AT&T: Pay Us the Money We Owe You

I got a paper bill from AT&T on Friday.

I don't get paper bills from AT&T. It's part of my account preferences.

The paper bill tells me that AT&T owes me $35.12. I'm happy to take their money, but my understanding of things was that I paid my wireless bill and my Uverse bill - and that a small percentage of my landline and old DSL bill would be prorated for Aug 29 - Sept 4. They were going to contact me with the amount that I owed for this small bit of service time.

Instead, I get a paper bill telling me they owe me money.

This makes me think they've misapplied some funds again. Previously, their math said that I was past due and was owed a credit at the same time.

According to AT&T math, this meant I supposedly owed them $183.09.

Let's see what my online account shows now, shall we?

Yes, I still owe $183.09 - but now it's in ORANGE! Progress!

Now, where the heck is my credit that I'm owed...? It should be under the last service in that list - the old landline / DSL account.

Annnnnnd....?

Yes, this account has been cancelled (although I would call it "replaced" or "upgraded").

And somehow we have arrived at a place where: 

AT&T owing me $35.12 = I owe AT&T $183.09 

I'm just hoping they make this make sense before my next bill is due.

Pathetic.

AT&T: You Gotta Admire the Consistency

I realize this is getting tiresome, but it's just amazing how terrible AT&T is at the whole "Let's sign you up as a new Uverse customer" thing.

A few weeks ago, I was sent a flyer offering me $550 worth of gift cards if I signed up for Uverse. As I was only getting $150 worth of gift cards (which have yet to arrive) - I figured I'd call and see if this was a deal I qualified for.

I didn't think the odds were good, but if there was a new deal that could get me more goodies - I figured I'd ask.

I know - Never, never call AT&T if you have anything productive planned for your day.

I know this. Also, I know that if anything good is going to come out of AT&T, you are generally going to have to wade through a river of crap in order to get it.

So I call the number on the flyer for more information.

Short version:

• The phone tree has no option for my "Do I qualify for this?" question
• I'm transferred three times, so in AT&T land that means:
• I repeat my question three times; and
• Establish my identity three times
• Then I'm told that this deal applies to people who aren't getting the deal I have. Were I to forfeit my discount, I could get $550 worth of discounts - but this would mean I would end up paying more for this "gift."

Which means - as expected - this was a waste of time. The capstone on this pile of fail was the attitude I was getting from the rep - who repeatedly said "we send these flyers out to everyone in your area."

Yes, I said, I expect that's why I got one. It has my name on it and offers me a deal that (based on the minimal supporting detail supplied) sounds better than the one I have. It tells me to call. So I have.

Seriously, giving me attitude because I foolishly did why your flyer asked: "Call for Details?"

The rep's position basically amounted to "We send marketing crap to everyone - don't you know not to believe anything we say?"

Ugh.

*    *     *

AT&T Marketing materials are full of crap. So what else is new?

This:

AT&T Math: -$183.09 + $109.76 = -$183.09 
Apparently.

This is my account status according to AT&T. As I pointed out in the prior post - AT&T is capable of adding a new bill instantly - but has trouble canceling out a bill that has already been issued. Even if - as in my case - the new bill is for services that totally replace the services listed in the first bill. As in, these two bills CANNOT both be valid.

Internet and phone for the same phone number. I am not getting two internets and two phone services on the same phone line.

But in AT&T logic - this could be possible and so I have a double bill for internet and phone. I called (*sigh*) to sort this out and was told to pay my Uverse bill and wait for an updated bill for the old phone and internet.

Naturally, my payment for Uverse was applied to my old service bill.

Also - Naturally - my Uverse bill was listed as past due.

*    *     *

Now before any wisenheimers out there point out what is going on - I want to say YES, I KNOW WHY THIS IS HAPPENING.

My old service had an account number. My payments are being sent to that account number.

My new service has a new account number. Payments without this new number will not be applied to the Uverse account.

YES. I GET THAT.

But letting that stand as an excuse or explanation is allowing the stupid to hold the field of battle.

Here's the mental model of a customer

• I am an AT&T customer
• I have one balance for AT&T services
• I log into the AT&T website and it tells me what this balance is
• Each month, I pay this balance.
• One day, I change AT&T service A to AT&T service B
• The End

You will note - it contains no mention of account numbers. I am still a customer of AT&T - with a single address.

AT&T has created two accounts to track my services - which is two more than I want and 1 more than I need.

There should be a parent account record for my household that can hold as many child accounts as AT&T's Byzantine system requires. But I should only have one balance, and payments should update that balance as they are applied. A credit and a balance due should never co-exist on my statement.

Yes, if I drill down into the detail of my balance, I should be able to determine what services cost what. But really, all a user wants to know is - do they owe money or not?

AT&T has created a web interface that (finally!) allows the user to manage all their services under one login - and they keep falling into the habit of keeping everything separate.

Arrgh!

And when you fire up their chat (because calling them is beyond annoying) you are greeted with this:

Hello, logged in user. Who are you? 

And what is your contact info?

I mean, seriously. Yes, I get that a logged in user could be using their spouse's log in, so they might want to ask if this is Susan or Bill - but c'mon! When you are logged in and hit chat - you should go directly to chat. Do not pass 'Go.' And sure as hell, you shouldn't be asked IF you are a customer.

Double ARRRGH!

Here's the chat-drone's response to the situation:

You made the payment towards your old account instead of the new account by mistake. I can get this fixed. I will transfer the payment from the old account to the new account. please give me couple minutes to take care of that for you.

No, I didn't sent the money to the wrong account. I paid AT&T the same way I have for years, and you moved my goalpost.

"Thank you for upgrading your services and being such a valued customer for all these years. Now, who are you? And what should I do with this money you just sent me?"

ARRGH! and ARRRGH! again....

Ryan vs. Bryan

All I Do is B!tch About Telcos

...but only because they so totally suck.

I've tried to take the larger view and say that - yes, in fairness to AT&T - the number of outages I've experienced while paying for their service has been very close to zero.

I'm sure the legion of engineers who work tirelessly at all hours of the night would like to be acknowledged. And they should be. Modern data networks are a hell of a thing. And the one I've been paying for has been there for me with (so far as I remember) total uptime.

And they somehow even find time to route all my data to the DEA. Impressive.

