Pwned

murph
To: C

Need to ask you a question...but it's one with some consequence.

Have you tried to post a comment on my blog in the last week, posing as someone called Noddy?

I've been slagging on Noddy (a co worker) on my blog - and I believe they've managed to stumble across my blog.

You've pranked me on my blog in the past - and if it really was you, it would be a genuine relief.

Let me know when you can,

thanks.

*     *     *

CTo: murph 

What?  That would be bad.That’s why I had to post as Noddy. Gotcha. 

C.

*     *     *

Kinda makes me wish I'd contacted C before I'd ended up telling my co-workers about my blog at the holiday party.

#Facepalm

The Full Noddy

S'been awhile since I b!tched about work, so I'm gonna do that now.

For the most part, the past few months have been a straight up march towards rollout. Arwafn, the report Runner and I have been working on, is due to be flipped on - for realsies - on the day of the Q4 release, along with all the stuff Data, Sprint, & Heater have been cranking out.

The UX team did a big demo of all the stuff pre-launch (which I missed because little e was sick), but the overall response was positive. This launch will be an oddity for NerdHaven, since most of the functionality will be triggered site by site, when the clients have ramped up their data connections.

Normally, all the new stuff lands like a ton of bricks and post rollout, the devs spend a day putting out fires. This time, a lot of the new stuff was deployed months ago, but has only been turned on for a few customers. The fires are already long gone - and now the UX team are supposed to move onto the next new thing.

Since UX delivers the requirements so the devs can work, we're actually supposed to have started the next new thing awhile ago, so that the post rollout devs don't suddenly find themselves without stuff to do.

So... are we hosed?

The astute reader may have noticed I'd mentioned work by Sprint, Data, Heater, Runner & myself - but not Noddy.

Noddy has no work at all going out in the Q4 Release - which should horrify any self respecting professional. Nearly a full year of effort and what can they claim to have been working on?

Not a hell of a lot actually. But there is this one thing: I'll call it the Vee Project. Vee is something that Noddy seized on back in September as the Thing They Were Working On. It kept them out of our hair and - Amazingly - Noddy did seem to be making stuff.

In the abstract, the Vee Project involves our clients getting data out of a very precise machine, evaluating it and reporting select data bits to the government.

At some point, Noddy sits me down to explain this in excruciating detail and my first impression is Why the hell are we trying to solve this problem?

The clients appear to be getting data out of the machine by writing it down on a clipboard. Later they key this data into a government web app that tells them if they have to key in more details for a given data set.

Noddy tells me that our web app will be a copy of the government's web app - but we won't be able to transmit data to the government site until 2017, because the gov't website isn't set up to do that yet.

In other words, we can't get the initial data electronically (because it's on a clipboard), so our client will have to manually enter it into our application. Since our app cannot send data to the gov't site for over 2 years, our clients will then re-type their data into the gov't site.

This sounds unbelievably stupid - and I say this to Noddy. "Why would someone do this?"

Noddy is unmoved "they want to keep their data. The gov't site won't let them."

"Yeah," I say, "But they have to double enter their data to keep it. That's horrible."

* * * *

I'll spare you the play by play - but you get the idea. This is a problem for our users, but (as explained to me, at least) this is not a problem our software will actually solve. Our app will become another mouth to feed, when the original problem was our clients having to feed just one.

This is the problem Noddy has been working on since September - and over a month ago Product informed us that the Vee Project would be the number 1 priority for next year. In our regular reindeer games meeting, Data was conflicted over this. "You know Noddy is going to screw this up. Professionally, we can't allow them to screw up next year's big feature."

At this point, Data's talking to Sprint, Runner, and me. We've all seen Noddy do next to nothing on other projects. If the project is low priority, nothing is done at all. Once it becomes prioritized, Noddy fumbles along until they are given a partner - someone who actually gives a sh!t, like Sprint - and suddenly things start getting done. Not by Noddy, to be sure, they're still on Ebay like always - but you can count on Noddy to offer to help management and Product "with any questions they have."

Meanwhile, Sprint (or Data, or whoever is unlucky enough to get paired up with Noddy) grinds through the work, doing 100% of what should be 50-50.

It's happened before too often - hell, Runner and I got Noddy thrown off Arwafn because all he was doing was coat-tailing on our work.

Noddy's effing up the Vee Project - and saving the project effectively means saving Noddy, too. And nobody wants to save Noddy.

Data's a professional - they opt to take the bullet and pair up with Noddy. The Vee Project cannot fail.

With Data's involvement, things start happening immediately. The day after they start on the project, they discover that there is a way for us to get the initial dataset automatically, rather than from manual entry off a clipboard. The Vee Project goes from "bag of suck" to "wow!" after a single day of Data's analysis.

Noddy has been on the same project for almost four months and this avenue of inquiry has never occurred to them. I know this because I'd grilled them on it - and in response to "Where does the data on the clipboard come from? How do we get to that?" all I received was a blank look.

Noddy had been told the information came from a clipboard and that was the end of their analysis. Data contacted the originating device manufacturers, read the manuals, and did a rough survey of customers to determine if a good % of the originating devices are in use by our clients.

And that was day 1 of Data's involvement. Then they began setting up client interviews to tease out the nuts and bolts of getting data from the originating system all the way to the government website. In short order, there are a brace of client interviews about the Vee project. Data sets them up, surveys the participants and leads the discussion.

Noddy... creates a wiki page to store the notes from each session. If I were generous, I would say this is work that takes 15 minutes. At stand up, Noddy tells the team repeatedly that they are "transcribing the interview notes."

Now, I've done transcriptions for the Arwafn project and it can take ridiculous amounts of time. Runner and I started out writing down every word. Eventually, we realized that we were making new interviews faster than we were transcribing old ones. We paired it down to main take aways and supporting quotes and it was still a lot of work.

If Noddy was working on transcription, it could take awhile. Being Noddy - it could be a Long while. But weeks go by - and the only new text that appears on the wiki pages for each interview comes from Data. They're writing up bullet points - a sensible compromise - given what is needed and the amount of work to be done. Not to mention that they are essentially doing this entirely on their own.

At some point, Noddy adds a single list of bullet point notes to the wiki for a single interview. Out of a half a dozen interviews, Noddy did one - in bullet points - so that might be an hour or two of work.

As expected, the division of labor on the Vee Project is pretty much everything is on Data's shoulders. Noddy is showing up to meetings and not a lot else.

Early on, Noddy was actually doing stuff on the Vee Project. They'd made mockups of two web forms - essentially duplicates of the forms that exist on the government website. Building these forms would be asking our clients to double enter data in our site and the gov't site (since the gov't site doesn't have an API and won't accept data imports until 2017). I could see starting out working on these forms, but they are clearly not high value elements of our solution. To be fair, making them might help a UX person better understand the overall problem. I get that they would be written up. But again - they are a dead end - and they appear to be the only thing Noddy has done.

Around the first week in December Product calls us into a room to assess where we are at and how easy it will be to pivot from work like Arwafn to the new number 1 priority, the Vee Project. Noddy pipes up that we also need to have some work for Nachen, a batch of gov't related work that has traditionally been their bailiwick.

