whip-smart, and have a great sense of humor. Like Portal, Dragonman excels at cutting through the interpersonal and business bullsh!t to solve problems and get sh!t done.

After recovering from the gutshot, I wish Dragonman well. They are sure to do great wherever they go. They say the recent layoffs had nothing to do with their departure, they were looking for work closer to home - and found something that is practically down the road from their house. Even if the layoffs were a factor in their departure, Dragonman is too much of a pro to pour gas on the fire on the way out.

I will miss them.

NerdHaven will miss them. Nobody is irreplaceable, but trying to list the things Dragonman did for NerdHaven (and did well) is pretty mind boggling. Dragon works on a system that is mission critical for a huge portion of the business... it just...

Ugh.

*     *     *

The next day, I'm in our UX meeting, reflecting on how there used to be seven of us and a director. Now there are three FTEs and a contractor. No UX Director anymore, we report to Product Actual.

Product Actual calls into our meeting from their home office in a neighboring state. Which makes every meeting a virtual conference scramble. This week, Product Actual starts out with some news of the realm: Remote is leaving NerdHaven.

I've said before, Remote is not my favorite person in the company. They are professional, cordial, but I have zero rapport with them and any strategic discussions I've had with them have made it very clear that we are on very different pages.

Remote is openly skeptical of agile methodology. Which is fine, there are lots of shortcomings to being agile - but Remote's solutions to agile's shortcomings terrify me. Remote seems to want us to slouch back to waterfall in all but name. I could be wrong about that, and given their departure, it seems pointless one way or the other.

Remote was the person who called Runner into the room to sack them. Not that they had a choice, but a part of my brain won't let that factoid fade.

And now they are going. Rumor has it they are getting a good VP slot at some company in their state.

Anytime execs leave the building, the brain starts imagining reasons why this is so. Did they jump? or were they pushed? The answers to these are not idle gossip. If they jumped, the logical follow up is: Do they see something that should motivate me to jump? If they were pushed, were they pushed for a reason that is headed my way?

And there is no good way to get that follow up intel. Sprint is better plugged in than I am, and the rumor mills (post meeting) suggest that Remote and Olympus did not see eye to eye.

You don't cross Olympus. Period. Full stop.

Remote was Product Actual's boss, and are not being replaced. In effect, Product Actual is going to cover Remote's role as well. Which means my boss is a bigger deal on paper. In a more practical sense, it's likely Remote's position vanishes in a puff of smoke and our boss now reports directly to Olympus.

Sands are shifting, but it's not clear what is truly going on.

*     *     *

It's last week and I'm on LinkedIn, changing my password in response to yet another OMG breach notice in the press. Honestly, I use it so infrequently, I end up changing my password most times I visit - because I've forgotten what I used last time.

Anyway, once I'm in and making sure I can access LinkedIn via my phone, I get a screen with "You may also know..."

And at the top of the list is Lash.

Lash is one of those people who work in support - I almost never work with them directly, but I see them in the breakroom all the time. They are a laugh, and are good enough to at least smile at my jokes.

I'm surprised I hadn't connected with them on LinkedIn before, and then I notice that their listing at NerdHaven has an end date.

Wh...?

I look at their profile. They're gone. They got laid off on the same day as Runner.

Somehow this is the point where I get really sad. The boss was asking how I was doing, and I've been slogging along, trying to get sh!t done so I don't have to think about it.

Lash got laid off and I didn't even notice. That's just sickening. We were not friends, and barely associates - but they were good people. And they've been gone for weeks.

I remember sitting there at my desk like a zombie for like 10 minutes. My desk - in what we used to call the UX fun house. Now there are three empty desks and me.

*     *     *

I put in my request to move back into the team room with BigDog's crew. There was absolutely no point in sitting on my own anymore. Runner and I had left BigDog's room to get away from Noddy. Noddy was long gone (oh wait, I have an update on that. I'll come back to it), and Dash had bailed out as soon as they realized that they weren't in the same room as their devs.

Dash just does stuff - packed up their machine and just did it. Me? I asked for permission to move and filed the paperwork.

Dash is their own animal these days. They've been pulled into a massive project for a huge client that absolutely must land. They work on their own or with Devil - but the rest of UX (such as it is) almost never sees them. In the current environment, this can't help but cause tension. Which is unfair to Dash, they are a pro - but they are less inclined to push into collaboration with the team - they just want to get things done.

Which is admirable, but when a host of design decisions are being made by one person on their own - the rest of the design team wonders why those choices are in the fast lane to prod, while everyone else's have to run the gauntlet.

And I'm not griping about Dash - I'm griping about divided processes leading to a divided team. One of the chief attractions of my job was collaborative design. Working with smart people makes you better at what you do. Sitting alone at a desk getting swamped by problems is a slow road to ruin.

*     *     *

All of what you've read is over a month old. Dragonman left in May. Things have gone downhill from there.

Last month saw the departures of Pirate and Shake - two incredible developers that seemed more than foundational to the company.

I'm completely unable to express how great Pirate was - so I'm going to give up. Two key features that we've promised to deliver rest on bedrock code written by Pirate. I doubt anyone understood the problems Pirate solved - and to the poor dev who gets asked to follow up on their work....

...Good Effing Luck.


*     *     *

*needle scratching sound*

(Ugh, the dog is going insane. I'll write more in a bit, but suffice it to say, these past two weeks have not improved things.)

A Too-familiar Ritual

"Why does this keep happening?"
-Sisyphus 

Four minutes.

I timed it.

Inadequate.

And immediately after, I'm screwing my guts back together in a conference room - trying to look like a professional.

*     *     *

This morning started out normal, mostly. Crate the dog, corral the kids. Out.

Runner's setting up the gear for a charity run that NerdHaven is participating in. Passing out the swag. I'm opting for the green water bottle right about the time I get a notice on my phone.

Living Room movement.

I have DropCam. The dog is up to something. He's in his crate, so he's probably not up to much, but I check and-

he's not in his crate.

I check the history and see that Mr. Dog tried the side door (which we forgot to latch) and happily escaped into the kitchen. He's probably doing God-knows what kind of damage to the house, right before he leaves an epic steamer on the new couch.

I gotta bug Gumby about something first, but their door is shut. So I get some coffee and head into an in person meeting I have to. Afterwards I'll bop home and work remote until noon. I have a presentation to the SMEs this afternoon and I need to be in the office for the video conf.

I get a desk check with HellBoy over in our west coast office - HellBoy is killing it on a story I wrote for this big feature Sprint's running. HellBoy spots all kinds of issues and (this one time) I actually am ahead of them, since the UX group went over all the crazy edge cases yesterday.

Well, almost all of them, Sprint caught another one this morning, but... anyway. The story is going well. Should go to QA today.

I take my machine and head home to uncover the horrors the dog has inflicted on my home. I don't see him in the window... but-

-he's happily greeting me at the door. I check everywhere, but nothing is ruined. The dog has....been good. I don't know how to express my disbelief of this, but perhaps he was just stunned into inaction by the amount of choices he had.

Which should I destroy first? OOhhh! I can't decide...!

I set up my VPN and go back to virtual work. Right away, I get IM'ed by Source. They want me to call them.

I start explaining why I'm out of the office, and Source laughs.

"Y'know, it's probably a good day to be out of the office. Put your feet up a bit, there's news."

Source is pretty good about knowing things, it's kinda how they got this gig.

"There's gonna be a team meeting today."

As I have said before, sudden meetings with the boss are never good.

Still, this doesn't have to be bad.

"Remote is in town."