But the squeaky wheel principle applies here. I pay for a utility, I expect it to work. If it doesn't work - why am I paying for it?

24/7 uptime is Par.

So those noble and nameless AT&T engineers need to understand something:

Every other customer touchpoint with AT&T is gutting your company's reputation.

Ask me what I think of AT&T and you're going to get both barrels of pent up resentment.

*    *     *

I'll illustrate this with two personal contacts with AT&T.

And then I'll supplement it with web and phone follow ups.

First, the people. I'll call them Ryan and Bryan.

Bryan arrived on my doorstop unannounced. Bryan was in sales, so if I had known he was coming, I wouldn't have answered the door. But he sung the praises of AT&T uverse with the passion of a new convert to the faith. He smiled. He was funny. And though I believed he was totally full of it - I let him talk, took his materials, and then did my own research on prices and packages.

Ryan on the other hand, was expected.

Ryan's first contact with me was over the phone. He was calling me to let me know he'd be late for the appointment with me.

To appreciate how bad a first impression this is, you'd need to understand some things:

• This would be the appointment Bryan had scheduled for me two weeks earlier
• This would also be the appointment I'd been asked to confirm via text the previous day. And I had.
• This would also be the appointment I'd been asked to confirm via phone the previous day (after I'd confirmed by text). And I had.
• This would ALSO be the appointment I'd been asked to confirm via email the previous day (after I'd confirmed by text and phone).
• This would ALSO be the appointment my wife had been asked to confirm via text and email and Godknows what else.
• And... this would be the appointment I had elected to stay home all morning (unpaid) because my attendance was required.
• FINALLY - it needs to be understood that when I say "appointment" I mean a two-hour block of time. Meaning Ryan could arrive anywhere between 9am and 11am and still be considered "on time."

Ryan was calling me - at 10:45 - to let me know he wasn't going to make it before 11am. He was in another town and was currently an hour away.

Awesome. I could have been working and getting paid until just before lunchtime, but hey, I'm at your service, Ryan. Whatever makes your day easier.

Back to Bryan. Weeks ago, Bryan promised to return after our initial meeting and did (although I was out) so he came back a few days later and I signed up. Bryan assured me that my free installation would cover multiple TVs (even though I only needed one) and that the installer would run Cat-5 anywhere it needed to go in my house. "Plus, your DVR will be wireless, so you can move it around your house if you decide to add a TV or rearrange your house."

Fan-tastic!

When I reacted badly to the $50 activation fee, Bryan whipped out some rebate forms to offset the charges. "Just fill these out and give them to your installer and you'll be set."

See? That's a guy trying right there. Exeunt Bryan.

*Cheers*

Let's return to Ryan.

*Boo!*

Yes, Ryan has royally screwed up first impressions. He does arrive an hour after his phone call, a full 45 minutes after my install window was supposed to end. He's in a truck, wearing a baseball cap and looks irritated.

I point him to all the particulars in my house. The TV case (which I'd helpfully cleared out) the phone setup and where the lines hit my wireless router.

I asked him about running wire to the finished side of the basement. Ryan looked at me like I was talking Greek. "Just the one TV, right?"

Uh, I was told you could run wire to other rooms in my house. 

"I'll run it anywhere you need it to connect to the one TV."

Now, I know sales guys are full of it - and sales guys from AT&T doubly so. So this wasn't much of a shock. I'd asked because it would be nice, but once I confirmed that wiring for uverse TV was just running Cat-5, I knew I could do it (with help). I ask Ryan about the gateway they'll be installing and if I'll be able to keep my current router (which I love). He says he'll try, but that he typically doesn't install a device inside the house and hasn't had much luck when he tried in the past.

*Sigh*

I point out what I currently have for Ethernet and DSL. Ryan scratches his head figuring out where the wires needed to go and I get out of his way. In about an hour he's drilling a hole in the side of my house and telling me he's going to run a new wire from the pole to my house.

"Don't worry, though. In seven to ten days, some guys will come by and bury the cable. I'll leave plenty of slack in case you need to mow."

*Sigh*

So, now there's a black cable snaking around my back yard - with "caution" flags tied to it every few feet so it's extra visible and unsightly.

And then Ryan shows up with the hardware and starts hooking up the TV. He unpacks an impressively compact device that I think might be the wireless DVR.

Is that the wireless DVR?

"It's the DVR, yeah."

This is AT&T, so I ask again to make sure I heard that omission correctly.

It's a wireless DVR?

"No. It's wired to Ethernet."

I was told I'd get a wireless DVR.

"We do wireless DVRs only if we have major issues running the wires in the house. I don't have one in my truck."

*Sigh*

Honestly, at this point - I'm not sure a wireless DVR is truly a plus. The signal could be worse for all I know. All I do know is that Bryan told me I would get one, and now I won't.

At 1:30pm (that would be five an a half hours of missed work, for those of you keeping track) Ryan calls me in to show me that the TV is connected. I channel surf and managed to screw up the input settings and Ryan has to show me how to change inputs using a button combination I wouldn't have thought of (for the standard remote: Hit "TV" then quickly hit "TV/Video" to move between inputs).

By the time I've managed to realize that I'm subscribing to over 300 channels, but my TV is connected to 678 channels (meaning half my channels connect to a "You are not subscribed to this channel" message), Ryan is back with paperwork.

Ah, yes! I need to give him my rebate paperwork!

I quickly dig out the rebate forms Bryan gave me and give them to Ryan.
Ryan looked at them like they were written in Greek.

"I've never taken paperwork from a customer. I have no idea what to do with those."

*Sigh*

Ryan gives me paperwork, though. Owners manuals, legal stuff, channel guides and an info sheet about my AT&T Gateway device. Turns out he was able to get it connected just fine. My old router is still up and running (meaning none of my devices have to have their network settings changed - SCORE! I'm looking at YOU, Canon wireless printer...).

Better still, Ryan has copied down the Byzantine collection of codes, IPs and other network voodoo that I can use to configure my AT&T gateway like it was my 2nd router. SCORE!

I check my network download and upload speeds, they're where they're supposed to be. SCORE!

Ryan apologizes again for being late and about the rebates. He writes down two numbers to call about them and suggests trying one of them first "I've had better luck with them."

And then he shakes my hand and is off to his next install.