* * * *

<aside>
This is typical Noddy. The Nachen stuff is convoluted and Noddy grokked up on it pretty good. No one is terribly eager to follow them, so Noddy is largely bulletproof when it comes to Nachen work. Any question will provoke reams of detailed blather from Noddy that few people have the will to investigate enough to pin down. YQA can school them, but almost nobody else. 

A portion of the Nachen work comes with a federal mandate, so its priority ranking is largely out of our hands. Noddy clearly enjoys telling everyone that space must be cleared in the schedule for their work. Since Noddy knows the Nachen release schedule, they get to tell Product what must be done and when. 

All of this might not be a big deal if Noddy was all the way up to speed and keeping Product in the loop with regular updates. They could be plotting work on the calendar and having it queued up ahead of time. The Nachen work is on a regular schedule - and while there is some variance - we could be ahead of the game. With Noddy, it's almost like each year's update is a complete surprise. 

Product is clearly struggling to figure out how much work they need to account for and when. Product is not happy.
</aside>

* * *

Back to the meeting. Noddy throws out a cloud of uncertainty about Nachen work - Product flexes hard and pins down Noddy to a defined set of Nachen work that includes the must-haves. The work is not ready, but Noddy is put on notice that it needs to be before we go on winter break.

We have a big discussion about the Vee Project. We ultimately decide that there are two main approaches - the old, broken way that Noddy has started (the duplicate forms) and the new, awesome way (the automated flow that Data has been working towards). We know the automated way will take some time, so we decide to start with the old, broken way and we will plan on hooking those forms up to the new, awesome way as we go along.

Which means Noddy's forms will need to be ready to go before we go on break. Noddy is put on notice of this.

Then Product does an odd thing - they give us homework. I suspect Product is having trouble seeing the foundational research that our feature work is grounded on. On Arwafn, for example - Runner and I have interviews and notes, but there are no aggregate documents to show merged findings and trends so that product can see "yes, this feature is well grounded in research." Product wants some of this foundational research written up before we go too much further on the Vee Project. Since time is short - Product asks everyone on the UX team to pick a Vee Project interview and do a write up of data flow and task flow.

This is odd for lots of reasons, but it will get all of UX read into the Vee Project, and it will get Product a better picture of the common user problems coming out of Data's research. Each of us gets an assigned interview and we are told to have them done by the end of the second week of December.

Product sends us an email summarizing the work each of us is accountable for.

"Each of us" includes Noddy.

* * *

With four days to do my homework from Product - I need to listen to the recorded interview, write up some notes and turn them into two documents and post them to the wiki.

This is not hard. The only complication is that I'm really under-informed on the Vee Project. A lot of things that are said are things I am guessing at, or might misinterpret. Since all our documents will be posted on the wiki - I don't want to look stupid.

Neither does anyone else. Designers are a funny lot - and you can tell some of our UX team is sweating this work. Heater is positively terrified. Heater is more of a traditional business analyst, so these documents are way outside their comfort zone. They don't want to fail in front of product and they are coming over repeatedly to see what the rest of us are making - just to be sure. I have a lot of sympathy for Heater.

Noddy, on the other hand, spends most of the week doing their usual - looking busy. They talk with the offshore contractors about Nachen work, but you can tell they are making a meal out of a morsel. When the subject of our homework comes up - Noddy vacillates between saying they are working on it to saying they really need to start working on it. I'm starting to get the feeling they want help with it - and Runner and I are planning on posting our work as close to the due date as possible so Noddy doesn't repurpose ours and turn it in.

(This is how stupid things have gotten with Noddy. I would spend hours helping Heater if they asked for it, but Noddy? They know how to do this work, they just don't want to put effort into it.)

Noddy's going on a weekend getaway the day our homework is due and is complaining about how they haven't packed and how crazy their week is becoming. I just nod and keep on working. Towards the end of Thursday, Noddy is bemoaning all the things they have to do. It's just Noddy and I in the team room and I get the distinct impression that Noddy is working their way up to asking me to do their work for them. They're hoping I'll volunteer - and I pointedly refuse to do that. Earbuds in, head down. Screw you, Noddy. Do your goddamned work. Noddy finally finishes up with, "I guess I'll come in super early and get this done."

This - from a person who hasn't made it into the office before 9:45 in almost a month.

The next day I'm sick as a dog so I work from home - I think little e was sick, too. I'm done with my work but waiting to post it until later in the day. Noddy's flying out mid-day, so they will only be in the office until 11 or so. Given their usual arrival time, they'd better be early if they want to get anything done.

I'm IM'ing Runner on Friday - homework due day - and learn that Noddy rolled in around 10am and has asked Runner to do the work (in sort of a throwaway manner, like "it's not going to get done, unless you do it... *expectant pause*"). Mentally, Runner says F*&% that noise, and keeps to their own work.

At 2:30, I post my work to the wiki, noting that in the slots where Noddy's work would be- there are only <insert file here> tags.

* * *
Tuesday, December 16.

I'm working from home with what I suspect was the flu - and I get IM'ed by Atlas. They're getting the sense that there is some Vee Project work that is slipping and they want to know what I remember from the earlier meeting with Product. They've been trying to get in contact with Noddy, but only got their voicemail.

I'm straining to remember things when Atlas interrupts to say their phone is ringing - "That might be Noddy now."

Fifteen minutes later, I get IM'ed by Noddy.

You may need a glossary for this

• Story = discrete unit of work for development 
• Epic = group of stories that support a common feature 
• RFD = Ready For Development. Story status that means UX is done with it and devs can work on it. 
• Ready for Analysis/In Analysis = story statuses that mean UX is ready to start working on it or is still working on it. Devs consider these stories radioactive, since they don't know what the hell they will turn into yet. 

With that primer, I give you - The Full Noddy...

Noddy [9:17 AM]: murph

murph [9:18 AM]: Hey

Noddy [9:18 AM]: so were you at the meeting yesterday?

murph [9:18 AM]: Which meeting?

Noddy [9:18 AM]: [project]

murph [9:19 AM]: We had a prioritization meeting yesterday - I wasn't invited to a [project] meeting.
What's up?

Noddy [9:20 AM]: evidently there are some [Vee] stories that are neding some [requirements]
that they wanted to take
and was hoping you knew which ones they were

<aside>This is Noddy, asking me to tell them what work they are supposed to get done - on THEIR project. The one they've been on for over three months.</aside>

murph [9:21 AM]: I was linking up stories to the overview page - so in [our project tracker app] if you click on the [Vee] or [Nachen] links you should find lists of stories.
Wait, Product's email might have them. One sec.
Yeah, the email from the 9th. You want me to forward it?

Noddy [9:23 AM]: sure

murph [9:23 AM]: en route now

Noddy [9:25 AM]: hmm

murph [9:25 AM]: I guess it doesn't list exact story numbers, but Product's talking about which features they’re looking for

Noddy [9:26 AM]: just talked to Atlas and they said that I was supposed to have those stories done already and Product clearly has the due date as 12/19....

murph [9:27 AM]: These are just the [Vee Form1 & Vee Form2] - ?
Oh, the [submit data to Nachen], too - that's a beast

Noddy [9:28 AM]: well the [Nachen report] story
which we can't start unless we want to do [2012’s version]

murph [9:28 AM]: Are those done?