Sh!t.

Remote lives on another plane of corporate existence. Runner's been saying money is tight, lately - so if our corporate masters have deemed it necessary to fly Remote out here, something is about to go down.

"This will be an announcement of a force reduction."

Bad.

"UX will be affected."

Really bad.

"The West Coast dev team is being let go."

Are you F*#k-ing kidding me? We can't lose Pirate and Thespian, that's not possible...! Nobody can do what they do...!

Source backtracks a bit, but repeats that the west coast team is going to be hit hard.

And then they say it "You are safe." The words I've been afraid to ask for.

I am safe. But somebody on UX isn't.

Source has to go, they swear me to secrecy until the appointed hour. I'm supposed to cancel my presentation to the SMEs.

"They won't want to talk to you anyway, their team will be affected, too."

Cripes.

So, now I'm in the know - about something I shouldn't be. I don't know much, so there wouldn't be much point in sharing what I've heard. When it comes to issues like these - only dead certainties count. But you're never allowed to share them.

I don't want to go back to the office. I don't want to face people today.

I go walk the dog to clear my head.

I start thinking about our group. If we're losing someone, there are two main candidates: Red and Gumby.

Red's on a contract and keeps getting jerked around by NerdHaven. They were supposed to make Red an FTE months ago - and pointedly hadn't. Red was starting to get more than a little nervous, but their project work is never ending. If Red goes, a metric sh!t-ton of work will fall on someone. Red's been absolutely great. They've inherited all of Dash's old work and kept up with their original team's work besides.

It will suck if it's Red. They are good people.

Gumby... I admit that's a bit of a long shot. But Gumby was strong-armed out of the UX director job and into Product - where... I don't know. They don't seem to have distinguished themselves. They probably do a lot more than I realize, but my interactions with them have not gotten better since they shifted jobs. Gumby always wants to have more meetings, more discussions - and they never seem to push back against the factional foolishness going on at higher levels. Easy for me to say, I know - but a criticism of Gumby's project always seems to turn into hip shooting a solution to appease the critic. Instead of, "Hey, is this criticism something I should give a sh!t about? No? Then screw it." Or some other, more professional version of that. Just because someone else isn't happy isn't a reason for a complete do-over.

And Gumby does not seem to be making allies with the powerful set at NerdHaven. It's not really a lot to base a theory on, but it's just a feeling.

Source thought Sprint and Data were safe, too. I have to think Dash is, as well. Their project is a colossus and no way they get pulled off it.

I get back and log in. Cancel my SME meeting - and I see that the team meeting is scheduled to start in the next 30 minutes.

!!!

I put the dog back in his crate - making sure to latch both doors, this time - and bolt back to the office. No time for lunch, and no real appetite. I grab a snack at the ground floor cafe and jump into an elevator.

With the meeting starting in the next....geez!...five minutes! People who are getting their notice will probably know by now.

The 'vator opens and I see two co-workers from Service headed towards me. One of them is sobbing, the other is telling them to just breathe. "You're okay, you're okay."

*     *     *

They don't have a box in their hands, but it's full on obvious what is going on. I clear a path and head towards my desk. I see Drool in the hallway, they're looking grim, but they are still here. They have the look of forced stoicism.

Scan fob, duck through the door. I know the bad news a bit early, so I'm going to shut my mouth until the meeting. In four minutes.

I'm almost at my desk and see Runner. They smile.

"Hey, I'm packing up my sh!t"

No.

They're chucking pens and such into a box.

No.

All I can manage is "Whu-?"

No. No. No.

"I got laid off."

Not Runner. 

Runner and I started on the same day. Literally went through all the same sh!t in the rampup. We were joined at the hip on Arwafn. Then Runner became the go-to on two huge internal projects and,

and now?

Runner says Remote was trying to get their attention all morning, so they knew. Walked into Remote's temporary office, saw the two other guys in suits and just said "Gimme my damn folder."

They will get a severance, it's not catastrophic, but I'm just gutted, and Runner's always talking about how they are the stable income in their family. Their spouse has good work, but it's sporadic as hell.

Gumby walks in, they hear the news and are staggered, they hadn't a whiff of this, didn't even know Remote was in town.

Red comes in, they appear to have survived the cut. Which means Runner is the only loss to UX. Runner knows that Ihaq is gone, and Balin is also gone.

Sh!t.

The team meeting with Remote starts in seconds and I ask if this is immediate, or if they will be around after the-

"I'm gone."

I hug Runner and try not to lose my sh!t in the hallway. BigDog comes in as I'm leaving and I have to just walk off.

Two years, I work with you - and now I just walk off.

After four minutes.

Inadequate.

Olympus Has Spoken

Once a quarter, NerdHaven has its big to-do with the higher ups. The All Staff. In the normal run of things I accept the invite and put it out of my mind until one day I come into the office and all the managers are dressed up.

At Nerdhaven, casual is the way of things. Atlas, who use to be the boss of UXDir, typically stalks the halls in a faded tee shirt and jeans. Until recently, Atlas has been showing up in a button up shirt - so there have been more than a few jokes about them bucking for a promotion.

But really, when you see all the managers dressed up, it's an All Staff day.

This All Staff was different. This would be the first one since Olympus assumed the role of GM. The first one since NerdHaven had the first layoff. Six FTEs were just let go and this would be the meeting that laid it all out. The how and the why.

Not the who, though. I've never understood this, but the one piece of information that folks want most is the one that does not get brought up directly. Who got canned? I can't imagine there is a lower thing to do that to just put up a list of those who were let go, but honestly - folks want to know who will no longer be around. It's not like we won't find out eventually. Might as well pull the scab off now. But that's not how it's done. When CorpWorld fired 86 people on Black Wednesday, all they did was send out an updated org chart - which made technology scrape the text of the new one and the old one and run Beyond Compare to see who got axed.

UX knew Heater was canned, but nothing else. Prior to the meeting, Olympus sent around a powerpoint deck with a revised org chart, but it wasn't a lot of help. First off, it looked to be the product of several different authors, each with a different way of looking at the organization. Some groups included their contractors, some didn't. Some represented hierarchies among people who reported to the same person, some didn't. Our group's chart made it look like I was at the same level as Gumby or Devil - and that was definitely not the case. Gumby used to be my boss for Chrissake, and yes, we both reported to Product Actual, but they clearly ranked me.

Org charts are documents fraught with all kinds of unintended meaning. I'm fairly certain that whoever put the chart for UX/Product was just making sure all the people were connected to Product Actual. Runner seized on some subtext that I'm convinced was just oversight. "Why is Dash at the top of our group?"

Which is a good question. Dash was new. If we were going by rank and seniority, our group list should have looked something like:

• Product Actual
• Gumby
• Devil
• Pogue
• Sprint
• Runner
• murph
• Dash
• Red
• (Open)

Instead, it looked like

Product Actual

Gumby - Dash

(Open) - Sprint

Devil - murph

Runner - Pogue

Red

Which sends entirely the wrong message to people like Devil and Pogue (and Runner, apparently). So, by this chart, Dash is up on the food chain and Runner is down. 

Powerpointers of the World, hear me: Thou shalt not phone it in on org charts - all kinds of wrong stuff happens.

I digress.

So the All Staff is going down today and there's no avoiding it. What we'd originally thought was clipping Heater for poor performance was actually part of an organizational earthquake. Today we would get all the why we could handle.