It's 1:50.

I've missed most of a workday (unpaid) and I have a single TV connected and high speed internet.

Let's review. Who was the bigger fail here, Bryan or Ryan?

No contest really. Bryan.

Bryan promised a bunch of things that were never going to happen. Running wire all through my house (hah!), the wireless DVR, and the rebates being handled by the installer.

The rates and channels came through, but I'd confirmed them with AT&T over the phone, so I knew those were going to happen. All the other stuff Bryan promised turned out to be hot air.

Ryan, on the other hand, was late. But he gets jobs from the AT&T mothership that (for some reason) decided to give my install to a guy 50 miles away 15 minutes before the install window was up.

That's not on Ryan. Ryan's just the guy holding the bag when AT&T (per usual) does something stupid. Further, Ryan listened to my request to keep my old router running and made it happen. Then he followed up with all the admin information I needed, made sure I understood what I was looking at and even gave me a 2nd remote.

He made good out of a bad situation. Yes, I missed a half day of work, but Ryan's not the guy to scream at for that. AT&T's mothership screwed that up royally.

*    *     *

I called Bryan the following day to check on my rebates. The installer guy didn't take them. What do I do?

Bryan was unhelpful. "Oh, yeah. They changed how those work right before your install, so now you have to send them in."

Except Bryan forgets that I can read. One form is from Starz, the other is from Showtime. Both forms say that they should be mailed in along with three months worth of bills showing you are a paid subscriber.

There is no possibility that I was going to get my installer to take these forms, because my installer would not have had three months of bills to send in with them.

Bryan is not good at customer service, because he does not have to be. But he has clearly mastered what he needs to sell subscriptions: Bryan is good at lying.

I hung up on Bryan, because there was no way to fix that. Sure, I'll complain to AT&T about this, but they'll echo Ryan's dismissal of the problem "The sales guys are contractors, they don't even work for AT&T."

No, but they show up to your house wearing shirts that say "AT&T." And their voicemail says "This is Bryan with AT&T," so I can't see why people would blame AT&T for their crappy service...

*    *     *

A few days after my install, I was robo-called out of the blue by AT&T to ask how my install went. It was a tedious IVR menu and took way too long, but I believe in feedback.

I graded my installation taking care to point out that my installer was fine as a person, but that I was dissatisfied with my install because it began 45 minutes later than it was supposed to. I asked to be called personally to offer follow up details.

Naturally, this being AT&T - I was called by Ryan's supervisor who wanted to know the details of why I thought Ryan was a terrible installer.

I explained that Ryan was a total pro - and that my problem was with the overall scheduling process and with the sales person promising me stuff that didn't materialize.

I could tell this was not what this guy was calling me for. I was only supposed to be grading Ryan and this call was all about the performance of him as an individual.

And this is where I lost it (because, with AT&T, you always get to this point eventually). I'm not sure of my exact words, but I tried to hit three main points:

• When you only ask for feedback on a SMALL part of a user experience, you make your customers feel like you don't care about their problems.

• When you discard negative user feedback because it falls outside of your intended question - you are allowing problems to persist.

• Repeatedly reminding customers to be on time when your employees arrive late tells customers they need to care about your time more than you need to care about theirs.

The man was nice, sympathetic even... but I doubt those comments will filter out of a channel that is only designed to provide the mothership with Ryan=Good or Ryan=Bad.

Ryan? If you get hosed, I'm sorry. I tried to make it clear to your boss.

*    *     *

But it's done. Right? I spend about 20 minutes manually hiding the 300+ channels that I don't subscribe to, yet still appear as selectable options on my receiver.

Then I spend another half an hour hiding BS channels like Home Shopping Network and anything that starts with "uverse"

And finally, I dial in the parental controls for the phalanx of age inappropriate material that my set now has access to.

Sidebar: I miss TiVO's KidZone. KidZone created two pools of access. One for kids, one for adults. When you started using the TV, TiVO assumed you were a kid and filtered accordingly. If you wanted to see all content, you entered a code - once - and weren't bothered again until you turned the machine off or manually re-entered KidZone. 

Uverse does the exact opposite: You lock categories of content (TV MA, PPV, R rated movies) and anytime you try to access them, you are prompted for a password. Which means adults browsing their channels soon wish they are dead - as each new movie channel demands a password just to display a title. Never mind the fact you just entered the same password 15 seconds ago for ENC, oh no, ENC-WEST won't show you its stuff until it knows who you are...   

Being AT&T, though they cannot leave awful alone. They have to go for maximum user pain. 

Here's the unlock sequence for AT&T uverse:

• Select Channel
• See message saying "This Content is Locked"
• Hit "OK"
• See passcode prompt "Enter Passcode"
• Enter 4 digit passcode
• Hit "Enter"
  
  -that should be it, right? But no.
   
• See prompt "Unlock this content?" Don't Unlock / Unlock
  
  and here's the kicker....
   
• "Don't Unlock" is the default selection!!

Yes, Having selected a channel repeatedly and having entered in a 4 digit passcode correctly AND hitting ENTER, it's a good assumption that I DON'T WANT TO UNLOCK THIS CHANNEL 

WHOEVER CODED THAT NEEDS TO BE PUT IN SOLITARY WITH AT&T UVERSE WHERE EVERY CHANNEL MUST BE UNLOCKED. 

Seriously. 

Oh but there's more!!! If you unlock a channel and leave it, it will re-lock in 30 minutes, meaning there's a good chance if you're bopping back and forth to check on the box score, you'll have to unlock the same channel repeatedly.
WAY TO FAIL, UVERSE!!!

JEEZUS.

Allright. Rant over.

....

...

..

.

Well, not really.

I'm trying to get ahead of the family finances and I'm trying to schedule my bill payments for the next month. I log in to att.com and (I will spare you the story of how annoying it was to set up my 2nd AT&T email account AND connect my uverse account to my existing att.com account - the nicest thing I can say is that it ultimately did work.)

I logged in and initially, I couldn't see my bill amount. Which made some sense, since I'd only just connected my uverse account to my other services on the att.com website.

But I came back a few days later and saw that my bill had been updated to $201.29. I scheduled the payment and went on my way.