<aside>At this point, I was thinking Noddy owed product their data and task flows and a few stories for the Vee Project. Noddy's bringing up the topic of more Nachen work I'd forgotten about.</aside>

Noddy [9:29 AM]: what are those?

murph [9:29 AM]: The [2012’s version] stories

Noddy [9:29 AM]: they were talking about having me do all the leg work the other day
but they would have to give me a format to give it to them in
sounds like they are trying to pawn it off

murph [9:30 AM]: Who is 'they?'

Noddy [9:30 AM]: [the West Coast developers]
with [a former developer] gone
they might not know how to do it now

murph [9:31 AM]: Are the [Nachen reports] RFD (Ready For Development, i.e. done)? How many stories are there?

Noddy [9:31 AM]: just one
if they want me to do the tabulizing then no

murph [9:32 AM]: [Is it West Coast story] #438?

Noddy [9:32 AM]: if they are going to do it then yes for 2012
but we were hoping for 2013 due october 15
but delayed due to [an event in the news that has nothing to do with anything]

murph [9:33 AM]: If 438 is the right [Nachen report] story - it's still listed as In Analysis, so [West Coast] won't even be looking at it

murph [9:35 AM]: Why does it have comments from [a West Coast QA] in it?
Is that even the right story?

Noddy [9:35 AM]: it was a copy from an identical story a few years back

<aside>In other words, "I copied and pasted this story from last year's and didn't bother to remove testing notes or update anything. But it's "Ready For Dev"</aside> 

murph [9:36 AM]: But this is the right one?

Noddy [9:36 AM]: yes, it is

murph [9:37 AM]: It hasn't been touched in 3 months

Noddy [9:37 AM]: they were waiting for the 2013 [version]

murph [9:37 AM]: We have those, right?

Noddy [9:37 AM]: because they didn't want to do it again in a few months
the 2012 yes
had we known Nachen would have pushed this off so far, then maybe we would have taken the story earlier...
but that would have displaced something else we got done

murph [9:39 AM]: Product's asking for 2012 in their email

<aside>You remember earlier? Noddy was saying "they were waiting for the 2013 version. But on December 9th, Noddy was in a meeting with Product where product said "We're so out of date, we can't wait for the 2013 update. We need to put the 2012 updates in asap." Then Product emailed all of us and put Noddy's name by this item as a To-Do. 

Noddy was still waiting for the 2013 update to arrive from Nachen - because it allowed them to continue doing nothing. They've forgotten the meeting, ignored the email and twiddled their thumbs. This is the first moment they are actually reading it and they realize what they've been telling me is total crap. </aside>

Noddy [9:39 AM]: then let's make it so
I asked the [West Coast] team to send me a format for the data if they want to take the story
I just love how noone takes ownership
this is how stuff slips through the cracks

murph [9:40 AM]: Noddy, this is your story. You own it.
If they aren't responding, you need to bug them or raise it as a blocker

Noddy [9:41 AM]: yes, and how many times was it pushed aside

murph [9:41 AM]: With the story In Analysis, no dev is going to touch it

Noddy [9:41 AM]: I rallied for it for 3 months

murph [9:42 AM]: Noddy, looking at Product's email, they’re looking for a lot more than this story.
What do we have that is RFD for Nachen/[Vee]?

Noddy [9:42 AM]: I will have to look

murph [9:43 AM]: I'm looking at the [Vee] feature list now- I don't see anything as RFD.
You had stories with mockups, right? how close are those?

Noddy [9:44 AM]:
Most need a few [requirements] then they are good to go

murph [9:44 AM]: I see 6 stories - did Product want all of them by the 19th?

Noddy [9:44 AM]: I had not added the [requirements] becasue I was told to hold off

murph [9:44 AM]: by who?

Noddy [9:44 AM]: Product
becasue they were the "old broken"
and they wanted us to do the "new awesome"

<aside>This is absolute bullsh!t. Product told Noddy exactly the opposite on the 9th.</aside>

murph [9:45 AM]: Well, they’ve clearly come around - remember that meeting from early Dec? these were the first step towards [Vee]

Noddy [9:45 AM]: now they wants the old broken

murph [9:45 AM]: Then in Jan we were going to hook up the dynamic stuff

Noddy [9:45 AM]: but they has has me tasked on everything else
and Nachen
and [offshore]
and the soup of the day

murph [9:46 AM]: Then the time to cry out isn't three days before they expect this stuff
jesus, Noddy

Noddy [9:46 AM]: just getting [offshore devs] set up

murph [9:46 AM]: What the hell? You'd been doing [Vee] since before thanksgiving
If Product just wants a basic form we could have given them an RFD by now.
What can we give them by Friday?

Noddy [9:47 AM]: I forgot that the [requirements] were not done
I was going to finish it in the next 30 in
min
it is that short

<aside>It is absolutely not that short.</aside>

murph [9:48 AM]: Plus validation, that's not quick.
I didn't think the [Vee form 2] was that short, either.
Do we have all the [latest version of Nachen] stuff?
RFD, I mean?

Noddy [9:48 AM]: [Vee form 2] is not in that path

murph [9:49 AM]: Okay, so no [Vee form 2].
That's good.

Noddy [9:49 AM]: the [latest version of Nachen] stiff that breaks is
I also have other additions that are ready as well

murph [9:49 AM]: What stories for [latest version of Nachen] are RFD?

Noddy [9:49 AM]: gave Product a longlist

murph [9:50 AM]: more importantly, what stories for [latest version of Nachen] aren't RFD and need to be by Friday?

Noddy [9:50 AM]: I will look into it now
make sure that they are ready
and queued up

murph [9:51 AM]: And the [Send data to Nachen], no way that's happening by Friday

<aside>I'm starting to freak out at this point. Product's email has a LOT of action items assigned to Noddy. I knew they were behind on some items, but this is a large wedge of work that looks to be in the ditch.</aside>

Noddy [9:51 AM]: the [Send data to Nachen] stuff is done

murph [9:51 AM]: RFD and good to go?

Noddy [9:51 AM]: that was ready months ago
on the UI side yes

murph [9:52 AM]: Which story is it?

Noddy [9:52 AM]: there are several
search for direct [Send data to Nachen]
there is an epic

murph [9:53 AM]: Epic [under our team project], right?