*   *   *

The morning was a blur - I owed Sprint two stories RFD that were hot on the heels of the four stories I gave Dragon yesterday. We review the work with the devs and they clear it, barely. I went way too fast on one of them and missed a few items that I was cleaning up until a few hours ago. I get the lunch notice and happened to be en route to the breakroom when I get it on my phone.

Ahhh lunch. One of the good things about an All Staff. They figure you are essentially missing lunch for a two hour meeting, so the office springs for food. Typically, it's just subs, chips and cookies, but it's free. This time, no cookies. I run into Pepe and they laugh, "Cookies are for people who make their numbers!!"

That's sure to be a part of today's meeting. NerdHaven is not shy about spelling out the economic picture to everyone. Everyone cares because everyone's bonus depends on us making our commitments. The buzz up until now is not good. I'm thinking we might not get a bonus this year.

All Staffs are on the ground floor, in a common space used by other businesses. I file in late and end up sneaking into the back row seconds before the show kicks off. I'm next to Runner and Dash, just behind Gumby. UX still hanging together, even though we are Product people now. 

Olympus is at the podium and launches into an apology for having to talk at length, but it has to be done. Olympus is a polished speaker, does this kind of thing all the time. And they fire up Powerpoint.

God, I hate powerpoint. Tufte is right, Powerpoint is for presenters, not for audiences. But Olympus is restrained and sensibly avoids most of the common mistakes of tiny fonts and overly dense slides.

They get right to the point. We have made organizational changes that will, as most of you know, affect six of your colleagues. Not too passive, and everyone knows what they are talking about. This does not represent a downsizing, this is truly restructuring. As a matter of fact we will be adding eleven positions to our company. Between additional staff and other investments, we will be adding [x] million dollars of investment in the company this year.

This is a relief. Nobody wanted to think NerdHaven was in trouble financially. We didn't make our numbers, but our numbers were for growth targets. Yes, we'd all be happier if we hit those, but growing slower than plan is a hell of a lot better than shrinking. And we are not shrinking.

Whew.

Olympus reviewed the good and the bad of the past year. I note that Arwafn is slotted under the bad. There is no other place it could be, but seeing (again) that my signature project is an open wound this far along in its existence makes me squirm. We have months of work with PofC to fix Filter B. And that's just to get us back to a baseline of what folks wanted. I have at least four other features to add to Arwafn to get it to a point where I would feel good about washing my hands and moving on to the next thing. That's assuming I get that work prioritized and...

I look up and Olympus is on to the org charts. 

GMs get to do a lot and Olympus has moved swiftly to reorganize the VP level of NerdHaven. Their protege, Juice, is a new VP (has been for awhile now) and others in their favor have neatly moved up. Data's prediction came true: Remote is now the VP of Product at NerdHaven. They were part of our temporary "sister company" but now that we are no longer conjoined at the hip, Remote is still with us - officially. 

Atlas looks to have been demoted. My memory of org charts is always suspect, but Portal and TheDude used to report to Atlas, and now they are peers. That just makes me sick. Atlas is the most hardworking, generous person I've known in tech - and they were gunning for higher office in NerdHaven. They've been denied promotion twice now, and this was them actually moving down the ladder. I worry about them. We've had some tech challenges lately, and if all of them are landing on Atlas...

...well, that would just be sh!tty.

Olympus wraps up with a view downrange of where we are headed strategically and at the end, I'm convinced that the Heater thing is not the ominous thing I thought it was. I believe NerdHaven was looking to get rid of Heater for performance reasons and a re-org came along and allowed them to do it faster. That's crappy, but really - Heater was not getting it done. 

Listening to Olympus lay out their vision for the company, it is clear: they have a plan, and they have been busting their butt to get things moving so the market doesn't get ahead of us. NerdHaven is well positioned, but there are always threats. We got complacent for the past few years, this will not be allowed to happen again.

Next up is Juice. A lot of resentment has cruised through NerdHaven about the meteoric rise of Juice, but the fact is - they are smart, driven, and they get stuff done. Juice lays out their team's accomplishments and responsibilities - which seals the deal for me. Juice's team has a brutal schedule of ramping up clients and keeping them supported. If they can do that and live, they get my vote.

Then comes Remote. Today's meeting is Remote's coming out party for officially joining NerdHaven's org chart. They will run Product, and so they are now the boss of my new boss in perpetuity. Remote's love of Powerpoint does not translate into effective delivery of visual information. The fonts are small, the graphics - impenetrable. Remote is a good speaker and gets most of their points across. For some reason, they believe that Noddy's last project was a success. Oh, and UX will be working closer with the SMEs. 

I don't know why this makes me unhappy, but it does. The SMEs are a smart bunch, with highly technical degrees and experience in the field. Working with them should be a no-brainer. But we've always managed to step on each other's toes. The SMEs have the expertise to inform our designs, but they are not designers. But design is fun - and everyone imagines that what they want is what everyone wants. One of our SMEs, MontBlanc, is particularly headstrong. They have been proven right enough to be dangerous, but the mindset of "just do what I want" is a dangerous thing. Sooner or later you will pay. I believe regular contact with the SMEs is the cure for our social differences, but procedurally - adding more cooks to the kitchen will not increase our velocity.

And we are not getting it done as a business unit.

Finance steps up next to deliver the news that everyone is sweating at this time of year. Bonuses depend on our unit and our corporate unit hitting our numbers. Finance tells us that our corporate unit has failed. At best, our bonus this year will be half of what it could be. Odds are, it won't be the best scenario. Finance goes through the rest of the numbers which show us not hitting our growth target, but still growing. Its not good news, but not truly bad.

Last up is Olympus again. NerdHaven typically gives an award for great performance since the last meeting - an award where anyone can be nominated by a peer, and management selects a winner. This time, with Olympus head down cranking out the new business plan and the re-org - there hasn't been time. Olympus apologizes and tells us all they've selected some people for recognition for exceptional performance. They stress the usual disclaimers - picking these folks isn't meant to sleight anyone - but they wanted to point out some folks who have really done well in their opinion.

Olympus taps their deck and a gold star appears on the screen with a name in it.

And it is Data. First name picked! Which is awesome. Data has been doing battle with an insanely difficult government protocol for an insanely difficult client and has come out of it with a genuine win. The protocol will become easier for our client (and everyone else - this protocol has never been done before, precisely because no one did what Data did: TALK to the govt about it). I'm cheering for them. They have struggled in obscurity to convince folks that data stewardship is key to our product. With Olympus calling them out - it is clear that a rubicon has been crossed. The GM knows that Data is a key player now. This is good for all of us. 

But really, Yea! Yea for Data!

Olympus taps the deck. Another star. A name I don't know. NerdHaven has a lot of departments I never see - but Olympus makes a point of describing the person's unit and what they've done for the company.

And again, and again. I briefly hope that I'll be up there, but it's clear that the names are in alpha order and they are way past where my name would be. I'm hoping Olympus will tag somebody in UX or on BigDog's team. But there looks to be room for only six stars on the slide and the sixth one is someone in contracts who does the unenviable job of making sure our phonebook sized contracts are signed and sealed so we can begin taking the client's money. Olympus does a nice job of spelling out what this person has done for the organization, staying up until 3am to book business to make deadlines. Literally giving every spare minute to getting new clients on the books. 

Rockin.

Six stars called out by Olympus in front of the whole company. Yeah, it's not a bonus check, but knowing that the GM personally appreciates what you're doing has gotta be one hell of a shot in the arm.

Olympus taps their deck. Another star comes up.

Its me.

"Where is murph? I thought I saw them?" Olympus asks. Hands point to me and Olympus begins telling everyone about how they appreciate my efforts on Arwafn. 