But it later occurred to me that might not be correct. I mean, I'm supposed to be getting billed $110 for my cable/phone/internet WITH a $49 activation (but NOT installation!) fee. So, I should be getting $160 or so just from cable/phone/internet and there's no way my wireless bill is just $40.

I log back in to see if my bill has been adjusted.

It has. It's now $384.38.

Ah, that's better...

Wait, what the screaming hell?

Now anyone who is currently an AT&T customer knows what is going on here, and I had a reasonable suspicion. But until I actually confirmed it, somehow I refused to think it was actually happening.

I got my uverse install on September 4.

Looking at that portion of my bill I'm seeing stuff that makes sense:

That's my uverse bill that starts on 9/5.

Here's the portion for my phone line:

I'm being billed $31.39 for my uverse phone line.

Looking elsewhere in my att.com account, I find I'm still being billed for my old phone service, which was supposed to end and be replaced by the new bill on 9/4. But it hasn't...

Being AT&T, they've done this for my internet service as well. So I'm being billed $38.16 for uverse internet and $37.98 for my old DSL internet.

Way to go, AT&T!!

Again, the hard-working install guys and AT&T engineers need to gang up and beat the crap out of the billing, scheduling, sales and web folks in their company. Because those folks are seriously ruining any chance they have of working for a respected company.

(Well, that and the whole collusion with the NSA thing, but y'know - one thing at a time...).

I called AT&T to get this sorted out and - get this - their suggestion was to pay the bills and they would credit my account after the fact.

The "Pay us more than you owe, and we'll get back to you" plan.

Screw that.

Then the AT&T rep suggested that an adjusted bill would be coming the next month, but that I might see late charges if I waited until then.

I suggested - politely - that that was utter bullsh!t.

I believe I said "if you can tell me what the bill should be, I could pay now."

Naturally, they couldn't. So they logged a dispute on my bill so there wouldn't be a late fee (they said) and now I will pay just my wireless bill and wait for the real bill to show up.

Incredible.

A system that is perfectly capable of adding a pro-rated bill to an account cannot adjust an existing bill when that account has services discontinued.

Because - Stupid. That's why.

If it doesn't involve maintaining wires - AT&T stinks at it. Technical proficiency with ZERO people skills.

Wait, they're just like...

-like an engineer!

...

..

.

You don't suppose...

Nah, couldn't be.






It would make too much sense.

Pair Bonded

I like to throw my mail away before I get to the house. Saves me time.

Mail goes into three categories:

1. Crap - 80% (Bin it)
2. Bill - 19% (Groan and bring inside)
3. Actual communication from a human being I want to hear from - 1% (Dance around while choirs of angels part the clouds with song)

This crap-to-content ratio is one of the many reasons I've been ignoring my cable, Internet and phone service options. I just don't want to read it.

IMPORTANT INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR... 

*Binned*

FOR OUR VALUED CUSTOMER-

*Binned*

YOU MAY BE PAYING TOO MUCH FOR-

*Binned*

This is where communication has sunk to - at least where it comes to cable & telecom. 

I don't believe them. At all.

So, they - like the quintessential American abroad - just talk louder.

I've gotten full color 8x11 envelopes chock full of glossy pictures of happy people posing in front of electronic devices. Yea! We love our faceless utility provider of choice! They are far superior to all others!

I've gotten envelopes disguised as hand-written notes. "From a Friend at AT&T." 

I have no friends at AT&T.

I get phony credit cards promising me savings. Postcards, fold out brochures.

*Binned*

Because every time I think about changing cable and phone service I just want to hit someone. It's a can of freaking worms and getting the truth out of a piece of telco marketing material is only slightly more impossible than reaching an intelligent and informed human being at said telco.

Your call is important to us.

No, it bloody well isn't. Neither is providing accurate pricing information in written form. Thirty full-color pages of fluff, but not a jot about what additional fees come standard with your order.

With EVERY order. 

"Well, that would change by region." 

Yes, I'm sure it would. And when it changed, you could print it out and include it in your materials, no? Whassa matter? Printer no workey when it's not printing out craptacular, fact-free brochures?

You may have noticed, I'm a little irritated. But then, AT&T and I have a long history of pain together.

The other day, AT&T did something that caught me off guard: they sent a human being to my door.

Which is ten times more annoying than sending me mail or calling my house.

But you can't bin a human being - and it's ever so much harder to hang up on them.

AT&T person was a big, young man - chock full of pat lines and zingers to establish a rapport with me.

I opted for the direct route. "What does it cost? Choice of services is all about money."

Which is true. I've been on DSL for an embarrassingly long time - so there is no level of Internet that isn't superior to mine.

He rattles off a combined rate for cable/Internet/phone (the unholy trinity) for $115 dollars a month. And you just have to swear to pay that for two years. 

Free Installation!

But you have to use our gateway device (and rent it forever - the fee's included)

And you get a DVR (free!)

And we'll give you a $150 gift card!

And...!

*Sigh*

I take the man's name and info and send him on his way. Because there is no way to have this conversation without doing battle with the beast. There are too many ways for a telco/cableco to screw their customer. Teaser rates, varying speeds, expanded basic, 200 channels, 300 channels. You almost never end up with apples to apples.

Sidebar: I went to their channel listing to see about the difference between the 200 channel package and the 300 channel package. 

The U200 has 275 channels

• 3 are described as applications (Apps on TV, not really a channel)
• 16 Childrens channels
• 10 International channels
• 58 Music channels
• 24 Operating System (by this, I mean things like messages and "how to use your DVR")
• 10 Religious channels
• 2 Scenery channels
• 8 Schedule channels (what is playing on your 'actual' channels)
• 34 Shopping channels
  
  This adds up to 
• 165 CRAP Channels
  in other words,
• 60% of the U200 package is CRAP

The U300 has 339 channels:

• 3 Application 'channels'
• 19 Childrens channels
• 14 International channels
• 67 Music channels
• 24 Operating System channels
• 10 Religious channels
• 2 Scenery channels
• 8 Schedule channels
• 34 Shopping channels
  
  This adds up to
  
• 181 CRAP channels
  in other words,
• 53% of the U300 package is CRAP

Now, don't get me wrong - I've got nothing against religion, but the one thing you can say that holds true across all religions: they don't make good TV. 

Likewise children's channels. Most are some cartoon re-run death spiral, or Disney farm league. I won't watch them & I won't let them melt my kids brains. 