Noddy [9:53 AM]: lemmie check

murph [9:54 AM]: I see two stories listed as Ready for Analysis, but they have [requirements]

Noddy [9:54 AM]: yes, that looks correct
they are RFD

<aside>This is another pet peve of mine. Noddy doesn't do the work and doesn't progress it properly so the team knows what to do. If the story was marked RFD, somebody downstream would have looked at it by now and we'd know if it needed more work or not. Since it wasn't tagged properly, the evaluation of "is it RFD?" will have to start now. </aside>

murph [9:55 AM]: These look like they need tech review, but [requirements] is a good start

Noddy [9:55 AM]: already went over them with Big Dog and OneTwentyEight

murph [9:55 AM]: Right, but a review with them would be good. They were pinging me yesterday about a story they reviewed over a month ago. They're not going to remember

Noddy [9:56 AM]: Big Dog says we need to meet with the architechture team to decide on a modle to use for hte backend

murph [9:56 AM]: Plus - knowing thiese are up in priority will help them focus on the backend rampup needed.
I don't even know if Big Dog/OneTwentyEight are in later this week

Noddy [9:56 AM]: I have been pushing this for several months and getting blown off

murph [9:57 AM]: Well, your time has come with a vengeance. Acc'ding to Product, this stuff is up

Noddy [9:57 AM]: kinda sucks that the moment I get a few days off they want to focus on in and have me work on it

murph [9:58 AM]: Noddy, Product's email is from the 9th.
This is sudden, but not that sudden

Noddy [9:58 AM]: and I have been swamped with other stuff as well since then

murph [9:59 AM]: I get that, but the time to squawk about that was on the 9th, not the 16th

Noddy [9:59 AM]: I even came in on friday (my first day of PTO) to work on it

murph [9:59 AM]: This is going to be brutal

<aside>This is me freaking out. Product wanted a LOT to be ready and Noddy has practically nothing.</aside>

Noddy [9:59 AM]: how many devs do we have?

murph [10:00 AM]: ?

Noddy [10:00 AM]: are Big Dog and OneTwentyEight working the next two weeks?
How about the [West Coast] devs?

<aside>This is Noddy's smokescreen attempt. "Hey! there won't be devs in the office over the holidays, so my deadlines don't matter."</aside>

murph [10:01 AM]: I dunno, I'm thinking Big Dog is out at least.
But I don't think that's the point - I think Product wanted this stuff in the can prior to the break

Noddy [10:02 AM]: So the programming elves are gooing to be in working on the code then..

murph [10:03 AM]: Noddy, I don't set the deadlines - if you want to debate the due date, take it up with Product. I'm just saying their email says they wants all that by Friday.
If that can't/shouldn't happen - the person who should be advised of that is Product

Noddy [10:03 AM]: OK
I will make it so
and I will talk to them...if they are available

murph [10:04 AM]: Let me know if they change priorities.

Noddy [10:04 AM]: OK
sorry to vent on you

murph [10:04 AM]: No prob.

Noddy [10:05 AM]: are you taking PTO?

<aside>Translation: "Will you be around to help me with these?"</aside>

murph [10:05 AM]: Between Christmas and New Years. Today I'm WFH, because I have the croup-y cough that's going around - and I imagine folks don't want me to share.

<aside>Translation: No Effing Way.</aside> 

Noddy [10:07 AM]: well I have a terrible headache
and need to catch up on my sleep
my flight [home] on Sunday was canceled and I was forced to spend the night in the airport
then fly to [hub city] and take a bus to get home

murph [10:08 AM]: You slept in the [resort town] airport?

Noddy [10:08 AM]: and after a weekedn in [resort town]
no Denver

murph [10:08 AM]: stlll, ick

Noddy [10:08 AM]: yes
fog
closed the airport

murph [10:09 AM]: Good times

Noddy [10:09 AM]: OK, Ill get the [requirements] done for the [Vee] form
that should placate the beast

murph [10:10 AM]: And talk with Product. They need to know what's what.

Noddy [10:10 AM]: yes

* * *

And while that is a lot (an awful lot) the Full Noddy experience is still not complete. Because there is a backstory to that last exchange that you truly need to appreciate.

Noddy's saying how awful their trip back from the resort town was - but I already know. The reason I know is because Runner told me.

How does Runner know about Noddy's crappy flight home?

Because, on Monday (Dec 15th) while Runner was in Tennessee on a site visit - Noddy texted them at 6:15am to tell them that they "wouldn't make it home until the evening" so Noddy wouldn't be in to the office like they'd planned.

Oh, and they wanted Runner to contact Product and tell them that Noddy wouldn't be able to do their homework.

There is so much wrong going on there, I need to unpack that.

1. Texting a co-worker's cell in general - sans prior permission, this is not okay. 
2. Texting a co-worker at 6:15 in the goddamned morning. 
3. Texting a co-worker at 6:15 in the goddamned morning when they are on the road. 
4. Texting a co-worker who is a parent at 6:15 in the goddamned morning when they are on the road. I dunno about you, but if I'm away from home and get a text at 6:15am, I'm thinking somebody's had a car accident, or my kid is missing. 
5. Texting a co-worker to tell them you are going to be out of the office. Seriously, you have a smart phone and NerdHaven has webmail. You need to contact the office? Email your supervisor and your team. Runner isn't your goddamned secretary. 
6. Texting a co-worker to ask them to tell a higher up that you are going to miss a deadline. 
1. Chickenshit. Tell the higher ups your goddamned self. 
2. The work was due the previous Friday anyway, so dude - it's been late for three days now. Like you need another update. 
3. You have a smartphone and webmail - why are you texting a third party, dumbass? 

But the capstone to all of this - the cherry on this sh!tpile sundae, is the reflexive bit of bullcrap that Noddy just couldn't resist laying down. Needlessly, as it turns out.

Noddy texts Runner to say they won't be in to the office until late because of their air travel problems. Runner has a smartphone and checks to see what delays are happening out of [resort town] and finds the flight trackers aren't agreeing with what Noddy's saying. While it's probably true that Noddy slept in the Denver airport like they said, we know for a fact that they made it home during daylight hours.

How? Because Noddy's facebook page shows them in a movie theatre - in town - standing next to some dude dressed as Gandalf.

Noddy's a huge Hobbit fan - and on the 15th the movie theaters were offering a three movie marathon that started around noon. The picture's timestamp shows he was at the theater at 3pm.

Noddy is so epically full of sh!t.

And again, there was no reason to lie. "I'll be out all day" was all he needed to say and that would be the end of it. His homework documents for Product were already late, so having an alibi for Monday doesn't help him a bit. People might have been looking for him, but a simple "I was flying back on Monday" would have covered it. No, he had to make up some dramatic story- and then completely kneecap it with his own stupidity via social media.

So now you know.

That's the Full Noddy. Full throttle awful, all across the board.

And they've been like this ever since I started here. Why UXDir ever put up with this is utterly beyond me.

But the winds of change are blowing - and this latest collapse has not gone unnoticed by the higher ups.

Yesterday, when checked the wiki for Noddy's homework being posted, it still said

<insert file here>

Stay tuned.

Accent on the 'We'

Okay, Great Grandpa George is gonna have to wait.

I'm gonna let go with some sh!t.

---

And I want to start this off by saying that my current job is - by far - the best job I have ever had.  Challenging work, a noble cause, outstanding UX support, and free coffee.

I'd also like to say I've been there long enough to say this isn't a case of being in love with the honeymoon. 

I work on a team stocked with rockstars. These are people worth going to the mat for. 

My UX role is backed up by management. I own the problem, study it, design a solution - and then my devs build it.

Note the curious absence of corporate bullsh!t

As I said, It's a killer UX job.

But I am now going to hurl a co-worker under the bus.

...because they so effing deserve it.

---

Back when I interviewed for this job, the only sub-awesome bit was the UX guy. A veteran designer, but clearly somebody who thought an awful lot of themselves.