I'm literally dumbstruck. I haven't been in a meeting with Olympus since Arwafn blew up - well over six months ago... Runner's giving me the "whaddaya know about that?" look and I manage to mouth 'thank you' to the GM.

They go to Q&A, then we file out and Portal gives me an attaboy. Portal. The cynic with a soft heart. They're happy for me.

And its about then that I realize what a freight train Arwafn has been. It is nowhere close to done - but it has been an all consuming thing. NerdHaven has promised to make it right, and even if they hadn't I sure have. This thing will work. I will make sure of it.

I'm just glad it hasn't been in total obscurity. Because this sh!t ain't easy. 

Managers, take note: taking the time to notice the efforts of folks outside your immediate circle is good for any number of reasons - but it does wonders for morale.

Yeah, I didn't get a formal award trophy - or the usual gift card.

But I got a Gold Star from Olympus.

That's pretty solid.

Action Needed

It's the end of July. We've just finished up showcase, where one of my stories got demo-ed - the first for BigDog's team in quite a while.

I'm sitting next to Devil, who is proxy for Product Actual. Devil is awesome. Today, everything went more or less to plan, so what happens next is mostly formality - but the forms must be obeyed.

Was everything accepted?

Agile requires that our team demonstrate what we've done to Product, and they get final sign off on whether or not it is done to their satisfaction. Devil nods, and I look in the queue and click the 'accept' button three times:

One.
Two.
Three.

And immediately forget about it. There's an iteration planning meeting coming up. I need to be ready. I think some of my stuff might get picked up.

I'm focused on that as I walk out, unaware of how three clicks will turn into a sh!t show.

*   *   *

From: Ahhh 

To: murph

Cc: Nugget

Subject: thanks, but please don't move the tickets to accepted

Hello!  There’s work I need to do on the tickets and having them in the showcase queue, checking them, and then moving them is my process.  I don’t think there’s any immediate hurry outside of the showcase day.  If you’re being asked to move them please let me know so I can address it with whoever is asking you.  Thanks

Brief aside, here: Ahhh refers to stories as 'tickets' and refuses to call them anything else. Whatever. Ahhh has cc'ed Nugget, who is our Scrum Master, for reasons that are clear to pretty much no one.

---

From: murph

To: Ahhh

Cc: Nugget

Subject: RE: thanks, but please don't move the tickets to accepted

What additional process is involved in accepting stories?

My understanding was that you were minding the RFD queue with regards to priority. If this has changed, that’s news to me. I moved the cards to accepted because I was sitting next to Product when they said they were accepted.

---

From: Ahhh

To: murph

Cc: Nugget

Subject: RE: thanks, but please don't move the tickets to accepted

If there’s any of the field entries out of whack/missing/etc. I get a talking to.  So, no.  Not just priority.

At this point, Nugget comes over to my desk to ask me if there is some irrevocable aspect to marking a story 'accepted.' There isn't, I say, and since Ahhh is an admin on the site, they are able to edit any aspect of a card. Nugget seems confused by why Ahhh is making a deal out of this. I share their confusion. Nugget walks off.

---

From: Nugget

To: Ahhh, murph

Subject: RE: thanks, but please don't move the tickets to accepted

I like the process of updating right away in the showcases as the Dragon team does it that way too.  I also try to update the release page shortly after (don’t always get to it) and look for Accepted before marking them off.

Are there some fields that are not updateable after the status is changed to Accepted?

---

From: Ahhh

To: Nugget, murph

Subject: RE: thanks, but please don't move the tickets to accepted

I sure can change my process to accommodate your process.  Who will be the responsible party for moving the tickets to Accepted?  Thanks

---

From: Nugget

To: Ahhh; murph

Subject: RE: thanks, but please don't move the tickets to accepted

Ok, thanks.  I think you should own all the activities with the board which includes marking as Accepted.

Translation: Nugget is washing their hands of this. 

---

From: Ahhh

To: Nugget, murph

Subject: action needed RE: thanks, but please don't move the tickets to accepted

Thanks!  murph, Do you agree? 

(Subject change and highlighted text in original)

---

From: murph

To: Ahhh, Nugget

Subject: action needed RE: thanks, but please don't move the tickets to accepted

I Do Not 8-) 

Partly because I think the point of a tool like Mixer is to share a workflow, so that tasks have more coverage and people can help each other out.

But also because I really don’t see limiting use in Mixer as solving this issue. If you’re getting grief because there are missing fields, we can add validation to the transitions to enforce those fields (and share the issue with the larger team, so that new cards are filled out correctly, rather than have the same process lead to more cards to clean up).

---

From: Nugget

To: murph, Ahhh

cc: Gumby

Subject: action needed RE: thanks, but please don't move the tickets to accepted

Copying [your boss] as well for their thoughts.  I agree the team should all move their cards through the workflow.  Am suggesting that Ahhh owns the “bookends” to that flow meaning she will get it moved through the analysis phase and get it RFD and then be the one to close it out by Accepting it.  If the Accepting can be done during the showcase, then this should work (at least for me).

If we still disagree, let’s set up some time to discuss further.

---

From: Ahhh

To: Nugget, murph

cc: Gumby

Subject: action needed RE: thanks, but please don't move the tickets to accepted

Nugget, Could you describe what moving it through the analysis phase looks like for you?  We have various UXers assigned to the analysis work on the different cards – and typically the assigned UXer is the one to present it for estimation (in pre-ipm) and for RFD.  It would be helpful to understand you thoughts in more detail.  Thanks

---

From: Gumby

To: Ahhh, Nugget, murph

cc: Gumby

Subject: action needed RE: thanks, but please don't move the tickets to accepted

First and foremost, my expectation is that the team works together. Attached are the expectations based on what is needed for the team…regardless of who is doing the work.  Ahhh is the single point of contact and we look to them for the work to be completed (like before a Pre-IPM). However, if murph is moving stories to accepted during the showcase, I would see this as a nice gesture.  

I’m not sure who is providing the “talking to” as referred to below. The bottom line is BigDog’s team is relying on us to manage the queue. If managing the queue is creating such issues that it creates strings of emails on a regular basis, then we need to rethink the process.

When I read discussions like this, I feel like a lot of energy is being focused on the Mixer board that would be more productive if focused elsewhere.  

And when I read discussions like this, I feel like hurling my laptop out of window.

Derailment, part I

All at once, work is exhilarating and terrible.

Arwafn is rolling out to the world, and while the internal reviews are good - the only score that counts is the one you get from the end users.

The early reports are the worst. Not because they are bad, but because they usually represent incomplete opinions, initial reactions - delight in something new. They are passed along by hopeful co-workers who want to believe the same thing I do: that it has worked. That our customers are pleased with what we've done.

Somehow, I always manage to fall for this.  I supposed to be dispassionate, but after a year of working on the project, I want success. I want happy customers.

And so I flatter myself to think that this time, we did it right.

And then the second round of reviews roll in.

Second round is usually polite, deferential even. "Hey, I'm wondering about this bit here..."

By the third round, you know you have problems, and you start looking for patterns. This is not a drill. You'll need to fix this.

Bin the ego and lean into this, because it's going to hurt.

"Customer has some questions about this filter. It doesn't seem to work" 

"...numbers aren't adding up. They want to know why..."

Third, round - the co-workers have stopped being nice. They want to know what the problem is. And how those problems managed to make it through QA and beta testing.

There is no worse feeling in UX than watching a customer delight in seeing what they wanted to see - and then watch them realize their mistake.

Oh...I guess that isn't working.