And while 'international' would seem unfairly classified as crap, a channel broadcast entirely in Spanish is not really a channel I'm going to get a lot of value out of. Sure, if there's a good soccer match on Univision - I'd watch it - but most of the games I'd watch will be on other channels in English.  

Hundreds of channels! Quothe the brochure... But really - 34 freaking shopping channels? 8 channels that just tell you what's on? 67 channels devoted to music? 

 The U300 has movie channels - that and 7% less crap as a percentage is the selling point. Although that's before you factor in that the U300 contains utter throwaway channels like CNBC World. 

I want you to picture the person who ups their cable package to get CNBC World.

<Barf sound>.

I digress...

In my head, I was spending about $26 a month for my landline and about $30 a month on DSL.

I knew cable was around $70 a month and on top of that - we were paying for TiVO at $12.95 a month.

So. $26 + $30 + $70 + $12.95 = $138.95

However. I've been tracking my household bills using Google Drive for awhile now and had just re-itemized things, so I could get an accurate comparison without having to dig out bills by month. Everything was already in my spreadsheets.

Turns out I was actually paying $34 for my landline per month.

My Internet was actually $38 a month.

My cable was $74.59 a month.

TiVo was correct at $12.95 a month.

So, I'm paying about $160 a month for phone / Internet / cable.

Out of sight, out of mind. They hook you up to their services with a bang, and then slowly ratchet up the rate. Over time, you only remember what it used to cost.

A few other things jumped out at me from this quick check: 

My landline costs $28 a month, but the fees and taxes bump it up to $34. That's almost a 20% increase. They can say my base rate stayed the same, but I end up paying more because some "fees" increased over time.

*sigh*

My cable company charged 15% over the base rates for their taxes and "fees" and only TiVO charged me the listed price and nothing else.

Assuming a similar fee spread on this new rate, I'd end up with a monthly bill of about $128 a month. I'd get more channels, and way faster Internet.

*sigh*

This should be happy news, but these things are never seamless. 

I'll lose my recorded DVR content from TiVO. 

I'm not convinced my rotary phone will continue to work (despite the assurances from the AT&T guy).

I love my wireless router - can I keep it? AT&T guy didn't know.

And there's a history of last minute surprises when it comes to installs. My last cable guy showed up with a cable converter (that they would rent to me) despite my being promised I didn't need one and wouldn't get one.

Pay less for more, and all I can think is "How is this going to go south?"

This is the state of the modern broadband consumer. Unswerving fatalism.

AT&T guy returns later on and offers me an even better deal (oooh! tell us, do!) He'll offer me $110 a month and throw in an additional $25 gift card.

The gift card is meh, but lowering a monthly rate is actual money. I've wanted to fire my cable company for awhile and - yes - I actually agree to this foolishness.

The sign up procedure (with a rep in my house) involves forms in triplicate and calling the AT&T mothership because - HEAVEN FORBID - you have an interaction with AT&T that isn't "recorded for quality purposes."

I get some guy with a lisp who asks if he wants him to repeat my agreed on rate or do I want the guy in my kitchen to do it.

Memo to AT&T: this is an inhuman question, completely severed from any norms of communication. Any thinking person is going to respond with "What the hell are you talking about?"

As a UX guy, I just have to ask: Why is this step necessary? Surely someone will tell me the price, and it will be the same as before, right?

But trust is absent from this process. I'm being recorded, lest I sue and claim fraud later - and so I ask the guy on the phone to repeat the price, reasoning that it will be recorded (on their tape, to which I will have no access - ever) and then they mention the activation fee. 

It's $49.

This is the first time anyone has ever mentioned the existence of such a fee. I repeatedly grilled the AT&T guy in my kitchen about installation fees and what would and would not be covered by my free installation. I was repeatedly assured that there would be no charge for my installation.

At no time did this person mention that there would be an activation fee.

Because, why would you, really? I mean there must be dozens of people who asked for equipment to be installed but not activated, right?

Why are we even talking about this?

AT&T guy gets my whatTheF*#@AreYouTalkingAbout vibe pretty quick and he swiftly tacks into "but since I said your installation would be free, here's a rebate form that you can give the installer that will totally offset the activation fee." 

Yes, because a future handoff of paperwork to a man I've not met, for the promise of a six week delivery of a $50 rebate is almost the same thing as an up front payment of $49.95 to AT&T on my next bill.

AT&T? This is one of the many reasons people hate you so much. Because nothing feels above board with you. Of course you could have mentioned this earlier, but you chose not to.

Of course you could have made "free installation" be exactly what it sounded like, but you chose not to.

At some undetermined time in the future, I'm going to get a postcard, or similarly innocuous piece of "please-throw-me-away" mail that will actually contain my $150 gift card. If I (or another member of my family) throw it away by accident - well, TOO BAD.

The additional $25 gift card "sweetener" will arrive (or not) the same way.

And the $50 rebate will do the same. 

Assuming the installer takes my paperwork and doesn't lose it.

Is there a way to check on the status of these things? Who the hell knows?

Multiple chances to NOT get what I've been promised by AT&T guy. Even if everything goes well, I get to be on tenterhooks (make sure I have copies, checking the mail daily) so I get something you could have simply credited to my account. 

YES - I know these rebates are from other companies, but roll it up and make it happen for the customer, already. Why does the customer have to be part of this process?

-because that way less people actually get what we promise them.

Yes, I know that - but how is that advancing your brand? 

AT&T: Watch us like hawks, and things just might work out.

It's always like this with you guys. ALWAYS.

When all is said and done, I'm going to be hooked up to AT&T for another two years and I will actually be saving money from what I used to pay. But you've managed to turn that into a total annoyance fest anyway.

Arrgh!

Postscript:

What actually prompted this post was my calling my current cable company to tell them to end my service.

Because I hate calling them, I'd tried to use their website to end service - but (naturally) their site doesn't support that.

Calling them put me into the hold queue and they asked me to key in my account number. Which I don't know. Not to worry, I could key in the phone number on the account. I have 4 phone numbers and have no idea which they have on my account. There is no menu item for this.

I stay on the line until they route me to a human being (after a five minute wait). I'm asked my name and my account number. I give them my name and tell them I don't have my account number.