This post is about them. 

Let's call them Noddy.

Over two months ago, the UX director called us into a room and asked each of us to take one of the many projects on Product's to-do list. Immediately after doing this, they informed me that I would be working on a report with a funny name. 

The UX director has a way of doing this. I think it's their way of cutting the crap. 

Fair enough. At the time, it's not like I would have known enough to make an informed choice - so they chose for me. 

UXDir then drove the point home by asking "What do you know about [A Report With A Funny Name]?"

Having decided to be honest at this job, I said, "If I think about it awhile, I might be able to spell it. ARWAFN."

UXDir grinned. 

Okay, we're all friends here.

The rest of the UX team got their marching orders. Noddy got a pair of reports, Sprint and WatchMeType already had serious project work - which they kept, and Runner got the dashboard that held all the reports.

Work these problems.

So, off we went. And I spent a pornographic amount of time learning about Arwafn. What it is, what it does, why people use it, how people use it.

In all former lives, this luxury of time was unheard of. You need to be done two weeks ago. Go.

At Nerdhaven, so long as the devs had stuff do, you could take the time you needed to solve your problem.

Awesome!

We all plunged into our assignments and started ramping up.

In the meantime, Noddy was still keeping our devs busy by giving them features and fixes so they had stuff to do - AND they had to work their reports. 

Sprint and the Professor kept their devs working on their project work.

All was well.

I started writing up things for our devs to do, a lot of Arwafn was stuff people had been asking for for ages, so writing requirements for it was a lot like transcribing our customer's broken dreams.

For the love of God, give us an Arwafn that works!

Doesn't take a genius to write specs for that feature.

1) Make an Arwafn report that works.  

2) Also, make it not suck.

I write these up - give it to the devs, aaaaand - they pause.

They hem. They haw. 

The existing Arwafn is not in our code base. 

Ramping up for my Arwafn work will take time. They will do it, but all my work is the same to them: Stuff they cannot start now.

The Devs are hungry for work, and my stuff doesn't help them. Runner's still ramping up to make stuff, Noddy's stuff is all they have.

And... Noddy's stuff is pretty thin gruel. 

I mean, we work in two week sprints, so you don't give a dev a slab of work that takes more than fourteen days. But still... 

Noddy writes up stuff like "add a value to a dropdown menu," or "change this text label." These are things that need to be done, but if I was writing up the work, I'd do a bunch in an afternoon and move on to real work.

I'm sure the devs think of them the same way. Developing even simple things takes longer than you'd think - particularly if you do it well, and our Devs are awesome.  So, I can't help but think they are uninspired by the work they are getting.

But Noddy's the only one giving them stuff they can do, and they're on two other projects. Runner and I need to step up.

Runner connects with our Subject Matter Experts, and starts getting a list of things that need to get better in report-land. This is something I'm bad at as a noob. I have all kinds of research materials at my disposal, my first inclination is to use them - not schedule a conference call.

Runner does the right thing - they get the SME's on the phone and Noddy shows us the ropes on Nerdhaven's version of virtual meetings.

Aside: Virtual meetings suuuuuuuuuck.

But Noddy shows us how to record our sessions so we don't miss stuff, and facilitates the introductions to the SMEs and generally gets us rolling. I spend the entire call waiting for someone to talk about Arwafn, and I don't think anyone did. 

Afterwords, Runner reviews the recording and writes up a summary/partial transcript with timestamps. At the time we're both looking for guidance for what we should be doing and Runner's wondering if they're wasting their time with the transcript. They send it to me and Noddy for review and I forward my edits. 

Noddy never forwards any edits. To Noddy, this is a waste of time.

I believe this is not a waste of time.

We had a session full of good info, but all of it was stored in our fragmented memories - and a video recording. 

Months from now, when someone asks what we came up with in the meeting, we'll all have forgotten the call and we'll be left with the video. 

A two hour video.

PRO TIP: You cannot skim video.

If we wanted to know what was in that file, it would take 2 hours. And if we didn't write anything down when we watched it, we'd have the same problem a month later.

This, I learned, from Sensei. 

Sensei wrote up notes on some conference calls that saved me a ton of time. A summary I can skim and learn "This two hour video is all about reports." If I want more, I can read in detail, or (last resort) watch the video.

Moral: Write the damn notes. If you never find a use for them, someone will.

Also: Thanks, Sensei.

Anyway, our Devs are starving for work. Our team lead, BigDog, is trying to be patient, but wants us to give his devs work.

Soon.

I write up more stuff for Arwafn. Because it's what I've been told to do. The other UX folks are going to land stuff soon, and after those are done - the devs can take my stuff.

Noddy lands a few more appetizers, but nothing resembling real work. The devs sigh, but when all you have is fritos, you eat the fritos.

Fast forward a sprint. 

We're reviewing work for the devs and I proudly call up my specs for more Arwafn stuff. BigDog is straining to be nice, but they can't eat Arwafn yet.  I've got a seven course meal of inedible.

I feel like I've let the BigDog down. I go to UXDir and ask if there are things I can give our devs to work on that they can do right now. They aren't on our goal list, but there are literally a *ton* of things we could improve in our UI.

UXDir is polite, but firm. "No."

Noddy is no help. This time around, they don't even have appetizers.

What we end up with is pretty much a typo correction: Remove Reports 1 & 2.

Dead simple features. Not even features, really. Delete some things. Whoo...

Dev's gotta eat...

So, we're deleting Reports 1 & 2.  Maybe a hour of code time for each. Twice that to make sure nothing else got broken in the process.

But it's a joke of an iteration. Devs are meeting to figure out how to spool up for Arwafn work and a bunch of other things we have in the pipeline - but when we show our clients what we've been doing lately, we should expect a yawn.

At Nerdhaven, we do Agile - and Agile means you stand in front of your work and show your clients what you've been up to. When you land big slabs of awesome, you and your team look awesome.

When you take a bow in front of a heap of nothing - you and your team look stupid.

Agile is about forcing that realization upon people and using it as motivation.

We don't want to look stupid, ergo, we will get our sh!t together.

---

Yesterday, we took our bow in front of nothing. Noddy was the MC, and tried to put the best spin on it they could. "We'll have you out of here in two minutes, end to end."

Noddy shows the clients that - in the past two weeks - a room of highly-paid professionals has succeeded in deleting two reports.

And then things go wrong. And not in the way you'd think they would. Our SMEs are on the conference call asking why in the hell we've deleted Reports 1 & 2. 

Noddy's ready with the pat answer, "Reports 1 & 2 have been replaced by newer reports and are no longer needed."

I vaguely remember this, and something about having never removed the old reports. We were just fixing this. Why was this a question?

I'm almost relieved no one is giving us the business about the scant offerings, but the SMEs aren't done.

"Reports 1 & 2 have functionality that do not exist in the newer reports. Why did you get rid of them?"

Noddy mentions the earlier meeting with the SMEs about reports. "We'd agreed we could get rid of these reports. But if you need them back, we can certainly roll back the changes."

QA weighs in - Reports 1 & 2 have some benchmarks that are unique. 

This is news to Noddy. 