*     *     *

The flaw in Arwafn that managed to make it all the way into production is the most maddening of all. Arwafn relies on customer supplied data - in the form of a data feed.

Data flows from a client's system and flows into Arwafn. Arwafn turns the tidal wave of data into an intelligible grid and allows the user to manipulate it in several ways. We've checked the design against the industry standards, we've verified that the added functionality was wanted by the customers - we've set up beta testers with their live data in Arwafn and let them play with it to get their responses.

And we've had QA try to beat it to death with everything short of a tire iron.

Arwafn came through all that. The board was green.

But we'd missed something - something that was admittedly pretty hard to quantify, but something that we could have noticed earlier.

The client data feeds are crap.

We were like engineers building a colossal aqueduct across miles of countryside and then aiming it at a dry lake.

Or, more accurately, a bog.

Some customers follow the agreed on specification for supplying the data and - for them - all is well. But for a still to be determined group of customers, they send us garbage - and for them, Arwafn is smelling pretty foul.

And it's no good pointing the finger back at our clients. We told them Arwafn was a new feature - we did not tell them it might work if your data isn't godawful.

Nor did we design the report to degrade gracefully. That principle I began learning with regards to crap browsers ages ago was noticeably absent when I baked out the stories to build this report.

It's a basic idea - and yet I'm re-learning it for the umpteenth time:

Okay, it works when A, B and C are present. What if I take away A?

Easy. It looks like it's still working - but isn't.

What if I take away B?

Same thing.

And so on. Any of those questions getting some real thought would have resulted in what NerdHaven is now rapidly deploying to the field. Switches to enable the functionality dependent on A.

Don't have A? We'll shut that off for you.
No B? We'll turn that off, too.

The rest will still work.

That's how it should have been designed from the get go, but in my naiveté thought "Of course, they'll all be sending us this information. How could they not?"

 And they're not. Or rather, I wish they just weren't - that would have been easy to spot.

When we did beta sites, no data would have resulted in obvious failures. But that didn't happen. We had data flowing into our UI, and the dependent features worked as expected.

Did we ask users to go through our report line by line to ensure accuracy?

We did not.

Did we ask our internal experts to crawl around under the hood of our beta sites?

We did not.

All of this, every new expression of the problem, slams home into whatever professional pride I'd managed to save up. Three weeks ago, Runner and I were heroes. Now, I'm being forwarded emails from our SMEs where they are describing Arwafn's failings in scathing terms. I'd have hoped I would have been included in those messages when they were sent, but I get them secondhand. After they've been routed through management.

Atlas has been unfazed by this - they point out we've had data issues in the past, and the scope of the issue is being overblown. I feel genuinely ill. Atlas and Gumby finished up my performance reviews before this all blew up. I came out really well in their eyes. I was proud.

And now this. The folks who sang my praises are now being hauled in front of the executive leadership team.

And there is something else. Something that goes beyond a customer sending us crap data.

Something I'd heard about and went after.... just way too late.

The Full Noddy

S'been awhile since I b!tched about work, so I'm gonna do that now.

For the most part, the past few months have been a straight up march towards rollout. Arwafn, the report Runner and I have been working on, is due to be flipped on - for realsies - on the day of the Q4 release, along with all the stuff Data, Sprint, & Heater have been cranking out.

The UX team did a big demo of all the stuff pre-launch (which I missed because little e was sick), but the overall response was positive. This launch will be an oddity for NerdHaven, since most of the functionality will be triggered site by site, when the clients have ramped up their data connections.

Normally, all the new stuff lands like a ton of bricks and post rollout, the devs spend a day putting out fires. This time, a lot of the new stuff was deployed months ago, but has only been turned on for a few customers. The fires are already long gone - and now the UX team are supposed to move onto the next new thing.

Since UX delivers the requirements so the devs can work, we're actually supposed to have started the next new thing awhile ago, so that the post rollout devs don't suddenly find themselves without stuff to do.

So... are we hosed?

The astute reader may have noticed I'd mentioned work by Sprint, Data, Heater, Runner & myself - but not Noddy.

Noddy has no work at all going out in the Q4 Release - which should horrify any self respecting professional. Nearly a full year of effort and what can they claim to have been working on?

Not a hell of a lot actually. But there is this one thing: I'll call it the Vee Project. Vee is something that Noddy seized on back in September as the Thing They Were Working On. It kept them out of our hair and - Amazingly - Noddy did seem to be making stuff.

In the abstract, the Vee Project involves our clients getting data out of a very precise machine, evaluating it and reporting select data bits to the government.

At some point, Noddy sits me down to explain this in excruciating detail and my first impression is Why the hell are we trying to solve this problem?

The clients appear to be getting data out of the machine by writing it down on a clipboard. Later they key this data into a government web app that tells them if they have to key in more details for a given data set.

Noddy tells me that our web app will be a copy of the government's web app - but we won't be able to transmit data to the government site until 2017, because the gov't website isn't set up to do that yet.

In other words, we can't get the initial data electronically (because it's on a clipboard), so our client will have to manually enter it into our application. Since our app cannot send data to the gov't site for over 2 years, our clients will then re-type their data into the gov't site.

This sounds unbelievably stupid - and I say this to Noddy. "Why would someone do this?"

Noddy is unmoved "they want to keep their data. The gov't site won't let them."

"Yeah," I say, "But they have to double enter their data to keep it. That's horrible."

* * * *

I'll spare you the play by play - but you get the idea. This is a problem for our users, but (as explained to me, at least) this is not a problem our software will actually solve. Our app will become another mouth to feed, when the original problem was our clients having to feed just one.

This is the problem Noddy has been working on since September - and over a month ago Product informed us that the Vee Project would be the number 1 priority for next year. In our regular reindeer games meeting, Data was conflicted over this. "You know Noddy is going to screw this up. Professionally, we can't allow them to screw up next year's big feature."

At this point, Data's talking to Sprint, Runner, and me. We've all seen Noddy do next to nothing on other projects. If the project is low priority, nothing is done at all. Once it becomes prioritized, Noddy fumbles along until they are given a partner - someone who actually gives a sh!t, like Sprint - and suddenly things start getting done. Not by Noddy, to be sure, they're still on Ebay like always - but you can count on Noddy to offer to help management and Product "with any questions they have."

Meanwhile, Sprint (or Data, or whoever is unlucky enough to get paired up with Noddy) grinds through the work, doing 100% of what should be 50-50.

It's happened before too often - hell, Runner and I got Noddy thrown off Arwafn because all he was doing was coat-tailing on our work.

Noddy's effing up the Vee Project - and saving the project effectively means saving Noddy, too. And nobody wants to save Noddy.

Data's a professional - they opt to take the bullet and pair up with Noddy. The Vee Project cannot fail.

With Data's involvement, things start happening immediately. The day after they start on the project, they discover that there is a way for us to get the initial dataset automatically, rather than from manual entry off a clipboard. The Vee Project goes from "bag of suck" to "wow!" after a single day of Data's analysis.

Noddy has been on the same project for almost four months and this avenue of inquiry has never occurred to them. I know this because I'd grilled them on it - and in response to "Where does the data on the clipboard come from? How do we get to that?" all I received was a blank look.

Noddy had been told the information came from a clipboard and that was the end of their analysis. Data contacted the originating device manufacturers, read the manuals, and did a rough survey of customers to determine if a good % of the originating devices are in use by our clients.

And that was day 1 of Data's involvement. Then they began setting up client interviews to tease out the nuts and bolts of getting data from the originating system all the way to the government website. In short order, there are a brace of client interviews about the Vee project. Data sets them up, surveys the participants and leads the discussion.