For some reason, this stymies them and so (I wish I was kidding) I return to their website while they wait and I log in to get my account number. Then I read it out to them and they say - thanks - I'll transfer you to services.

Before I can yell at them, I'm on hold again. 

The next human I get asks for my name. 

PRO TIP: Once a customer has authenticated, they shouldn't have to again.

So I give them my name and they (wonder of wonders!) look up my account with just that info.

When I tell them that I'm discontinuing service - the questions begin. "Why are you leaving?" "Who are you going with?" "Have you seen our latest offerings?"

Okay, cable guys: By the time the customer has called you to cut off service - THE INK IS DRY on a contract making them financially obligated to some other firm. There is no saving this account.

But no, cable guy tries to win me back until I finally lose my temper and tell him that the decision is made. End of story.

I repeat myself "I need my service to end as of this date. Are we done?"

Cable guy seems miffed, "I just need you to hang on while I..."

Once again, this is another pet peeve of mine: I've authenticated and told the rep what I want. Why do I need to "hang on" while this drone types my request into their system? 

End my service. Email me (using the address you have on file) when it's done. *click*

Cable guy tells me that if I hang up, he'll just get another call and won't be able to process my request.

Because that makes sense. To him. And no one else.

I tell him I'll wait but that I don't need to hear any sales talk. He puts me on hold until he's done.

There. Unpleasant for everyone. Success.

A few minutes of hold later. I'm done with cable.

TiVO's website also doesn't have a cancel service option (no surprise). What is surprising is that calling them puts me on hold for ten minutes. 

When I finally get through, I get the same "Why are you leaving?" pleas, but Mr. TiVO is decent enough to let it go when I say that I've signed a contract with another company. 

Boom. Done.

And I'm on rails with AT&T for the next two years. 

And if I bail out early, they can charge me $180.

Do you see this, world??? This is me winning.

(Now why don't people re-evaluate their cable / phone / internet providers more often? I wonder...)

AT&T is Not A Person...

...which would explain their consistent inhumanity to man.

Point being, a unanimous Supreme Court ruled today in FCC v. AT&T (No. 09-1279) that corporations do not have personal privacy rights.

That anything should slow the legal march towards corporate personhood is more than a little stunning, but here's the kicker: The Chief Justice even served up a bit of judicial snark:

The protection in FOIA against disclosure of law enforcement information on the ground that it would constitute an unwarranted invasion of personal privacy does not extend to corporations. We trust that AT&T will not take it personally.

Zing!

(H/t Mom)

AT&T? I Think I've Found Which Half of Your Marketing Budget is Being Wasted

Hot on the heels of AT&T being declared the worst cell carrier, I've decided to re-up for another two years with them (courtesy of my iPhone).

So, today I'm logging in to pay this month's bill and I experience something that can only happen at a fortune 500 company.

Let's set the scene...

I hit the AT&T log in screen:

The ice princess will see you now

and instead of the dashboard screen of my current balance, etc, I'm shown the following:

We interrupt your attempt to give us money,
to bring you the following...

I have to believe that the vast majority of users will simply click the (understated) link that will take them into their account, but I've heard some buzz that telcos are trying "mea culpa" marketing strategies and I'm wondering if AT&T is one of them.

After the crap they've put me through...I'd like to hear them grovel.

So, I click on the "Learn More" button - and I'm taken to this:

Thank you for logging in.
Now.... who are you and what do you want?

This is a seriously WTF page. I've logged in, asked for more information about upcoming changes to my account manager - and they're asking me if I'm an existing customer.

Worse, they want me to enter my phone number - manually.

I've fricking logged into your website, you know my damn number. Oh, and is this for a personal account? I don't know maybe you could remember how I got here:

But okay, this is AT&T - the land where the left hand doesn't know if the right hand even exists.

I check Personal account, enter my home phone number, and press 'Go.'

Then I see this:

Okay, three bullet points saying my account manager will do the same things it does now, only with a new look.

Whoopee. Oh, there's a video, too.

I click the video - expecting to see a sneek preview of what I can do online.

And here's the AT&T treatment in full flower: the video is 17 seconds long.

Here is the script in its entirety:

"Soon your internet and home phone account management will have new features and a new look.  Managing your account online will be more convenient than ever. Check back to see how we're making online account management easier for you."

Basically a video version of a bad powerpoint presentation - sans actual content.

Blah, blah, blah... but with pictures!

Eleven seconds into the video, you see a peephole glimpse of what a new page might look like

- for less than three seconds.

Roll credits. Fin.

This is what passes for marketing/customer outreach at AT&T apparently. Think of the dollars they wasted on this mess. Somebody proposed this, got it greenlighted and then paid developers to code, test, and deploy.

All to direct paying customers to a 17 second POS video whipped together by marketing's pet monkey.

And as a customer, I have learned what? That their website will change, in some unknown way, at some unknown time in the future.

Speaking as a person who helped pay for this - I'd like to offer my suggestions:

1. If your content amounts to "check back later" - I don't need to have a video. I'd argue you don't need to bother me at all, actually.
2. If you can't tell me anything concrete - maybe you souldn't interrupt me like this is breaking news. Just because CNN does it doesn't mean you should. A banner ad would have sufficed.
3. If you are going to interrupt a logged in customer, perhaps you should not ask them to fill out a form to direct them to your "content"

Frankly, the AT&T website experience isn't all that terrible unless you leave whatever silo you happen to be in. AT&Ts account manager allows me to do the basics quite well. Log in, pay the bill (or copy the amount and pay from my bank's website). These are basics - I'm not sure what more the website would do for me (other than summarize my bill better - oh, and beat the living F&**# out of whoever wrote their biling software).

AT&T's website tanks horribly any time you want lateral movement in the site. AT&T has no end of fault lines and every link runs the risk that the new page has no idea who the hell you are.

They want to impress me - they could work on that problem.

I'd watch a video about them fixing that. Hell, I might even congratulate them. I know that kind of fix is brutal.

But I know AT&T as well - and I think the odds are good that we'll get a lot more 17 second videos before we'll see any progress on stuff that customers actually give a crap about.

The AT&T Experience

Since I went to electronic bill pay - my finances have gotten a lot easier to keep track of. Virtually all of my vendors can be switched to my credit card for automatic payment.