This is news to me - I paid no attention to these stories. I'm the Arwafn guy. I know nothing about Reports 1 & 2.

All three UXers in the room look dumbfounded. 

In front of the clients.

Awesome.

Noddy assures everyone that the SMEs had agreed to this change, but we can revisit the decision.

We end the meeting promising to follow up with the SMEs.

Back in the room. BigDog has had it. He gives Noddy an earful "I can accept that the reports need to come back, I can accept that we made a mistake. What I can't accept is that we're at showcase and DON'T KNOW WHY WE DID THIS WORK?"

There is no argument. BigDog is completely right. We work up ways to check on this sort of thing. The SMEs have changed their minds since we talked - and now they want their report back. We should be ready to confront them with evidence of their reversal. We should not sit silent while they ask why we did what they asked.

Product shows up and catches the tail end of BigDog's rant. Product is clearly displeased that the SMEs are pointing us in different directions.

Product is clear: Sort this out.

Later that day. Runner and I are hashing out what happened. Runner points out that removing Reports 1 & 2 was their feature, but Noddy pushed it to the devs. Runner is just sick that people think they pushed bad work.

Runner had some doubts about it, but Noddy said it was ready. So it went. 

It was a simple task: Remove Reports 1 & 2. Not like there was a lot to review.

But Runner's pointing out there was a whole meeting about those reports. And it was recorded. And Runner transcribed it. 

The SMEs asking questions today has Runner remembering that we were  supposed to migrate stuff out of Reports 1 & 2 before we blew them away. 

Runner's worried. BigDog is pissed - and BigDog knows this feature was written by Runner. And we all should have caught this, but Noddy shouldn't have given Runner's story to the devs. 

I tell Runner I'll talk to BigDog. If this story comes from Runner, it's going to sound like Runner's shirking blame. Runner's not like that, but they don't want soak up all the fail on this.

I talk to BigDog and lay it out. This is a UX fail, not a dev fail - but Noddy moved somebody else's work without knowing it was ready. We should have stopped them, but no way this is Runner's thing.

BigDog nods like I'm telling him something he already knows.

---

Today.

I'm rolling in around noon - little e was sick - and I meet Noddy in the hall.

They're like "That call with the SME's on the reports, that was recorded?" Or words to that effect. I was out of it. But it was odd that they were asking about this, first thing, in the hall.

I'm like, "Yeah. We recorded it."

Noddy starts talking about it being a two hour recording, and grumbling about how hard it would be to listen to the whole thing. They said something like they'd started to, but it was just too much of a pain...

I kill that noise.

"You could just read the transcript." I am so glad I talked with Runner yesterday.  "Runner wrote the whole thing up and sent it around for edits, remember?" I bet you don't.

Noddy leaves and I hit my desk.

BigDog is on me soon as I get my coat off. He wants to know the details on the Report discussion we had with the SMEs.

This is a thing.

I find the transcript, CTRL-F for the report names.

It is dead obvious that the SMEs are right. The transcript has them asking us to move the features out of Reports 1 & 2 and afterwards we can delete them.

Five seconds to the answer.

I spend five minutes scrubbing to the matching part of the video file to listen and make certain.

Noddy told them they'd agreed to remove the Reports. 

He was mistaken, or he lied.

I give the information to BigDog who begins digging into it immediately.

The day is a blur of catching up from missing the morning, but finally we arrive at the moment that made me write this.

I'm talking to BigDog after a long meeting with Runner. Noddy's talking to one of the SMEs on the phone.

He's saying "Well, we had a new BA."

I'm like: No way I heard that right. 

BigDog and I are cross talking about something funny. BigDog is either hilarious or fascinating on pretty much any subject he wants to be.

I'm trying to keep up with him, but I keep hearing Noddy's cross talk.

Noddy is blaming Runner.

I sit straight up and look right at Noddy, but it has no effect. Noddy wraps it up and before I can think to say anything, BigDog is all over Noddy.

"I heard you talking to the SME, and you said some things that were not true."

BigDog's been tracking the conversation longer than I have and he's going after what Noddy told the SMEs in our showcase.

Noddy starts out with his "its in a two hour recording-"

BigDog takes him out at the knees. "I've read the transcript. I listened to the 20 minutes where you were discussing these reports."

Noddy keeps weaving, shifts to saying it was Runner's story.

BigDog calls up the audit trail. "You pushed it to 'ready for dev.' There's your name, right there." 

And finally, Noddy shifts to the position he should have started with - shared blame. 

"We missed it."

Which is just another floor down in Noddy's house of bullsh!t, but closer to a professional truth. UX gave Dev specs that should not have been coded. 

At this point, I should pile on with BigDog, stick a fork in Noddy. 

But I don't.

BigDog did the right thing, the hard thing. He stuck it to Noddy over the BS line to the SMEs.

About pretending it was all on Runner.

I did the easy thing. Said something magnanimous about making sure any new features pushed to dev have been agreed on by UX. But that's shit. Noddy was part of a mistake the team had to eat. Instead of owning up to that, he tried to lie his way out of it, then blame it on Runner.

He's a weasel.

And there was a right thing to say right then and I didn't.

---

Which is why I'm writing this post. This post is my promise into the void that I will not let this slide. 

Noddy and I are going to discuss this - and I am going to say what's on my mind.

My team is a good one and they deserve better. 

From Noddy - and from me.

After Action Report

Sensei just pinged me.

Sounds like Smiler was nudged out of CorpWorld.

In an ideal world, I would be indifferent. I'm in a new gig. Looking forward, that kind of thing.

But I remember Ruby, Din & Sensei - people who did the job and deserved a manager who had their back. Instead, they had Smiler. And while Smiler wasn't the author of everything that played out, their blithe "Stay Home" indifference while it happened left a lasting impression.

We're all gone now - and now Smiler as well.

Not an ideal world at all.

And I am not indifferent.

"If the World Knew What I Was Doing, They Would Hang Me From the Highest Tree"

Well, Mr. Jeffs - the world will take what it can get:

(Via the AP and NPR)

The head of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints stood quietly as the decision of the Texas jury was read Tuesday. He received the maximum sentence on both counts.

The jury deliberated less than half an hour. The 55-year-old Jeffs was convicted Thursday. During the trial, prosecutors used DNA evidence to show Jeffs fathered a child with a 15-year-old and played an audio recording of what they said was him sexually assaulting a 12-year-old.

 (Via the CSM)

Jeffs was sentenced to life in prison for his assault on the 12-year-old. He received a 20-year sentence for the assault on the 15-year-old. The two sentences are to be served consecutively.

Thank You For Proving Our Point So Effectively

(Via The Big Picture)

I can only repeat Barry's take on this.
The Most Awesome Movie Theater DO NOT TEXT Announcement Ever!

(Oh, and NSFW)

Hung By Their Own PSA

(Via The Big Picture)

Barry points out another case where (wonder of wonders) a securitization trust is permanently barred from foreclosing on a house because they didn't obey the rules of their own Pooling and Servicing Agreement.