Noddy... creates a wiki page to store the notes from each session. If I were generous, I would say this is work that takes 15 minutes. At stand up, Noddy tells the team repeatedly that they are "transcribing the interview notes."

Now, I've done transcriptions for the Arwafn project and it can take ridiculous amounts of time. Runner and I started out writing down every word. Eventually, we realized that we were making new interviews faster than we were transcribing old ones. We paired it down to main take aways and supporting quotes and it was still a lot of work.

If Noddy was working on transcription, it could take awhile. Being Noddy - it could be a Long while. But weeks go by - and the only new text that appears on the wiki pages for each interview comes from Data. They're writing up bullet points - a sensible compromise - given what is needed and the amount of work to be done. Not to mention that they are essentially doing this entirely on their own.

At some point, Noddy adds a single list of bullet point notes to the wiki for a single interview. Out of a half a dozen interviews, Noddy did one - in bullet points - so that might be an hour or two of work.

As expected, the division of labor on the Vee Project is pretty much everything is on Data's shoulders. Noddy is showing up to meetings and not a lot else.

Early on, Noddy was actually doing stuff on the Vee Project. They'd made mockups of two web forms - essentially duplicates of the forms that exist on the government website. Building these forms would be asking our clients to double enter data in our site and the gov't site (since the gov't site doesn't have an API and won't accept data imports until 2017). I could see starting out working on these forms, but they are clearly not high value elements of our solution. To be fair, making them might help a UX person better understand the overall problem. I get that they would be written up. But again - they are a dead end - and they appear to be the only thing Noddy has done.

Around the first week in December Product calls us into a room to assess where we are at and how easy it will be to pivot from work like Arwafn to the new number 1 priority, the Vee Project. Noddy pipes up that we also need to have some work for Nachen, a batch of gov't related work that has traditionally been their bailiwick.

* * * *

<aside>
This is typical Noddy. The Nachen stuff is convoluted and Noddy grokked up on it pretty good. No one is terribly eager to follow them, so Noddy is largely bulletproof when it comes to Nachen work. Any question will provoke reams of detailed blather from Noddy that few people have the will to investigate enough to pin down. YQA can school them, but almost nobody else. 

A portion of the Nachen work comes with a federal mandate, so its priority ranking is largely out of our hands. Noddy clearly enjoys telling everyone that space must be cleared in the schedule for their work. Since Noddy knows the Nachen release schedule, they get to tell Product what must be done and when. 

All of this might not be a big deal if Noddy was all the way up to speed and keeping Product in the loop with regular updates. They could be plotting work on the calendar and having it queued up ahead of time. The Nachen work is on a regular schedule - and while there is some variance - we could be ahead of the game. With Noddy, it's almost like each year's update is a complete surprise. 

Product is clearly struggling to figure out how much work they need to account for and when. Product is not happy.
</aside>

* * *

Back to the meeting. Noddy throws out a cloud of uncertainty about Nachen work - Product flexes hard and pins down Noddy to a defined set of Nachen work that includes the must-haves. The work is not ready, but Noddy is put on notice that it needs to be before we go on winter break.

We have a big discussion about the Vee Project. We ultimately decide that there are two main approaches - the old, broken way that Noddy has started (the duplicate forms) and the new, awesome way (the automated flow that Data has been working towards). We know the automated way will take some time, so we decide to start with the old, broken way and we will plan on hooking those forms up to the new, awesome way as we go along.

Which means Noddy's forms will need to be ready to go before we go on break. Noddy is put on notice of this.

Then Product does an odd thing - they give us homework. I suspect Product is having trouble seeing the foundational research that our feature work is grounded on. On Arwafn, for example - Runner and I have interviews and notes, but there are no aggregate documents to show merged findings and trends so that product can see "yes, this feature is well grounded in research." Product wants some of this foundational research written up before we go too much further on the Vee Project. Since time is short - Product asks everyone on the UX team to pick a Vee Project interview and do a write up of data flow and task flow.

This is odd for lots of reasons, but it will get all of UX read into the Vee Project, and it will get Product a better picture of the common user problems coming out of Data's research. Each of us gets an assigned interview and we are told to have them done by the end of the second week of December.

Product sends us an email summarizing the work each of us is accountable for.

"Each of us" includes Noddy.

* * *

With four days to do my homework from Product - I need to listen to the recorded interview, write up some notes and turn them into two documents and post them to the wiki.

This is not hard. The only complication is that I'm really under-informed on the Vee Project. A lot of things that are said are things I am guessing at, or might misinterpret. Since all our documents will be posted on the wiki - I don't want to look stupid.

Neither does anyone else. Designers are a funny lot - and you can tell some of our UX team is sweating this work. Heater is positively terrified. Heater is more of a traditional business analyst, so these documents are way outside their comfort zone. They don't want to fail in front of product and they are coming over repeatedly to see what the rest of us are making - just to be sure. I have a lot of sympathy for Heater.

Noddy, on the other hand, spends most of the week doing their usual - looking busy. They talk with the offshore contractors about Nachen work, but you can tell they are making a meal out of a morsel. When the subject of our homework comes up - Noddy vacillates between saying they are working on it to saying they really need to start working on it. I'm starting to get the feeling they want help with it - and Runner and I are planning on posting our work as close to the due date as possible so Noddy doesn't repurpose ours and turn it in.

(This is how stupid things have gotten with Noddy. I would spend hours helping Heater if they asked for it, but Noddy? They know how to do this work, they just don't want to put effort into it.)

Noddy's going on a weekend getaway the day our homework is due and is complaining about how they haven't packed and how crazy their week is becoming. I just nod and keep on working. Towards the end of Thursday, Noddy is bemoaning all the things they have to do. It's just Noddy and I in the team room and I get the distinct impression that Noddy is working their way up to asking me to do their work for them. They're hoping I'll volunteer - and I pointedly refuse to do that. Earbuds in, head down. Screw you, Noddy. Do your goddamned work. Noddy finally finishes up with, "I guess I'll come in super early and get this done."

This - from a person who hasn't made it into the office before 9:45 in almost a month.

The next day I'm sick as a dog so I work from home - I think little e was sick, too. I'm done with my work but waiting to post it until later in the day. Noddy's flying out mid-day, so they will only be in the office until 11 or so. Given their usual arrival time, they'd better be early if they want to get anything done.

I'm IM'ing Runner on Friday - homework due day - and learn that Noddy rolled in around 10am and has asked Runner to do the work (in sort of a throwaway manner, like "it's not going to get done, unless you do it... *expectant pause*"). Mentally, Runner says F*&% that noise, and keeps to their own work.

At 2:30, I post my work to the wiki, noting that in the slots where Noddy's work would be- there are only <insert file here> tags.

* * *
Tuesday, December 16.

I'm working from home with what I suspect was the flu - and I get IM'ed by Atlas. They're getting the sense that there is some Vee Project work that is slipping and they want to know what I remember from the earlier meeting with Product. They've been trying to get in contact with Noddy, but only got their voicemail.

I'm straining to remember things when Atlas interrupts to say their phone is ringing - "That might be Noddy now."

Fifteen minutes later, I get IM'ed by Noddy.

You may need a glossary for this

• Story = discrete unit of work for development 
• Epic = group of stories that support a common feature 
• RFD = Ready For Development. Story status that means UX is done with it and devs can work on it. 
• Ready for Analysis/In Analysis = story statuses that mean UX is ready to start working on it or is still working on it. Devs consider these stories radioactive, since they don't know what the hell they will turn into yet. 