I have four that can't - so I have a monthly reminder to log into their sites and view my statements - then I schedule my payments and forget about them for another month.

Yes, I could allow these vendors to simply draw on my accounts automatically but there are good reasons why I don't do this.

1 of them doesn't have this capability
1 of them is my credit card company. Since a lot of other bills get routed there - it makes a lot of sense to be on top of this bill so I can keep abreast of what is going on.
1 is the cable company. As all cable companies are b@stards - I don't allow them anywhere near my accounts.

The last is AT & (effing) T.

They are also a manual pay vendor, since there's no way to trust them.

But AT&T apparently isn't content with merely being untrustworthy - they go the extra mile to bollocks things up.

This month's reminder arrives and I log into AT&T's website and see an amount that is 60 dollars more than usual.

Naturally, I have questions about this. Clicking on the bill detail - I'm given a message that says the detail for this bill is not yet available.

Great. AT&T knows I owe them X amount of dollars, yet is unable to itemize it.

The due date is still weeks out, so I figure I'm just ahead of their system and log out. I'll try in a few days.

A few days later, I get an email that says this:

Now, in that message are two things I don't like: A bill amount that is more than usual - and a snarky message telling me to pay my past due amount immediately next to a due date that is weeks away.

Sure, I might have screwed up, so I need to see the bill detail - which is apparently ready to view.

Great

I hit their website, log in and...

When we said your bill was ready, we didn't mean you could see it..

Yes, I'm sure their billing dept isn't coordinated with whatever technical glitch spawned this message - but still. Settling my bill is a matter of some urgency for me - and AT&T is making this take days.

Yes, I could call them - but if I've learned one thing about AT&T in the two years I've been a customer it's this:

If you have a problem with the phone company- the absolute worst thing you can do is call them.

As AT&T goes, this is a rather small issue - but consider: I was ready to pay before they nagged me. I was especially ready to pay after they nagged me.

And now I'll wait.

Again.

AT&T: wasting your time, for no good reason

(A spin off of the AT&T saga, I, II, & III)

The other day, I'm filling in a spreadsheet of our monthly expenses - something I always start, but never seem to finish to my satisfaction.

You start with the things that break down easily into months (mortgage, utilities, burritos...) and gradually work towards the squishier aspects of the budget (groceries, gasoline, car repair).

But it's not rocket science. I'm banging through the utility portion when I get to my cell bill.

I have AT&T.

In the normal run of things - I'd look at my last bill and take the monthly amount and punch it in. I don't have a paper bill anymore, so the next step is the website.

In the ideal world, this is a three step process.

1. Go to vendor's website
2. Log in
3. View last bill

Done.

The AT&T universe has many fault lines and so has multiple log ins. I've had as many as 5. AT&T is trying to simplify things, but it's clear they're not there yet.

Welcome to AT&T, please select an arbitrary partition.

AT&T offered me the option to combine my phone/internet and wireless bills last year. About the third time I tried, they let me. This process took two months. Apparently, billing happens in cycles - and nothing is immediate.

Whatever. I'll log in, view the wireless portion of my bill and be done.

Except the wireless bill is $104.14.

This is not right. That has never been my monthly rate. I go into the detail on the bill and (over the course of scanning a seven page document) discover that my current wireless bill is a combination of the prior billing period and the current one.

This takes some doing.

By asking to combine my bills, I have created a break between the old way of doing things and the new way.

AT&T's process deals with that by rolling a pro-rated bill for December (as of when I decided to combine bills) and my January bill.

If a normal company wanted to show you your bill, they might do it like this:

December (pro-rated) -     $47.03 [Show detail]
January            $57.11 [Show detail]

But this is AT&T, I get $104.14 as a single, linked line item.

Clicking on that, I get:

        Combined Billing took effect on Dec 19, 2008.          

        To align the Wireless Billing Cycle more closely          

        With other Combined services, the next Wireless          

        Billing Cycle Will begin on Dec 29, 2008.          

       

        Wireless Summary - [ACCOUNT #]

   

        Cycle Dates: Nov 29, 2008 - Dec 28, 2008          

               

                   

             Promotions and Discounts                     $3.20CR          

             Monthly Service                             $39.99          

             Credits, Adjustments and Other Charges       $3.97          

             Data Usage                                   $6.27          

             Total Wireless Charges                      $47.03          

       

        Mobile Charges Summary

   

        [Phone # 1] Group: 1          

             [USER 1]         

             Promotions and Discounts                     $0.53CR          

             Monthly Service                              $6.66          

             Credits, Adjustments and Other Charges       $0.78          

             Data Usage                                   $0.80          

             Charges for this mobile                      $7.71          

        [Phone # 2] Group: 1          

             [USER 2]          

             Promotions and Discounts                     $2.67CR          

             Monthly Service                             $33.33          

             Credits, Adjustments and Other Charges       $3.19          

             Data Usage                                   $5.47          

             Charges for this mobile                     $39.32          

       

        Group Usage Summary - Group: 1

   

        Voice          

        Rollover Summary          

             Previous Balance                             3,433          

             Unused Minutes Added                           411          

             Minutes Expired (*)                           -304          

             Current Rollover Balance                     3,540          

             (*) Unused Plan Minutes Expired          

             After 12 Billing Periods          

        [MYSTERIOUS NUMBER]          

                    211 Minutes Used by              [Phone # 1]          

                    118 Minutes Used by              [Phone # 2]          

                    329 Minutes Used by This Group          

                    550 Minutes Included          

       

        [Phone # 1] - [USER 1]

   

        Promotions and Discounts          

             National Account Discount     .53     CR

        Total Promotions and Discounts     .53     CR

       

        Monthly Service          

             New Bill Cycle 12/29-01/18          

             [MYSTERIOUS NUMBER]     6.66    

                   

             Proration Calculation          

                Monthly Service Charge                    $9.99          

                Divided by Avg days in Month         /       30          

                Times Days On New Cycle              X       20          

                Equals New Cycle Prorated Charge     =    $6.66          

             Part of this month was spent on the New Bill Cycle          

             Charges apply for those days.          

             Dollars are rounded to the next whole cent.          