Brief explanation (as far as I understand it)

In order to turn a home loan into an investment (to securitize it), a number of things must happen:

1. The loan must stop being owned by orginating bank
2. The loan must start being owned by a trust, a Special Purpose Vehicle or other legal construct
3. There must be a written record of the transfer of ownership of the loan
4. The record of title transfer must meet the exacting specifications contained in a document called a Pooling and Servicing Agreement, typically they require that all the documents establishing transfer of the mortage note be completed within 60-90 days.

Why all this rigamarole?
Two big reasons are who owns the loan and taxes.

In order for an investor to invest in a security, they want to know that the thing the are investing in is truly theirs. In theory, if the home loan goes bad - they want to know that at least they will get the property in a foreclosure. If an investor knows that there are other entities that could claim to own the home loan - then their back up plan of foreclosure is now worth less, (and may be impossible). If the bank who made the original loan doesn't provide documentation that it no longer has any right to a home loan - there is a chance that that bank could show up and demand a share of the the loan's value (or of the resulting foreclosure).

Now taxes:
The SPV allows ownership of the loan by a trust without subjecting its payments or distributions to investors to taxation. This is a big deal because if the money passing through an SPV was taxed - it would make mortgage backed securites much less attractive as investments because investors would see their money taxed twice. Once as the money flows through the SPV and then again as the investors get paid. This is an intentional loophole, as the SPV is just a pass-through legal construct, it takes no profits - it just passes along the payments it gets.

The price of getting this nice loophole is complying with a very strict agreement called a Pooling and Servicing Agreement. If you don't comply with the PSA bad things can happen. Like, the tax rate on money going through the SPV goes from 0% to 100%

Investors will hate that with the heat of a nova.

And when home loans go bad - and the SPV moves to foreclose they had better have a chain of ownership that shows that they own the loan in question.

Otherwise something like this Alabama ruling will happen - Phyllis Horace vs. LaSalle Bank National Association et. el.:

Following hearing and review of all submissions from the parties the Court has come to two conclusions necessary for the disposition of this case:

First, the Court is surprised to the point of astonishment that the defendant trust (LaSalle Bank National Association) did not comply with the terms of its own Pooling and Servicing Agreement and further did not comply with New York Law in attempting to obtain assignment of plaintiff Horace's note and mortgage.

Second, plaintiff Horace is a third party beneficiary of the Pooling and Servicing Agreement created by the defendant trust (LaSalle Bank National Association). Indeed without such Pooling and Servicing Agreements, plaintiff Horace and other mortgagors similarly situated would never have been able to obtain financing.

Consequently, plaintiff's motion for summary judgement is granted to the extent that defendant trust (LaSalle Bank National Association) is permanently enjoined from foreclosing on the property...
...Further, the Court is of the opinion there is no reason for further delay as to the entry of final judgment concerning the issue of foreclosure by the trust (LaSalle Bank National Association).

That notice shall issue to the parties.
DONE this the 25th day of March, 2011.

ALBERT L. JOHNSON, CIRCUIT JUDGE

Counsel for the investors...start your engines! You will be suing the bejeezus out of LaSalle Bank National Association et. el., because the secured loans you invested in are unsecured because the trust can't prove they own the loans.

Also, your client's pass-through tax exemption is at risk. Huzzah!

LaSalle says they will appeal - although they'd better confine it to the bit about the plaintiff being ruled a third party beneficiary of the PSA, because they look seriously owned on any argument that they met their PSA obligations.

If you believe Barry and the crew, there are many, many loans out there in the same condition as this one just waiting for an enterprising attorney to detonate them.

I'll quote Barry from an earlier post of his:

Understand this precisely: This was not a case of slipshod handling, of sloppy paperwork, or bad management. This was a willful decision to break the law in order to save expenses and be more profitable.

The bank's PR machine can play whack-a-mole, but these cases are going to bubble out all over the place. They can't appeal all of them, and by rights they should lose most of them.

When does this mess reach critical mass?

Hit Them Where Their Heart Would Be, If They Had One

(Via Naked Capitalism)

Short version:

• Foreclosure mill moves against homeowner.
• Foreclosure mill is forced to admit to a bankruptcy judge that they are moving to foreclose, sans paperwork.
• Bankruptcy judge puts her foot in said mill's ass so hard, they're spitting up shoe leather.

A thing of beauty from any angle, but really, read the whole account. I'm focusing on the 2010 case before Judge Bailey, but a more recent case is what Yves is trying to track down. As in Have judges finally starting giving out free houses to address clear instances of foreclosure fraud?

Stay tuned.

US Bankruptcy Judge to MERS: See Ya!

How did I miss this Valentine?

US Bankruptcy Judge Robert E. Grossman rules in In re: Agard that MERS does not have the legal rights to transfer mortgage notes.

As in: This Mortgage is an A-to-B Conversation, MERS - you can C your way out of it.

Here's Bloomberg

“MERS’s position that it can be both the mortgagee and an agent of the mortgagee is absurd, at best.”


Grossman said parties coming to him to seek to lift the automatic ban on legal claims in cases involving MERS will have to show they own both the mortgage and the note.

That's gotta sting.

(Via TBP)

Interested in this story yet?

Who the F#%*)& are these guys?

So asks CJR's Ryan Chittum - and if you're not interested in the HBGary story- check your pulse.

It goes like this:

An exec named Aaron Barr at a computer security firm named HBGary mouths off in the financial times that he has discovered the identities of key members of the hacking group Anonymous. Anonymous' most recent claim to fame was the denial of service attacks against credit card companies who blocked transactions to Wikileaks.

Days later the Anonymous group hacks HBGary's website, email accounts, and numerous other accounts using SQL-injection, social engineering, and other published exploits. Mind you, HBGary is a computer security firm.

Anonymous takes over the HBGary website, leaks tens of thousands of internal emails to the web (which you can now search and read), leaks their source code and internal files - then deletes their backup servers.

They they flame HBGary using Aaron Barr's own twitter account.

That's just the opener.

The emails for HBGary reveal that HBGary was offering its services to Bank of America's law firm, Hunton & Williams (along with two other security firms Palantir Technologies and Berico Technologies) to smear and discredit Wikileaks and its supporters, among them Salon blogger Glenn Greenwald

Wikileaks has suggested they are about to unload a trove of internal documents for a large bank - and has mentioned acquiring the hard drive of a Bank of America exec.

And it gets better.

Ryan Chittum throws in this little tidbit:

A look through Factiva shows only one media hit for HBGary Federal in the last two years before the flurry of the past week. And it’s a very interesting one. This from SC Magazine, which covers IT security (emphasis mine):

HBGary Federal, provider of classified security services to the U.S. Department of Defense and the intelligence community, has partnered with Palantir Technologies, maker of analytics platforms. HBGary’s team of researchers will leverage Palantir’s analysis tool suite to provide enhanced threat intelligence.

Interested in this story yet?

I'll say.

• Details of the hack on The TechHerald

(H/t trainreq)

Score One For Sanity

The good news: Massachusetts recognizes the rule of law in foreclosures.

The bad news: That this, truly, is news :

(Bloomberg) U.S. Bancorp and Wells Fargo & Co. lost a foreclosure case in Massachusetts’s highest court that will guide lower courts in that state and may influence others in the clash between bank practices and state real-estate law. The ruling drove down bank stocks.