With that primer, I give you - The Full Noddy...

Noddy [9:17 AM]: murph

murph [9:18 AM]: Hey

Noddy [9:18 AM]: so were you at the meeting yesterday?

murph [9:18 AM]: Which meeting?

Noddy [9:18 AM]: [project]

murph [9:19 AM]: We had a prioritization meeting yesterday - I wasn't invited to a [project] meeting.
What's up?

Noddy [9:20 AM]: evidently there are some [Vee] stories that are neding some [requirements]
that they wanted to take
and was hoping you knew which ones they were

<aside>This is Noddy, asking me to tell them what work they are supposed to get done - on THEIR project. The one they've been on for over three months.</aside>

murph [9:21 AM]: I was linking up stories to the overview page - so in [our project tracker app] if you click on the [Vee] or [Nachen] links you should find lists of stories.
Wait, Product's email might have them. One sec.
Yeah, the email from the 9th. You want me to forward it?

Noddy [9:23 AM]: sure

murph [9:23 AM]: en route now

Noddy [9:25 AM]: hmm

murph [9:25 AM]: I guess it doesn't list exact story numbers, but Product's talking about which features they’re looking for

Noddy [9:26 AM]: just talked to Atlas and they said that I was supposed to have those stories done already and Product clearly has the due date as 12/19....

murph [9:27 AM]: These are just the [Vee Form1 & Vee Form2] - ?
Oh, the [submit data to Nachen], too - that's a beast

Noddy [9:28 AM]: well the [Nachen report] story
which we can't start unless we want to do [2012’s version]

murph [9:28 AM]: Are those done?

<aside>At this point, I was thinking Noddy owed product their data and task flows and a few stories for the Vee Project. Noddy's bringing up the topic of more Nachen work I'd forgotten about.</aside>

Noddy [9:29 AM]: what are those?

murph [9:29 AM]: The [2012’s version] stories

Noddy [9:29 AM]: they were talking about having me do all the leg work the other day
but they would have to give me a format to give it to them in
sounds like they are trying to pawn it off

murph [9:30 AM]: Who is 'they?'

Noddy [9:30 AM]: [the West Coast developers]
with [a former developer] gone
they might not know how to do it now

murph [9:31 AM]: Are the [Nachen reports] RFD (Ready For Development, i.e. done)? How many stories are there?

Noddy [9:31 AM]: just one
if they want me to do the tabulizing then no

murph [9:32 AM]: [Is it West Coast story] #438?

Noddy [9:32 AM]: if they are going to do it then yes for 2012
but we were hoping for 2013 due october 15
but delayed due to [an event in the news that has nothing to do with anything]

murph [9:33 AM]: If 438 is the right [Nachen report] story - it's still listed as In Analysis, so [West Coast] won't even be looking at it

murph [9:35 AM]: Why does it have comments from [a West Coast QA] in it?
Is that even the right story?

Noddy [9:35 AM]: it was a copy from an identical story a few years back

<aside>In other words, "I copied and pasted this story from last year's and didn't bother to remove testing notes or update anything. But it's "Ready For Dev"</aside> 

murph [9:36 AM]: But this is the right one?

Noddy [9:36 AM]: yes, it is

murph [9:37 AM]: It hasn't been touched in 3 months

Noddy [9:37 AM]: they were waiting for the 2013 [version]

murph [9:37 AM]: We have those, right?

Noddy [9:37 AM]: because they didn't want to do it again in a few months
the 2012 yes
had we known Nachen would have pushed this off so far, then maybe we would have taken the story earlier...
but that would have displaced something else we got done

murph [9:39 AM]: Product's asking for 2012 in their email

<aside>You remember earlier? Noddy was saying "they were waiting for the 2013 version. But on December 9th, Noddy was in a meeting with Product where product said "We're so out of date, we can't wait for the 2013 update. We need to put the 2012 updates in asap." Then Product emailed all of us and put Noddy's name by this item as a To-Do. 

Noddy was still waiting for the 2013 update to arrive from Nachen - because it allowed them to continue doing nothing. They've forgotten the meeting, ignored the email and twiddled their thumbs. This is the first moment they are actually reading it and they realize what they've been telling me is total crap. </aside>

Noddy [9:39 AM]: then let's make it so
I asked the [West Coast] team to send me a format for the data if they want to take the story
I just love how noone takes ownership
this is how stuff slips through the cracks

murph [9:40 AM]: Noddy, this is your story. You own it.
If they aren't responding, you need to bug them or raise it as a blocker

Noddy [9:41 AM]: yes, and how many times was it pushed aside

murph [9:41 AM]: With the story In Analysis, no dev is going to touch it

Noddy [9:41 AM]: I rallied for it for 3 months

murph [9:42 AM]: Noddy, looking at Product's email, they’re looking for a lot more than this story.
What do we have that is RFD for Nachen/[Vee]?

Noddy [9:42 AM]: I will have to look

murph [9:43 AM]: I'm looking at the [Vee] feature list now- I don't see anything as RFD.
You had stories with mockups, right? how close are those?

Noddy [9:44 AM]:
Most need a few [requirements] then they are good to go

murph [9:44 AM]: I see 6 stories - did Product want all of them by the 19th?

Noddy [9:44 AM]: I had not added the [requirements] becasue I was told to hold off

murph [9:44 AM]: by who?

Noddy [9:44 AM]: Product
becasue they were the "old broken"
and they wanted us to do the "new awesome"

<aside>This is absolute bullsh!t. Product told Noddy exactly the opposite on the 9th.</aside>

murph [9:45 AM]: Well, they’ve clearly come around - remember that meeting from early Dec? these were the first step towards [Vee]

Noddy [9:45 AM]: now they wants the old broken

murph [9:45 AM]: Then in Jan we were going to hook up the dynamic stuff

Noddy [9:45 AM]: but they has has me tasked on everything else
and Nachen
and [offshore]
and the soup of the day

murph [9:46 AM]: Then the time to cry out isn't three days before they expect this stuff
jesus, Noddy

Noddy [9:46 AM]: just getting [offshore devs] set up

murph [9:46 AM]: What the hell? You'd been doing [Vee] since before thanksgiving
If Product just wants a basic form we could have given them an RFD by now.
What can we give them by Friday?

Noddy [9:47 AM]: I forgot that the [requirements] were not done
I was going to finish it in the next 30 in
min
it is that short

<aside>It is absolutely not that short.</aside>

murph [9:48 AM]: Plus validation, that's not quick.
I didn't think the [Vee form 2] was that short, either.
Do we have all the [latest version of Nachen] stuff?
RFD, I mean?

Noddy [9:48 AM]: [Vee form 2] is not in that path

murph [9:49 AM]: Okay, so no [Vee form 2].
That's good.

Noddy [9:49 AM]: the [latest version of Nachen] stiff that breaks is
I also have other additions that are ready as well

murph [9:49 AM]: What stories for [latest version of Nachen] are RFD?

Noddy [9:49 AM]: gave Product a longlist

murph [9:50 AM]: more importantly, what stories for [latest version of Nachen] aren't RFD and need to be by Friday?

Noddy [9:50 AM]: I will look into it now
make sure that they are ready
and queued up

murph [9:51 AM]: And the [Send data to Nachen], no way that's happening by Friday

<aside>I'm starting to freak out at this point. Product's email has a LOT of action items assigned to Noddy. I knew they were behind on some items, but this is a large wedge of work that looks to be in the ditch.</aside>

Noddy [9:51 AM]: the [Send data to Nachen] stuff is done

murph [9:51 AM]: RFD and good to go?