                   

        Total Monthly Service     6.66    

       

                   

        Credits, Adjustments and Other Charges          

             Regulatory Cost Recovery Charge     .20    

             County Sales Surcharge     .03    

             Federal Universal Service Charge     .19    

             [State] State Sales Surcharge     .36    

        Total Credits, Adjustments and Other Charges     .78    

       

                   

        Voice Usage Summary          

        Unlimited Expd M2M          

                     23 Minutes Used          

        Rollover FM 550          

                     89 Minutes Used          

        Unlimited N&W          

                     99 Minutes Used          

        Total Voice Usage Summary     .00    

       

        Data Usage Summary          

        Text Msg Pay Per Use          

                      4 Text Messages Used          

                      4 Billed at  $0.20/Msg     .80    

        Total Text Msg Pay Per Use     .80    

       

        Total Data Usage Summary     .80    

       

        Total for  [Phone # 1]     7.71    

       

        [Phone # 2] - [USER 2]

   

        Promotions and Discounts          

             National Account Discount     2.67     CR

        Total Promotions and Discounts     2.67     CR

       

        Monthly Service          

             New Bill Cycle 12/29-01/18          

             [MYSTERIOUS NUMBER]     33.33    

                   

             Proration Calculation          

                Monthly Service Charge                   $50.00          

                Divided by Avg days in Month         /       30          

                Times Days On New Cycle              X       20          

                Equals New Cycle Prorated Charge     =   $33.33          

             Part of this month was spent on the New Bill Cycle          

             Charges apply for those days.          

             Dollars are rounded to the next whole cent.          

                   

        Total Monthly Service     33.33    

       

                   

        Credits, Adjustments and Other Charges          

             Regulatory Cost Recovery Charge     .20    

             County Sales Surcharge     .19    

             Federal Universal Service Charge     .94    

             [State] State Sales Surcharge     1.86    

        Total Credits, Adjustments and Other Charges     3.19    

       

                   

        Voice Usage Summary          

        Unlimited Expd M2M          

                     36 Minutes Used          

        Rollover FM 550          

                     50 Minutes Used          

        Unlimited N&W          

                     32 Minutes Used          

        Total Voice Usage Summary     .00    

       

        Data Usage Summary          

        Text Msg Pay Per Use          

                     26 Text Messages Used          

                     26 Billed at  $0.20/Msg     5.20    

        Total Text Msg Pay Per Use     5.20    

       

        InternetPayPerUse          

                     27 Kilobytes Used          

                     27 Billed at  $0.01/KB     .27    

        Total InternetPayPerUse     .27    

       

        Total Data Usage Summary     5.47    

       

        Total for  [Phone # 2]     39.32    

       

       

        Total Invoice Charges     47.03    

       

        Wireless Summary - [ACCOUNT #]

[Mis-aligned dollar values are in the orignal]

I asked for a sip of water, AT&T passes me a fire hose.

Okay - I've actually made that a LOT clearer than the document AT&T shows you.

The actual document starts with a legalese preamble, and I've only shown you the detail for the prorated December blob. There's an even longer blob for January.

It takes an interminable amount of scanning to recognize this, because each giant data blob is separated by a single line of dates.

Giant blob #1 is a partial bill, so I skip to giant blob #2.

GB# 2 starts with this mis-aligned summary:

             Promotions and Discounts                    $10.80CR          

             Monthly Service                             $59.99          

             Credits, Adjustments and Other Charges       $4.72          

             Data Usage                                   $3.20          

             Total Wireless Charges                      $57.11      

Okay. I'll read that as my monthly bill is $59.99 and I'm getting some discount. I know there's a discount for combining bills, so I'm wondering if that discount is it. In the detail that follows the discount is helpfully referred to as "Promotions and Discounts."

As long as I'm budgeting, I want to know if this is a recurring discount that I can count on ($10.80 per month is a big enough deal) or if this is yet another of AT&T's byzantine account modifications. I do a CTRL-F to find 10.80 elsewhere in the giant blob and strike out.

No more detail.

I log into my AT&T Wireless account to see what my bills have been in the past. The wireless site shows amounts that vary between $47 and $153. Clicking on detail, I see more giant blobs of gobbledygook.

Deep breath.

I opt to call.

I know - this is stupid - but again, I have this expectation that this will be simple.

1. Call
2. Identify self & authenticate
3. Ask for monthly bill, receive same.
4. Hang up

I click on the contact us link and (miracle of miracles) I am directed to a single phone number in less than five clicks. Progress!

I dial.

Your expected hold time is four minutes.

Okay, this sucks - but it's my lunch hour, I've got some time - and I can work as I wait.

Six minutes later, I get a rep.

I self-identify, prove it, and ask for my monthly bill amount.

The rep gives it to me.

(There, you see? this was easy!)

I then ask about the discount.

Is that a discount I'm getting for moving my bill?

No, that's a corporate discount.

Oh. I get a discount because I work for a large company.

Great, so that is a recurring discount?

Well, sir. When you transfer your account, that discount may be replaced by the combined bill discount.

Uh?

You can only have one discount.

-Right about now - I'm getting that familiar sinking feeling. So... THIS is how this call will go horribly wrong.

How much is the combined discount?

I don't have that information. You'll have to contact Land Line.

Can't you?

Please hold.

Time passes...

Sir? Can you give me your Land Line number?

Okay - two things: 1) they should know this. I gave them my SSN, for crying out loud. 2) If you needed it, couldn't you have asked for it BEFORE I had to sit on hold?

I give the rep my number, and they apologize profusely.

So profusely, it turns out, that they are dropped from Land Line's hold queue. They have to call Land Line again and wait.

Again.

Time passes...

Sir?

Yes?

Land Line could not find a combined discount on your account.

What does that mean?

It means they cannot find a discount on your combined account. It might show up on the next billing cycle...

You mean I've lost my corporate discount?

I don't think so, sir. I think you should keep that one.

I'll get to keep my discount, going forward?

I'm pretty sure.

At this point - it's clear that the rep is just telling me what she hopes is true.

I hope she's right, but I'm out of lunch time - so there's no time to iron this out. I'll need to watch for the next bill to make sure.

I hang up.

Elapsed time?

27 minutes and 28 seconds.
(plus about 10 minutes with the website)

Net result: I know what my plan costs (but I knew that) but I have no idea if AT&T will carry forward my current $10.80 discount.

And I lost 37 minutes of my life.