The state Supreme Judicial Court today upheld a judge’s decision saying two foreclosures were invalid because the banks didn’t prove they owned the mortgages, which he said were transferred into two mortgage-backed trusts without the recipients’ being named.

I mean, really - a ruling that banks can't foreclose if they cannot prove they ownsa mortgage should not be news.

Yet it is.

At least the ruling was right. Let's see how the banks push back on this.

(H/t The Big Picture)

Neko Brings It

It's no secret I'm a huge fan of Neko Case.

I can never decide if I like her vocals or her lyrics better - but it's clear that some of her lyrics demand a voice exactly like the one who first sang them.

It looks a lot like engine oil and tastes like being poor and small.

I mean, damn.

Anyway - So I'm looking up the lyrics to a song of hers on her website to make sure I can play it for little e's birthday crowd (Answer: no), and I run across this bit of intro text which just pulls me in further:

WELCOME TO MY WEBSITE

It has taken years and millions of tax dollars to develop, so I hope you will not be disappointed.

Cute, but the real payoff is the brief history of her life - where she introduces us to her parents.

This is done succinctly, and with her trademark ferocity:

I was born on an Air Force base in Virginia to some teenage children. After a short classified assignment for the president, my family returned home to Washington State. From about age four to age fifteen, I was raised by dogs and cats. I occasionally intersected with my parents by accident. “Oh it’s you?! I have to make you a lunch, don’t I?” As I grew into a young adult I was very confused and lacked direction. My parents very much wanted me to become a crack-whore, but I gravely disappointed them by graduating from college. Though they did not notice until years after the event, they still take my failings personally.

Holy crap, that's just awesome. Concise writing just bursting with imagery.

Like stepping into the Tardis. How the f#ck did all that get in here..?

She finds the right tune, Neko might just have another album in there.

I know I'd buy it.

Right Back At You, Congressman

Emptywheel flags a lovely exchange between the Interior Secretary and Rep. Lamborn (R-Colorado). Lamborn loudly denounces finger pointing about the mess at the MMS, then proceeds to point a finger at the current administration and suggests we leave it there.

Sec. Salazar is having none of it:



This hardly makes up for the everything that has gone wrong - but it's always nice to see a Congressman called on their bullsh!t.

Lewis Black vs Glenn Beck

Spoiler: Black kicks Beck's @ss.



Black's been off his form lately - nice to see him come roaring back.

I [heart] WTF

Not in a general sense, mine you.

I [heart] WTF CNN - a website that allows you to compare the inane offerings of America's "Most Trusted Source for News" with sites that cover news.

In a world where a media company was capable of shame - this kind of comparison could spawn changes.

But I'm still young enough to remember that Glenn Beck used to have the second highest rated show on CNN.

(H/t TechCrunch)

Tellin' It Like It Is

You just have to love the NY Post:

(Ht CJR)

Sen. McConnell?

Don't look now, but opposing financial reform just got a little harder:

Goldman executives cheered housing market's decline, newly released e-mails show

As the U.S. housing market began its epic fall nearly three years ago, top executives at Wall Street powerhouse Goldman Sachs cheered the large financial gains the firm stood to make on certain bets it had placed, according to newly released documents.

The documents show that the firm's executives were celebrating earlier investments calculated to benefit if housing prices fell, a Senate investigative committee found. In an e-mail sent in the fall of 2007, for example, Goldman executive Donald Mullen predicted a windfall because credit-rating companies had downgraded mortgage-related investments, which caused losses for investors.

"Sounds like we will make some serious money," Mullen wrote.

Mitch...? You reading this? How are those 41 signatures lookin' there, boy?

Fox? Bernie? Go F&*#! Yourself

Watching this, I laughed so hard I think I pulled something...



(H/t to TPM)

A Look at the Vampire Squid's Inbox

S.E.C. to Goldman Sachs - Elections have consequences.

Simon Johnson to Goldman Sachs (CC: John Paulson) - The Worst is Yet to Come

Simon Johnston to Goldman Sachs - Tell Your Friends We're Coming

Sen. Mitch McConnell to Goldman Sachs - I Got Your Back

The S.E.C. Barks...and at Goldman Sachs!

I'll be damned...U.S. Accuses Goldman Sachs of Fraud in Mortgage Deal

CJR's Ryan Chittum is over the moon on this one:

This is a huge story. The SEC has found that its jaws still snap; Goldman, which has heretofore seemed virtually untouchable, is in the docket; it illustrates short-sellers’—John Paulson specifically here—role in creating the crisis and making billions off it; and the press and bloggers can claim a big victory, regardless of the ultimate outcome of the case. It also points the way to possible further SEC actions over the banks’ similar dealings with Magnetar, which ProPublica detailed so impressively last week.

I'd like to see some pelts on the wall before I get too excited, but the idea that the S.E.C. noticed something might have gone wrong with the Abacus trades is at least encouraging.

I was thinking about Goldman's Abacus deal and the deals that Magnetar enabled and something occurred to me.

Sure, you could argue that Goldman and Magnetar had merely figured out a clever way to use the rules to maximum advantage. The standard Wall Street argument - we are predators, stop telling us to act like social workers. But you also hear a lot about moral hazard - a situation where a person is rewarded for something that causes a disproportionate amount of harm.

The last time there was a lot of play on that term - we were talking about homeowners walking away from their mortgages - or being saved by the taxpayers from their own bad choices (the Santelli argument).

Now, flip that around and look at the traditional model of investment vs. the derivitives market.

The traditional investment model, you have someone asking for money to make a product (a business that makes widgets, a bunch of home mortgages, whatever). The greater the likelihood the product will make money, the less this person will have to pay for their financing.

Well, duh - right?

The flip side of this is the investors mantra: higher returns come with increased risk.

We'd all love to have investments bringing home 10% every year (unless it's with Madoff) but most of us would be content with steady returns a little lower than that.

But think of the margin for the traditional investment model - most investments are going to bring in single digits, and have the occasional big year in the teens (if you're lucky). In exchange, you'll have some bad years and (if you adjust for inflation) you'll see a market that gets you about 3.7% return over 77 years.

Bleah.

Now take the derivative model of the credit default swap.

You'll take out a swap on a bond worth lots of money - and you'll pay a small fraction of it's value annualy. If the bond tanks, you'll get paid the full value of whatever you insured with the swap.

Since you don't have to actually own the bond you insured, you aren't being made whole for a loss you've incurred, you're just getting paid.

On a run of the mill CDO the traditional investor might get 6% - but to a company like Magnetar, betting on the CDO tanking - they could make 200% and quite possibly a lot more. The hedge fund who picked the securities for Goldman's Abacus deal got a 590% return on the year.

Now, here's the moral hazard: You're an investment banker. You have 10 billion to invest.

Do you want to scour the market for good businesses so you can get a solid 6 and the satisfaction of creating something%

Or would you rather polish turds, sell them to the ignorant and make 300%, 400% or even 500% when everything burns to the ground?

That's moral hazard.

I get that short sellers have an important role in the market, but secret short selling doesn't help the market, no do shorts where the ROI is so staggeringly out of whack that traditional investments cannot compete.

This sh!t needs to stop.