Noddy [9:51 AM]: that was ready months ago
on the UI side yes

murph [9:52 AM]: Which story is it?

Noddy [9:52 AM]: there are several
search for direct [Send data to Nachen]
there is an epic

murph [9:53 AM]: Epic [under our team project], right?

Noddy [9:53 AM]: lemmie check

murph [9:54 AM]: I see two stories listed as Ready for Analysis, but they have [requirements]

Noddy [9:54 AM]: yes, that looks correct
they are RFD

<aside>This is another pet peve of mine. Noddy doesn't do the work and doesn't progress it properly so the team knows what to do. If the story was marked RFD, somebody downstream would have looked at it by now and we'd know if it needed more work or not. Since it wasn't tagged properly, the evaluation of "is it RFD?" will have to start now. </aside>

murph [9:55 AM]: These look like they need tech review, but [requirements] is a good start

Noddy [9:55 AM]: already went over them with Big Dog and OneTwentyEight

murph [9:55 AM]: Right, but a review with them would be good. They were pinging me yesterday about a story they reviewed over a month ago. They're not going to remember

Noddy [9:56 AM]: Big Dog says we need to meet with the architechture team to decide on a modle to use for hte backend

murph [9:56 AM]: Plus - knowing thiese are up in priority will help them focus on the backend rampup needed.
I don't even know if Big Dog/OneTwentyEight are in later this week

Noddy [9:56 AM]: I have been pushing this for several months and getting blown off

murph [9:57 AM]: Well, your time has come with a vengeance. Acc'ding to Product, this stuff is up

Noddy [9:57 AM]: kinda sucks that the moment I get a few days off they want to focus on in and have me work on it

murph [9:58 AM]: Noddy, Product's email is from the 9th.
This is sudden, but not that sudden

Noddy [9:58 AM]: and I have been swamped with other stuff as well since then

murph [9:59 AM]: I get that, but the time to squawk about that was on the 9th, not the 16th

Noddy [9:59 AM]: I even came in on friday (my first day of PTO) to work on it

murph [9:59 AM]: This is going to be brutal

<aside>This is me freaking out. Product wanted a LOT to be ready and Noddy has practically nothing.</aside>

Noddy [9:59 AM]: how many devs do we have?

murph [10:00 AM]: ?

Noddy [10:00 AM]: are Big Dog and OneTwentyEight working the next two weeks?
How about the [West Coast] devs?

<aside>This is Noddy's smokescreen attempt. "Hey! there won't be devs in the office over the holidays, so my deadlines don't matter."</aside>

murph [10:01 AM]: I dunno, I'm thinking Big Dog is out at least.
But I don't think that's the point - I think Product wanted this stuff in the can prior to the break

Noddy [10:02 AM]: So the programming elves are gooing to be in working on the code then..

murph [10:03 AM]: Noddy, I don't set the deadlines - if you want to debate the due date, take it up with Product. I'm just saying their email says they wants all that by Friday.
If that can't/shouldn't happen - the person who should be advised of that is Product

Noddy [10:03 AM]: OK
I will make it so
and I will talk to them...if they are available

murph [10:04 AM]: Let me know if they change priorities.

Noddy [10:04 AM]: OK
sorry to vent on you

murph [10:04 AM]: No prob.

Noddy [10:05 AM]: are you taking PTO?

<aside>Translation: "Will you be around to help me with these?"</aside>

murph [10:05 AM]: Between Christmas and New Years. Today I'm WFH, because I have the croup-y cough that's going around - and I imagine folks don't want me to share.

<aside>Translation: No Effing Way.</aside> 

Noddy [10:07 AM]: well I have a terrible headache
and need to catch up on my sleep
my flight [home] on Sunday was canceled and I was forced to spend the night in the airport
then fly to [hub city] and take a bus to get home

murph [10:08 AM]: You slept in the [resort town] airport?

Noddy [10:08 AM]: and after a weekedn in [resort town]
no Denver

murph [10:08 AM]: stlll, ick

Noddy [10:08 AM]: yes
fog
closed the airport

murph [10:09 AM]: Good times

Noddy [10:09 AM]: OK, Ill get the [requirements] done for the [Vee] form
that should placate the beast

murph [10:10 AM]: And talk with Product. They need to know what's what.

Noddy [10:10 AM]: yes

* * *

And while that is a lot (an awful lot) the Full Noddy experience is still not complete. Because there is a backstory to that last exchange that you truly need to appreciate.

Noddy's saying how awful their trip back from the resort town was - but I already know. The reason I know is because Runner told me.

How does Runner know about Noddy's crappy flight home?

Because, on Monday (Dec 15th) while Runner was in Tennessee on a site visit - Noddy texted them at 6:15am to tell them that they "wouldn't make it home until the evening" so Noddy wouldn't be in to the office like they'd planned.

Oh, and they wanted Runner to contact Product and tell them that Noddy wouldn't be able to do their homework.

There is so much wrong going on there, I need to unpack that.

1. Texting a co-worker's cell in general - sans prior permission, this is not okay. 
2. Texting a co-worker at 6:15 in the goddamned morning. 
3. Texting a co-worker at 6:15 in the goddamned morning when they are on the road. 
4. Texting a co-worker who is a parent at 6:15 in the goddamned morning when they are on the road. I dunno about you, but if I'm away from home and get a text at 6:15am, I'm thinking somebody's had a car accident, or my kid is missing. 
5. Texting a co-worker to tell them you are going to be out of the office. Seriously, you have a smart phone and NerdHaven has webmail. You need to contact the office? Email your supervisor and your team. Runner isn't your goddamned secretary. 
6. Texting a co-worker to ask them to tell a higher up that you are going to miss a deadline. 
1. Chickenshit. Tell the higher ups your goddamned self. 
2. The work was due the previous Friday anyway, so dude - it's been late for three days now. Like you need another update. 
3. You have a smartphone and webmail - why are you texting a third party, dumbass? 

But the capstone to all of this - the cherry on this sh!tpile sundae, is the reflexive bit of bullcrap that Noddy just couldn't resist laying down. Needlessly, as it turns out.

Noddy texts Runner to say they won't be in to the office until late because of their air travel problems. Runner has a smartphone and checks to see what delays are happening out of [resort town] and finds the flight trackers aren't agreeing with what Noddy's saying. While it's probably true that Noddy slept in the Denver airport like they said, we know for a fact that they made it home during daylight hours.

How? Because Noddy's facebook page shows them in a movie theatre - in town - standing next to some dude dressed as Gandalf.

Noddy's a huge Hobbit fan - and on the 15th the movie theaters were offering a three movie marathon that started around noon. The picture's timestamp shows he was at the theater at 3pm.

Noddy is so epically full of sh!t.

And again, there was no reason to lie. "I'll be out all day" was all he needed to say and that would be the end of it. His homework documents for Product were already late, so having an alibi for Monday doesn't help him a bit. People might have been looking for him, but a simple "I was flying back on Monday" would have covered it. No, he had to make up some dramatic story- and then completely kneecap it with his own stupidity via social media.

So now you know.

That's the Full Noddy. Full throttle awful, all across the board.

And they've been like this ever since I started here. Why UXDir ever put up with this is utterly beyond me.

But the winds of change are blowing - and this latest collapse has not gone unnoticed by the higher ups.

Yesterday, when checked the wiki for Noddy's homework being posted, it still said

<insert file here>

Stay tuned.